My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Hi All,

Well at last i have got logged on, i don't know what was wrong it just would not let me sign in. Thank god i got to speak to some of you on facebook. I am now 10mths down the line and it's not any easier i spoke to a widow the other day at work and she said the 2nd year was worse for her o my god how can it be any worse as the first year. Gayle  glad to hear you have got sorted out with a house so where are you going to be living now? It has been very wet here today and cold. Hope you are all ok tonight I sent for the Sheila Hancock book (Just Me) so it came today so think i will get of to bed and start reading. Speak soon.

Take Care

Fiona xxxxxxxxxxxxx 

Hi all

Have not been on lately but have been keeping up with you all.  In three weeks it will be a year since Ed died, so I can completely relate to what you are saying Esme about 'this time last year' - I am finding each day very difficult at the moment, as I have very specific memories about each and every one from here on in.  I have also had someone tell me that the second year is worse.  Like you I initially thought, please don't tell me that is the case.  But I have to admit that I am beginning to think it is probably true.  A bit of me thinks that it may well be like that because although the first year has all these awful 'firsts' in them, the second one really means that it is forever.  The same lady did however say that she found the third year a turning point.  She felt able to 'plan' things and look forward to things again.  So fingers crossed that is the case. 

I hope I haven't misled anyone, the Sheila Hancock book I read was called 'Just the Two of Us'.  It was almost a 'double book' in that she tells both her and John Thaw's life story and each chapter is interspersed with small passages about from the time he was diagnosed until well after he died.  I am sure her other book, Just Me will be very good as well, but I haven't read it.

Christmas.  At about 3am the other morning I was one click away from booking a skiing break in Canada leaving on 19 December for me and my 20 year old son (he has always wanted to go snow boarding), but stopped myself.  I am sure my far flung family would all have understood, but have a feeling the bank manager would not have.   I told him and he laughed and said whatever I wanted to do was fine with him.  He is amazing.  He is at university and is the only person that genuinely 'gets it'.  He understands totally that I can not make myself feel differently, and that tears are just what happens.  He doesn't try to always cheer me up, but is kind and caring (on the phone when he is at uni, and in person when at home) and never makes me feel guilty and completely understands that my sadness in no way reflects on him or my love for him.  If I am honest he is the only one that isn't always trying to think of ways to cheer me up or distract me!  And in being like that doesn't make me feel guilty.

I will manage cards this year I think, didn't last year, but will not be putting up a tree. I am happy to decorate the house, but the tree was me and Ed, Sunday before christmas, much swearing re bulbs not working, many glasses of wine, much squinting of eyes to see any gaps left between fairy lights ending up that evening sitting on the settee together with the room lights off just looking at it. So I think no tree again.  Maybe fairy lights up the bannister.

Night all.

Judi xxx

Esme, if you can't face buying cards and presents you could always tell everyone you are making a donation to cancer research or macmillan or hospice or something.  That might be worth thinking about x x x  Love and angel hugs x x x xPatricia. 

Sorry you are feeling so miserable at the moment x x x

Glad you managed to get on at last Fiona. I too have been led to understand that yuear two is indeed worse than year one.  I know that will be so for me because it is then that true realisation will hit.  The reson for this being that Ray workse daway for 13 months and I never saw him in all that time (we did speak most days though and emailed every day).

Judi, you have a very caring and supportive son there. A very difficult date coming up for you both.  My sons and my daughter are very protective of me but realise that I need time to be me (but I have lost 'me' somewhere along the way). If it weren't for the family and the posibility that I may have to work over Christmas, I would possibly take myself off to some retreat somewhere for the festive season.  Last Christmas eve we had just got the news that nothing was working and we realised we were nearing the end of the journey.  This Christmas I just can't even bear the thought of.

Take care.  Love and angel hugs x x Patricia x x

Hi Patricia

You are absolutely right about my son, he has grown up so much and so well in the last couple of years (although he is still 'my baby')  I am certain that he is a much nicer person than I ever was at that age!  As for 'losing you' ... oh yes I know that one.  I was always the outgoing, jokey, ready with the cheeky quip, loud one of the couple.  Not sure where she has gone, but she ain't here anymore.  There are occasions that I can 'put it on' for people, because it is easier than telling them how I feel, but it doesn't feel real. 

I think Patricia you will need to try and 'cherish' yourself over the next few months, after what you went through last Christmas, and just do whatever it is you feel at the time.  I still haven't decided quite what to do yet.  I have had a few invites for the day but am fairly sure that I would rather not go down the 'traditional' route.

Really, really am going to take dogs out for the last round the block of the night and then go to bed.

Judi xx

Aww Judi, somehow you always seem to know just what to say .  The sofa and duvet might come in useful tomorrow I fear.  x x  Enjoy your walk.  x x patricia x x

Good evening everyone.  I couldn't resist looking in on here before I went to work this morning and then I really just wanted to stay put and not bother with work at all.

I work with someone whose husband died suddenly almost 2 years ago now.  She says that on the whole she thinks her first year was worse but the second one has been almost as bad.  Her husband died suddenly while they were abroad on holiday though and I think the circumstances had a lot to do with how she felt.  My husband's death half way through her second year without her husband didn't help her though - it really set her back.  Although she is dreading the 2nd anniversary she thinks she may start to turn a corner after this anniversary passes.  We will see.

Christmas seems to be zooming up even faster than other years.  I am staying put and sticking it out.  It is not practical for me to take my children away with me because some of us will have to work.  I'm not going away if they can't all come so I am going to stay here and weather the storm.  My eldest daughter and grandson will be here at my house and Becky already wants to cook Christmas dinner.  I am sure there will be buckets of tears but I feel safe here.  It is Chris's birthday on 12th night - I am dreading that even more.

I am sure you will enjoy Cornwall Esme because you will have Samantha, Daniel and the dogs with you.  You've got a tough time coming up as you near the 1st anniversary Judi.  We are all here for you if you need us.  Your son sounds wonderful.  My son is really great but your son sounds especially understanding and aware.

Like you Patricia my 'me' has disappeared.  Chris was the loud one of us two but although I am quieter I am still very confident.  That confidence has taken a real battering.  I have never been afraid to hear my voice but I am happy to take a back seat for now at least.  Don't know what I will be like when I go to my sisters hen celebrations and then her wedding next month.  I need to find a bit of the old me at least or it will be such a waste as we are going out in London and Paris and the wedding is in London.  Still got a month to go so I need to work on my confidence.

Hope everyone else is okay tonight.  I finished my spray painting tonight and also finished planting some bulbs for the spring.  I am going to try harder to get an early night as I have been tired at work again.  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xx

Ailsa, keep working at it. You will get there I am sure.  I have never been a particularly confident person so guess what.....  confidence deserted me altogether.  I am slowly starting to regain a little confidence though, but do question everything and overanalyse what I do. Take care. Love and angel hugs x x Patricia x x

Hi Everyone,

Had a busy day today organising everything for the move which is only 3 weeks on Friday! (Fiona, we are going to Dalry in Ayrshire).  Phoned all the people I think I need to like BT, etc so hopefully all set.

I too am dreading Christmas.  We normally made a big family thing of doing the tree and going and picking it although last year Wully was in hospital until Christmas Eve so I did everything myself so maybe won't be quite as strange.  Unfortunately I will have to do the whole all singing and dancing christmas because my two boys just wouldn't understand if we didn't.  Last year we went to see Santa and it was quite sad as Santa asked me what I wanted for my christmas and I said I wanted my husband home from hospital.  He was great and told me he would try and fix it :-) and he did!  Maybe he is real afterall lol!  It will be hard though so I might get my sister to do the santa visits this year.

Helen - what a lovely idea about the fundraising. 

Judi - we will all be thinking of you in the coming weeks. 

I too have lost 'me' but I think that happened a few years ago.  I used to be quite fun loving and confident and a lot of it has gone.  I am good at putting on a front too but hopefully it will come back one day.

Take care everyone.

Gayle xx

Gayle, sending you lots of ((((((((((((((((angel hugs)))))))))))))))) . It is going to be very different for us all this year but hopefully having young children to deal with will help you in some way.  Good luck packing for the move. Not long now. 

Putting on a 'front' is another thing we al have in common.  How many times have we said 'I'm fine' when someone asks how we are?  when inside we are screaming 'but really i am in pieces'. 

Take care Gayle and don't wear yourself out x x Love and angel hugs x x Patricia x x