My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Hi everyone sorry for my silence over the past few days. I have read all your posts and smiled and felt sad for you all. I am  also impressed at the preparations and the partying that has been going on.

I think I will join you all on that ledge. Or maybe I should stay on terra firma as I would probably fall of the said ledge the way things are going for me right now. (A little bit of 'woe is me' going on here).

Anyway, I won't even bother to tell you all about my week. Suffice it to say that it has not been the best (but by no means the worst) week of my life.

Take care of yurselves everyone and I hope that you all manage to get a good night's sleep (whatever that is) and that Monday is a good one for you all.

Love and angel hugs x x x patricia x x x

Morning girls - your ledge sounds really inviting.......but like Patricia I would probably drop off the edge!!!  So I'll find us a cosy room with a real log fire (with the smell of pine logs) and lots of big sofas to curl up on.............definitely no tv/radio/music centre allowed.  Not being a spoilsport - just enjoy the peace of a quiet room with the chance to chat if you want to - or just sit quietly and contemplate........  I love watching 'pictures' in the fire!!!  And just to make it feel more cosy indoors lots of snow outside the big picture window........with a huge snowman we built earlier!!!!  Steaming mugs of hot chocolate (with all the extras).........or mulled wine...........or my Gran's favourite hot toddy..........Ah well!!  A girl can dream can't she?????

Love and (((((((((((((((((bug higs))))))))))))))  Dot xxxxxxxxxx

Morning girls -

Dot, okay now you have me humming and hawing ...... Ledge with beautiful view or room with comfee sofas and a a roaring fire ...... I think both.   But I would just say one thing - we would never, ever let either of you anywhere too near the edge - all your friends here would encircle you and make you feel safe and loved and stay there with you until you felt strong enough.

Judi xxx

I was just about to log out, get showered, give the dogs their porridge and generally get moving for the day when I suddenly had a thought......

You know what I think our ledge would be like - Have any of you seen those amazing pictures of the penguins at the North/South? pole.  When the cold sets in and they need to get through it, they shuffle and shiggle their way into one massive group against the elements and they all take their turn standing on the outer rim of the circle, protecting the others from the worst that the day can bring.  Then slowly some of the others move outwards and gently push the ones that have been taking the battering into the centre and the warm care of the rest of the group.  And if you watch for long enough each and every one of them takes their turn protecting the rest.   Doesn't that sound familiar!!!!

Judi xxx

Morning ladies

Hope you all had a comfy night on the ledge, didn't need to join you last night as actually managed to sleep!!!

Sorry you have had such a bad week Patricia, I have been thinking of you and Fiona too. In fact I spend a fair amount of time thinking about friends on here. Teri have been thinking of you too and hoping you are coping OK.

I think someone must have heard me last night and painted my black cloud white again, whilst sending me some sleep. I find I am so grateful when I manage more than 5 hours at one time and for any days that are not dogged by the black cloud constantly following me.

Maybe you could all come round to mine, only have a small living room but very squashy large sofas, roaring fire and hot chocolate with rum and cream. We would just have to squash up a bit, lol.

Am off to the opticians this morning to pick up some glasses, looking more like a granny everyday! Then taking Rachel to see midwife.

Hope you all have a cloud free day, thinking of you and sending hugs. Lesley x

Meant to say, thanks for all the friends invites on FB, love looking at all your photos, it makes thing more real somehow than just posting to faceless people. x

Love it Judi!!!!

Dear Judi - your word picture of the penguins is lovely and has brought a tear to my eye....I can hardly see the monitor again - it's so blurry!!!  Feeling warm and protected by lovely friends is something everyone needs........... About the ledge/room quandary...........I suggest we have a wide ledge just outside the patio doors so that if we want a bit of fresh air we only have to step out for a moment!!!!!!  Oh and 'sadanna' rum in hot choc???  Never thought of that one - but it sounds like it's worth a try.  Anything with alcohol in it.........YUMMEE!!!!!!!!!!!

Love and ((((((((hugs))))))) to all  Dot xxxxxxx

Dottee the ledge on the patio sounds good to me as I am such a clutz.. Lesley the hot choc sounds good but I will pass on the rum if that's ok? I am crying now at the thought of the penguins huddling together. Judi yet again you have described our group so perfectly. I want to be the one on the outer edge gathering in my flock. That is not to say I want others to be suffering and in need of comfort. It just means that I am most comfortable being the one offering support and love and comfort to others.

The tears are very close at all time att he moment and I thought I was improving. mmmmm.......

The Christmas cards are falling throught the letterbox and I feel so sad that they are all adressed to Patricia and family and Ray's name is missing. But I would be more upset to see them with his name on. Can't win can we. A n unber of cards have come with a personal message inside, some of them inviting me to join the senders at some time over the holiday period(open invitation). How kind people are.  Today appears to be a difficult one and I have no energy or inclination to get myself doing the things I shouod be doing.  I now just want to hibernate and let the next few weeks pass me by.

My son is organising his wedding and whilst I am so happy for them I am dreading the occasion. Oh I know it is not until March, but he is so excited about it and I have to pretend for his sake.

I have hated 2009 and hope and pray 2010 will be better but don't feel that hopeful. Oh dear I better sort myself out before I fall into the dark pit of gloom.

Sorry to be so miserable.  It is only since I came on here that I hsave rrealised just how much sadness I am carrying with me. Ray would be so upset to know how I am behaving just lately.

Have to go now as I can hardly see the screen.  May be back later. Not sure yet how I will be feeling.

Love and angel hugs to everyone.

Dottee, I hope you and Alan are managing to have some sort of enjoyment over the festive season.

x x x Patricia x x x

Hi all Its been an up and down weekend for me.I went to football Saturday with a group of friends .I enjoyed the game,we all went for a xmas drink,I ended up overdoing it .Then spent all of Sunday feeling sorry for myself.

Ive decided not to drink so much in the future,my emotions are uncontrolable at the best of times,throw alcohol into the mix and you really pay.

Ive done literally no christmas present buying.Id better get the kids pressies at least Nic loved Christmas and woulnt forgive me if i didnt make an effort "for the boys"

I hope everyone is making the best of having "a go at christmas"

Thanks Dave xxx

Dave, why not try the online shops such as firebox.com, pressibox.com and iwantoneofthose.com also u can find many toystores online too. You could save yourself trhe hassle of going out shopping and having to battle through all the shops. Amazon is also a good one. I just google any shops I fancy and see if they are online too.

Take care of yourself and don't give yourself such a hard time. We all cope in different ways. Want to join us on the 'penguin' ledge of despair????

Love and angel hugs x x xPatricia x x x