My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Hi All,

Love all the cute pics - always nice to have something to smile about.

Thank you so much Ailsa, Lesley, Helen, Sue, Judi, Lynne and Esme - I really appreciate your support and comments.

Still feeling very torn and confused, but hes gone to Cyprus to see family now, then going to his house in France, so its very quiet again here. Hes offered to return in January to do some much needed decorating, and I have to say, I think I'd like him to come back - but I need to get my head round a few things first.

Love the idea of the sky candles. I watched one on bonfire night - everyone just stood there watching it in the dark of the night - it was beautiful to watch it drift into the distance. Think its a really lovely idea to send them up together on Christmas day in memory of our loved ones.

Am having great difficulty trying to get myself to go to Andrews grave at the moment. I haven't been there for four weeks. I just hate the thought of him being there.

As you can see, I still cant sleep! But I am back at work, and am actually quite glad I have gone back. My friend made me realise that sitting around moping, at home wasnt doing me any good.

I hate the thought of christmas. and wont discuss plans with anyone. I know I have to make an effort for daughter, and I will. But other than that, I just want it to be over and done with.

Its been lovely to catch up with all your news, though I still get muddled and confused, so have to go back over the messages quite often as I forget whose done or doing what! Doesnt take much to confuse me these days!. Youre a lovely cheerful lot on here, and I look forward to reading your messages.

Love to you all, Yvonne xxx

Yvonne, so sorry to hear you are having trouble sleeping. As you can see, I do too.  Surely no-one will judge you for not being a frequent visitor to the graveside. He is there in your heart and mind and that is what counts. It is not the same for everyone. Some people find it a comfort and some people find it distressing.  Be kind to yourself and just do what you feel is right.

I hope you manage to get a little bit of sleep at least.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Hi everyone,

Well still never got curtains done lol.  I ended up putting it off then a friend phoned so just ran out of time - well thats my excuse.  Must do it today!!!!  Thanks for the offer Patricia - now that would have been good.

Sorry to hear you aren't sleeping Yvonne, I too had one of those nights last night.  I was feeling very lonely and had a stressful day at work (nothing new there) and just wanted a cuddle from Wully.  I ended up reading his last letter to me again which was not a good idea at that time of night.  So I am shattered today.  I will try and get an early night tonight.

Hugs to everyone.

Gayle xx

Gayle, so sorry to hear you had a bad night. It seems to be a side effect of bereavement that lots of people suffere from.  Oh how I wish I had some magic solution and could make everything better.

I hope that you manage to get through the day.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Seems a few of us had a bad night last night. I have slept really well for the last week but last night I had one of those nights when I wake up and my heart is pounding and my senses are on full alert, as though I have heard something or something is wrong, quickly dropped off to sleep to have it happen all over again minutes later, finally got up at 5:30am.

Have been to Christmas markets this afternoon in Manchesr with my daughter and son-in-law. So am shattered now and am lazing in bed with laptop and electric blanket on! No problem, I can do what I like it is not like I have to please anyone else! Enjoyed the markets but at times felt very sad, Colin and I went every year. This time last year we went to see a Christmas show and then ate at the market it was lovely.

Hope tonight we all sleep well, sending calming thoughts!!!   xxx

Lesley, here is a big hug for you.(((((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))))))) I can't send a pretty picture but hope this will do x x x x I am trying so hard not to think about this time last year but of course I am losing the battle. It sounds an excellent idea getting into bed. I hope tonight is a more restful one for you.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Hi everyone.  Just been catching up on all your posts.  I went to the cinema with friends last night to see New Moon & didn't get back until too late to come on here.

Tonight I think I have all but finished the sitting room at last!!!  Calls for wine tomorrow night if I am not mistaken!  I still need to paint 2 doors and change 2 light switches but the room is presentable now.  The doors and switches can wait until next week - I will slot them in somewhere.  I will not be attempting another such big task for some months.

By coincidence I had my sewing machine out at the weekend Gayle - shortening curtains for the sittingroom - I could have done yours at the same time!  I was side swiped by another Christmas song on the way home tonight.  This time it was Slade.  Why oh why did Chris have to be a singer?  Unfortunately it is beginning to look like he must have performed just about every Christmas song going in the years he was singing.  I was word perfect all through the one tonight - only trouble was I could barely see the road through the tears.  I too have notice some people beginning to change the subject or go quiet when I mention Chris.  Luckily I have a few good friends who never try to change the suject, and, of course, all you lovely people on here.

Sorry about the effect of the medication at work Patricia.  I was timing a customer service advisor on Tuesday.  She was doing written queries and got a letter from a terminally ill cancer patient who needed to close her account.  The advisor.  The girl had no idea of my circumstances and was struggling to right a special letter to her.  She kept asking my advise.  I couldn't tell her that it was bothering me but I couldn't wait to get away for a good sob after helping her to write the letter.

Judi thanks for your kind words regarding thoughtless people.  Lesley if you haven't already ahd a look back we are all going to try to let our sky candles off at 7pm on Christmas day.  Helen - I have started to hoola hoop with my Wii fit.  Good lucj with the weighted hoola hoop.

Lynne I hope you are okay after your wobble at the cemmy yesterday.  Have you heard from Gordon's cousin yet?

Yvonne you really shouldn't worry about not going to the grave.  There will be many other places that hold a special meaning for you where you can think of Andrew without going to the cemetery.

Well I should go and tidy away the last few painting things before bed.  Goodnight to everyone I haven't mentioned - Dot, Quill, Sue, Fiona, Rosemary, Dave, Lesley, Manda - I hope you all get a better nights sleep tonight.  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xx

Hi everyone , just a quick one as i've been late night shopping in our new big tesco , i was in there for quite a while and i've also had tea at my daughters Yummy . I think i'm over my wobble of yesterday , how unpredictable this all is . I had a little sob this morning but nothing like yesterday . No Ailsa i haven't heard from the cousin , but i phoned Gordons sister and daughter 1 today and i've had a good chat with both of them , i feel better now , i supose i was feeling a little bit abandand by them , but i just think its just everybody has a life and a busy life so sometimes we just get on with it . I've mentioned the Sky candles to them both and they we're both so impressed with the idea , of course i didn't take the credit for it , i said it was down to a great bunch of women (and man) and Sue's idea to do it all at the same time . I can see the whole country being lit up at 7pm christmas day . Videos at the ready please xxx

Hope everyone is doing on , has anyone heard from Dottee , it seems awhile since she posted , i do hope everything is ok for her xx

Take care

Lynne xxx

Evening everyone - just dropping by to say I'm still around and everything is OK.  Alan still in a lot of pain in his back - but i feel that's par for the course these days!!!!!  I'm busy with work etc just now - roll on 21st of the month ...my last day till the new year!!!!!  Love and (((((((hugs))))))))  Dot xxxxxxxxxxxxx

For everybody xxxxxxxxxxx