My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Hi Sue

It's taken me over half an hour of trying before I could get on to the site tonight, kept getting an error message! Just going to catch up with everyone's news now...

Hope that you and everyone else are getting by ok... xx

Hi, Amanda - i think I've requested you as a friend on fb. Or maybe not -i'm not very good at it!!!

Hi Sue - I'm here.  Have been threading my old baubles onto ribbon to make 'bauble sculptures' - yes the same type that I paid way over the odds for and thought were SO clever yesterday!!!  Another evening of successfully avoiding card writing you could say. lol.

Tomorrow evening I am having three friends over for supper and to watch the X factor final.  I have already explained that as it is my house I get to sing along with George Michael, they can fight over the others! 

Last night I phoned my step-daughter in Dubai to congratulate her because she had left a message to say on my answermachine to say she has been promoted.  She was out for her Christmas works night but her mum, Ed's ex, chatted away for an hour and fifteen minutes.  Her father recently died (he lived four houses down from me) and it seems that the her and her brother and sister have all fallen out 'big time' regarding the will, the house, the estate etc.  She was asking if I would have a talk to her brother as she doesn't think he is coping very well ....... life can be bizarre at times can't it??

Boy phoned tonight, on his way to a party - he won't be home until about 10pm Christmas Eve, cos he is doing the sound on the Glasgow Students' Radio Christmas Kareoke Christmas Eve afternoon show.  Sounds a good enough reason to me!!

Hope that everyone is doing okay, I am thinking about everyone a lot at the moment, hig bugs to all.

Judi xxx

Hello Everyone

Sue, have checked and yes we are now friends on facebook! And Judi, it really is strange how things turn out sometimes... Enjoy your night with your friends tomorrow, and good luck with the Xmas cards - I still haven't bought any!

I am struggling to find and positivity at the moment I'm afraid... I have reached out and asked two people who I thought were close friends for some help. I told them that despite how it may appear, I am not coping at all and could really do with some company and a willing ear. But neither of them have come back to me... The really sad thing is that one of them contacted me this morning to say she was always thinking of me and was there for me whenever I needed her. I'm sure they have their reasons but I just don't understand... When Miles was ill people were always on the phone, wanting to visit, calling round with food and flowers... Now I don't even hear from people let alone see them. Thank heavens for the lovely folk on here!

Hayley and I are off to Disneyland Paris for a few days on Thursday, and although I thought it would be a good thing to do, as it gets closer I am dreading it... Got to try and make a go of it for Hayley though - and for me to I suppose!

Hope you all getting on ok - think we are all having a few wobbles at the moment, even those of you much further into this journey than I am, so I will try not to feel too bad about the fact that I am falling apart at the seams...

Manda xx

Hi everyone.  I can't stay on long as I am too tired to type.  Those of you on facebook will see that I went to Chris's warehouse this afternoon to unveil a tribute to him.  It has knocked me for six but it was a wonderful thought.  I hope everyone is okay.  Ailsa xxx

Ailsa hun, saw the photos of the plaque - how lovely.  I always think that things that are really 'personal' and when those who knew them look and think " Oh yes, that's Chris" are so special.  Night, night hun - you will be shattered.

Manda darling - I don't know what to say - I don't understand your friends who, when you have been brave enough to reach out, do not immediately rush round to hug you and just listen.  You know that it each and everyone of us here is reaching to envelope you in comforting, understand hugs.  Loads and loads of love to you.  I do understand that you may be aprehensive about your trip with Hayley, but you will be together and that will make it right. 

I remember we took the children to EuroDisney when Boy was just five or six - and we had a ball.  Ed threw himself into it, and sang his way round the Pirates ride etc (most unlike him!) but I remember going for breakfast and him becoming most indignant that he wasn't given butter to go with his croissant - for some reason this upset him hugely and he returned to the counter to be met with a Gallic shrug and told "ah monsieur  ....'ere in France we do not 'ave le butter with our croissant" - well this just infuriated him further and he demanded to see 'Le Directeur' ........ Eventually someone came and Ed said "Come on Judes, you know I don't speak French, tell him will you".  The children and I just burst out laughing and we all high tailed it out of the restaurant.  Happy Days!

Just off to take the dogs around the block and then to bed to read my book.  Love to all.  Judi xxx

Hi everyone.  I'm struggling to stay asleep tonight so I thought I would catch up on here.  Manda I too have often felt abandoned by a lot of the people I know since Chris died.  I think so many of them are uncomfortable with the whole thing and hope that someone else is picking up the phone.  Everyone seems to have such busy lives especially at this time of year.  It is not fair of the friends who said they would be there but then are not.  If it is any consolation at all I have only one or two friends I can turn to.  One is someone I have known for a long time but even she struggles to get to see me.  She will always speak to me on the phone though if I need her.  The other is someone I work with who lost her husband suddenly 2 years ago.  We were not at all close until Chris died but she knew how I was feeling and had felt isolated when her husband died.  I think she gets as much out of our friendship as I do.  Even now I feel that only my friends on here have any time for what I might be feeling Chris.  As Judi has already said, we are all here for you and we know what a dark place you are in.  Make good use of us.  Lots of ((((((((hugs)))))))) for you and Hayley.  I think you will have a lovely time in Paris.  I can't wait to here all about it.  You will be very proud of yourself when you have done it and you will have some happy memories of something you enjoyed together.  Ailsa xx

How have the concerts gone today?  (or yesterday!).  You have done really well to get your shopping finished Sue.  I tried very hard to finish mine last night with a trip to Meadowhall but still have a bit to do next week.  I should be able to finish by the middle of next week I hope.  I haven't had any cards addressed to 'Mr & Mrs' yet thankfully but have found it a bit sad seeing so many cards addressed only to me - too many envelopes, too many reminders.

Lynne I have checked about doing the same as you do with my Post Office but it turns out if I miss the delivery my parcel will go all the way back to Barnsley.  I work in Wakefield so can't get to Barnsley during the week while the PO is open.  It is only open until 12 on Saturday morning.  I am usually up early so could get there but there is usually a big queue on a Saturday and there is nowhere to park nearby.  All do-able but not sounding like the best solution to the problem just yet - clearly requires a bit more thought.

Lesley I hope you are doing okay - I still struggle with Friday nights for the same reason as you struggle with Thursdays.  I think you will find it gets a little easier with more time.  I have found ways to avoid it normally, usually by going to bed.

I love reading your stories Judi - you tell them so graffickly they put a smile on my face.  I haven't written my cards yet - next weeks job.  Your huge baubles sound very nice.

Hi to Patricia, Esme, Gayle, Dave, Dot, Quill, Helen.  I hope you are all okay.  Hi also to Fiona - I hope you and your family are doing okay this weekend.  You seem to be having a tough week ((((((hugs)))))).

I had better give sleep another go.  Writting things down is supposed to help so I hope me coming on here helps me drop off now.  Goodnight all.  Ailsa xx

Good morning everyone

I struggle to remember whose news is whose! I read the post and cry at some and giggle at others but when I come to reply I don't want to offend anyone by putting names to the wrong events, so please forgive me if I write a general post. Also reply to many people through private mail so again forgive me for repeating myself!

I think I feel a little more positive this morning..... ssshhhh, don't wake the black cloud! I think I could start a new career, listening to some of you on here. I will offer my services as personal Christmas shopper. Write me your list, give me your money, I will do the rest, buying , wrapping and sending of cards. All mine is done!! You see I LOVE shopping and find it very theraputic. I know you are all thinking I must be mad. Poor Colin and his wallet, I am the sort of person who can be in Manchester for 9am and is still shopping at gone 5pm!

I have had the same experience as Manda with friends, not one neighbour has so much as looked in my direction never mind knocked at the door, oh, I tell a lie my next door neighbour knocked on two weeks ago. I dragged her in, offered her a brew, then she said I just wanted to check if you have any damp in your back bedroom, I am having some work done and...... Hmmm.

I have one good friend but don't like to put on her as she has a very young baby and does not live round the corner. Another I thought was a good friend is making me feel like it is a duty to see me. Keeps making arrangements and then cancelling, with the words, well I might be able to see you next..... Feel like saying, don't bother.

I love listening and speaking to everyone on here, it's a shame we don't live in a reasonable distance from each other it would be good to all go out for a meal or have a coffee/wine evening, I think that is what I need most to be able to actually meet people in the same position as me, who really do know how it feels.

I think about everyone on here throughout my day, those who are coming up to the dreaded one year mark, those whose partners are terminal and knowing they will have to go through what we are experiencing at some point soon, those whose experience of cancer is similar to mine, diagnosis to death 3 weeks and those whose hubbys were the same age as mine. Cancer is so cruel.

Well I am off to Fleetwood to the shopping outlet with my lovely daughter today, don't think we will be walking around much as she has only 3 weeks to baby day now! At least it gets me out for the day.

I have not been to Meadowhall for years Ailsa, Colin and I used to go when the kids were little, we used to go to this cafe in there that had a big Cadillac? outside and the waiters and waitresses used to get on the tables and dance and sing, it was like an old American Diner. I don't suppose it is there now but the kids loved it back then.

Anyway the balck cloud has still not woken, so I will quietly sneak off for a shower! Hope you all have a good day, remember my offer stands, Iwill charge you all friends rates, lol!!!! xxx

Morning all Ailsa , i hope you managed to get some sleep you we're really early this morning , the plaque looked lovely , you do look so proud in the photos ,. So sorry you cant get anything sorted out with the post office , its no good ordering if its hard to collect them is it ? Maybe somebody will come up with another idea . If you post something on your status about the sky lantern ascent i will copy and paste , i think the more that know about this the better .xx Lesley i'm glad your feeling a little more positive today , it is like a roller coaster isn't it , and all the ladies on here will say the same , good luck with the shopping , dont wear poor Rachel out lol .xx Amanda , your feeling of being abandandis a feeling that we all have experienced , i was going through it a couple of weeks ago and probably wil go through it again . Yes the phone calls stop , i think people struggle with watching someone suffer so its easier to bury their heads in the sand , hopefully your true friends will be there for you and pretty soon , i do wish we had got our magic shoes then we click our heels and can ge to each other (from a post way back lol) but we have to make do with virtual hugs from each other (((((hugs ))))))..xx Sue and Helen i hope your concerts went well xx Sorry i wasn't on here last night Sue absent without leave again!! lol . Gordons friend had text me and said that they we're going out that night and did i want to go , its a croud we'd been out with before marrieds and singles but as it was where Gordon and i used to go i text him back and said thenk  you for asking but i didn't think i could do it . Well he phoned me up after i'd finished work and said they all wanted to see me , and please to come out , then the famous words "Gordon would want you too " so that was it i ended up going out , i wasn't late in and the night was ok , a bit emotional as they all loved him so much and i could feel it .I have my xmas "do " tonight with work collegues so its hair do today . Not sure if i'm doing lunch or not tommorow yet lol , might see how the night goes . xx Fiona i hope your managing ok this weekend and i will be thinking about you tommorow xxx.Judi your stories are fantastic , keep them coming lol.xx

Hi Patricia , Gayle , Dottee , Dave  , Esme Have the best weekend you can . Take care

Lynnexxxxxxxxxx