My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Every good wish, kev and Janey - Jane   - grab all the happiness you can.

(we were right, girls!!)

Sue x

Hello everyone.  Sorry about the carpet Esme - poor you.  I will heed your advice though.  I am not planning on laying any carpet but I am decorating my sitting room just now and am planning on getting someone in to professionally clean the carpet when I finish.  There is potential for a few minor DIY projects as part of the sitting room makeover so I will tread very carefully after your experience.

I am having an electrical problem just now so I think I might need to get an electrician in.  My standard lamp in the sitting room isn't working.  I have changed the fuse put still no sign of life.  I was going to change some of the bulbs in it but I have noticed that the little red light on the slider switch is not lit which suggests there is no power in the lamp anyway.  I will have to see if I have another light that I can test the bulbs in.  Then this evening the fan light in the conservatory has gone off.  I don't think that can be the bulbs either as the fan won't come on.  The switches in the fuse box are all up so it isn't that.  Where is Chris when I need him?

I have a bit of a challenge this weekend in line with the 'I'm fine' theme (when I'm not at all).  I am going out for a meal and staying over at a friends house so that I can have a drink.  I have avoided this kind of thing since Chris died.  I am concerned about pretending to be fine all evening.  I don't want to be a party pooper or embarrass myself by getting upset.  Remains to be seen how well I do - watch this space.

Judi, Patricia, I would like to say that doing lots of things rather than nothing helps but I don't think it does so don't feel bad about your 'apathy'.  All I do is wear myself out.  I don't feel any better for doing chores and jobs.  I think I need to rest but can't.  I am fairly sure I avoid sitting down because I will have to think.  I think it will be a while yet before any of us find a good level of activity.

It will be lovely for you to see your brother and his family at Christmas Helen.  I bet you can't wait.  I am sure Kim's baby will help you through Christmas Fiona.  Like Gayle I am expecting to have to do most of the usual things at Christmas even though my children are so much older than yours Gayle.  I feel like it is one of those 'damned if we do and damned if we don't' situations.  Hopefully we can each find some fun in the festive season and try to remember some of the good ones we have had.

I have met with the stone mason today to discuss the headstone and kerb for Chris's grave.  Bit of a question about what name to put on it.  I know that sounds daft but like so many Chris's, Chris did not like Christopher.  He was always known as Chris but his full name was Christopher Kenneth.  Just Chris does not seem like enough but Christopher Kenneth is far too 'stuffed shirt'.  Becky has suggested Christopher Kenneth "Chris".  I will ask the stone mason what he thinks to that but it might work.  It looks like the work will be done over the weekend I am on my sister's hen do - 14th & 15th November.  Ryan is a family friend so he is doing the work in his own time to save some of the cost which is lovely of him.

Well that is enough rambling from me.  I hope everyone is okay tonight.  Take care.  Ailsa xx

I missed a few posts while I was rambling just then.  Good luck to you both Kev & JanieJane.  It is lovely to hear from you.

While I was doing my last post we past the 2000 mark!

I haven't heard of terminal dilirium before Gayle but I do know about terminal agitation.  I will have a look in a minute and see if it is the same thing as I understand it.  Chris was able to drink right up to the end.  He drank some coffee about half an hour before he died.  It is strange how all these things have a different impact on different patients.  Good luck with your packing and the move.  Ailsa xx

Hi all

Esme, well done for trying, even more well done for realising laughter was the better option when it didn't work.  It sounds as if many of you are going to be surrounded by little ones or babies for Christmas - I am sure that having them around and their dependancy will make for some lovely times. 

Well I bit the bullet and made a decision about New Year (not Christmas, that is another story)  my lovely kennel owners (they had the dogs when Ed was in hospital at the end and were amazingly kind to me) are happy to take them over NYear so I think I will go to see mum and dad for two days.  They are delighted, and it means that I won't worry about them driving the 800 round mile trip to see how I am, which they undoubtedly would have done.  Of course no sooner had I decided and checked that it was feasible I went to book the flight and the price had doubled in the previous four hours!!!!

Christmas I am still not sure what to do.  Lsst year it seemed so soon after his death that I know I got through it on autopilot.  I had lunch at Ed's daughter's house with his family round, but only stayed a couple of hours.  

Ed and I always had his two girls (and as they grew up their families) and my son there for the morning until about 2pm for drinks and nibbles - then we waved them goodbye as they went off the respective mum/dad and then we used to LOVE having a wonderful day just the two of us, eating, drinking, sleeping, watching TV, eating, drinking.  I know it is probably not everyones cup of tea but it was ours.  We used to get invites to Christmas lunches because people thought we were upset at the children going.  But we used to love it - we had them in the morning when they were happy and excited etc, then when they had eaten too much chocolate when younger or drunk too much Bucks Fizz when older off they went leaving us to have a heavenly day and evening! lol.

My son is coming home Christmas Eve and we have been invited to three different houses, but we are thinking that we may stay at home and watch DVDs, the seven episodes of Eastenders that are bound to be on and just eat loads of rubbish.  I will make him go out with his friends in the evening, as that is a bit of a tradition and I could then wander up the road to Ed's closest friend and his wife who live a couple of streets away to raise a glass to my darling with them.  We will see.

See, now just typing that has made the tears run, but I am smiling through them because special, special memories.  We all have them don't we. 

Have just checked the temperatures and I think Lynne is enjoying temperatures in the mid 20s with the sun shining on her in Spain. 

Helen, I seriously thought about considering looking at maybe getting an exercise bike, but all that thinking tired me out.  So I sat down for a while.  xxxxx

Love to all

Judi xxx

Evening All,

Well thats my day off again just back in from lunchtime after seeing to my dad and Kim she is still full of the cold but insists in going into school tomorrow as open day and last day before holidays so she will get two weeks break then back for three  weeks then thats her on maternity leave. Best wishes to Kev and Janey-Jane. I try and keep busy as like you Ailsa i hate sitting on my own as well gives me    to much time to time think about this time last year. Hope everyone else is ok tonight, Gayle hope you get on with your packing this weekend. Helen it will be nice to see your brother after 2 years. It's been a nice day here but cold tonight   think we will have frost.  Think i will get off to bed now as working in the morning hope you all have a good sleep, night night  Fiona xxxxxxxxxx

Morning everyone,

Your post moved me to tears Judi.  I almost felt I was peering into your living room on Christmas Day looking at the happy scene, smelling the smells, seeing the lights.  I know what you mean about being the two of you.  Wully and I were like that.  We really enjoyed each others company so our idea of heaven at weekends was just getting a takeaway, DVD, wine and just chilling out on our own.  Thats what I miss a lot - Wully said we were a jigsaw and I believe that too.  That part is missing now and I feel lost and try to fill it with keeping busy but it doesn't often work.  New Year we always stayed in and watched the tv and then stood in the back garden and watched other peoples fireworks.  We both had a good cry the past 2 new years as we were both worried they would be our last.  I think this year I will try and just go to bed.

At the moment I am trying not to let my thoughts consume me as I know the move will be hard enough.  I am dreading the moving day as I feel him all around me here and worry that I won't when I move if you know what I mean.  Yesterday Ewan (my 3yr old) found another white feather in the garden for me.  He is constantly finding them and bringing them to me and it is either a sign or the fact that my cats are very naughty with the local birds lol!!

Hope everyones day is okay.  I am just waiting on my mum and dad coming to take the monsters away and then I need to take the dog to the vet.  She has epilepsy and I have to take her every 4 weeks.  She hasn't had a fit for months but needs to be monitored.

Take care everyone.

Gayle x

Just a quick one.  Gayle my darling there is absolutely no doubt at all in my mind that Wully is moving with you and I am sure those feathers are telling you that.  I am still in awe that you are organising all this while looking after your two little ones and your dog.  When you move in I think you need to make sure that you spend some time looking after yourself.  Listen to 'Aunty Judes'.  You and Wully sound so much like us - the most amazing feeling of completeness together.  Just have to concentrate on the fact that I truthfully believe we had something that most people don't experience.  xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Have my boss downstairs at the moment holding a 'Strategy Meeting' with the business development manager - I have NO IDEA how it ended up happening at my kitchen table!!

Hugs to all. Judi xx

Thanks Judi.  Yes I am glad I had that very special closeness and relationship with someone although I hope I never have it again if that makes sense?  There was nothing secret or unsaid between us and I know I had never experienced that before in any relationships and hope that I don't again.  I don't think we would have had that if it wasn't for what was going on as it is a different bond (you will know what I mean).

The boys do keep me going although are a handful so at tiimes I am in despair and wonder how I will cope raising two willful boys but I will find the strength somewhere.  Some days they are just wild and that is when you really feel it being on your own as you don't have someone else to share the stress.  I owe it to Wully to have them turn into two lovely men with good lives.

Hope your strategy meeting goes well!!

Gayle xx

Gayle, Absolutely I know what you mean about not having it again.  It was ours and it was a one off. And again yes, as bizarre as it sounds, it was different and special and more honest because of the situation we were in.  So I 'get' exactly what you are saying. 

I have a large upstairs landing where my computer and desk are and can peek down through the bannister to see and hear the meeting - think I will stay safely up here and maybe sneak out with the dogs for a while!!

Now be honest - while packing how many silly things of Wully's or that made you think of him, has your head said that you should not take with you - and then your heart has snuck them in a box?  I know when a super friend came round to 'help' me go through some things, I kept sneaking things back in drawers when she was out of the room ...... why sneak I don't know, she wasn't trying to make me throw anything away.   Handwriting - that is one that gets me, I can't through anything away with Ed's handwriting on.

Off to walk dogs for a while - hugs.

Judi x

Oh I am obviously in the mood for posting today - you will all be shouting "shut up Judi .... enough already".  But I am at home while a very long, very boring work meeting is taking place in my kitchen and I am not involved so am at the computer. 

Ailsa - you will know what to put on Chris's stone.  I would not dream of advising you, the only thing I would say is that when I was thinking about Ed's (his name was really William Edward - only to be used in mock crossness) I decided that the stone was for him, for me, for the children/family and for those that love him.  So I settled on Edward with no mention of William anywhere.  But having said that I didn't go as far as Ed becaue two letters seemed too few - so that is no help at all really!!

Pouring with rain here in Aberdeen - can't take dogs out again yet so will have to listen to them talking business downstairs!  I STILL don't know how this ended up happening at my house!!

Love to all

Judi xx