My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

So it's not just me - I did actually feel a little more human once I had had my rant. 

I am back from supper (very nice) and I have had a chat with my second brain cell and asked if it would care to return as the only one left is working overtime and that must be why it went into meltdown earlier today. 

I also had the idea that a lovely, sexy, slightly cynical voice was up there saying

"Excuse me Judes, wonderful did you say .... what .... all the time -

even when I didn't get round to getting you a birthday card until the evening of your birthday,

even when I never, ever used to answer the phone if I was at home, because I always said it was never for me so what was the point.,

even that time when after a very boozy works night out I got out of bed, still asleep, opened the wardrobe door and peed cos I thought it was the loo"

And the answer darling is yes - it was wonderful, all of it.  Am a lot calmer this evening, and send you all special hugs.  Lynne - no matter what you did it would make sense to me I am sure.  

Speak soon.

Judi xxxx 

Hi, Judi

Glad mine wasn't the only man who peed in the wardrobe after a night out........................

Hi everyone,

Ailsa I know exactly how you are feeling and I too feel the same.  I could quite happily stay in my bed with the covers over my head all day.  When Wully first died I found it really hard to get out my bed in the morning.  I think it was the getting up and facing reality then it got a bit easier and more "normal" but I feel I have slipped a bit and noticed that I am not wanting to get up the same and face the world.  I have been quite tearful this week and I am not sure why it has all come on again but I suppose it is just a reminder for us all that it is still early days.

Haven't done any packing today as by the time I went to my parents and got back it was 4pm so I have just mucked about the house since then and watched TV.  Still not had official confirmation of acceptance of my offer on the new house so more than a bit stressed to be honest.  They have verbally confirmed so I am sure it is just a formality (so my solicitor says!!!).  It is a repossession I am buying and supposedly it has to go through various official channels at the bank that are selling it.  Just can't get motivated to be honest to do anything.  I have a box of pringles and a jar of dip and I think I will attack it just shortly.

Sorry to hear about Paul's ashes Helen.  Another setback.  I was speaking to a lovely client of mine and he gave me a great idea.  I have decided to scatter Wully's ashes in lots of different special places.  I am going to even ask his nephew to take some to the football stadium for the team Wully supported and pour them under his seat.  I will also find somewhere special that I can visit when I want and leave some in the garden here as Wully loved this house but put some at the new house.  My clients grandad died and his request was that my client took "him" on his travels with him.  So at one point he even tied them onto his surf board and went surfing with his grandad!! 

Hope you are all okay and sending you all hugs.  Patricia - hope your day was okay and I was thinking of you. 

Gayle x

Judi - Chris did exactly the same thing into a cupboard of nappies and baby blankets when the kids were babies! lol.  I'm very glad to hear that you have a second brain cell to have a chat with - mine second one up & left some time ago!!  The one that is left is struggling on it;s own - tell me about it!

I'm glad you had a nice supper and you are feeling calmer.  I have been asked out to lunch at a neighbours house tomorrow.  They both worked with Chris and only live round the corner.  I'm sure it will be fun and the kind of short break from the house that I can stand.  Ailsa xx

Hello, I just want to thank you all for your kind thoughts and wishes((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))

The day went fairly well as I tried not to let myself dwell on it.  I met my younger sister for coffee and she handed me a miniature yellow rose bush (she couldn't find the white one she wanted). we both had a good cry in the coffee bar (what a sight we must have looked).  My other sister called while I was out and left me a bunch of flowers. They are both such lovely people. 

I met the kids and we went to a Japanese restaurant. (The place where we first met Kayo). Then on to the pub for drinks but we stopped on the way to toast Ray with 'Irish Mist' . It is a whisky liqueur which Ray and I had as our drink of choice at our wedding toast.  The kids struggled with the evening I know, but try not to let me know. Jennifer cried on the way  home and Stuart txt me to say yes they had been very aware of the empty place at the table. Well one more 'first' out of the way.  The next one is my son Richard's birthday in December.

Gayle, it appears that you too have no motivation at the moment. Well it is good to just give yourself some down time if you can.  I love the idea for the ashes.  I am planning to take 'Ray' with me when I go to Japan and he will be with me at the Christening tomorrow as I have a few of his ashes in a tiny tiny drinks flask. 

Judi, I understand the third wheel (person) feeling.  I am not lumped with my dad or my mum-in-law for all family occassions.  Most of the time this doesn't bother me but sometimes I rebel (in my head) against it. I was amused by the 'wardrobe' incident.  Never experienced that myself lol.

Lynne, I am so sorry but I have this image in my head of you sitting on your special bench at the cemetery, wrapped up in a blanket with sandwiches and a flask and a portable garden heater.

Ailsa, I too spend lots of time on my own (through choice). Peoplea re forever telling me it is not good for me to be alone too long.  Then they tell me it is good to cry. They need to make their minds up coz I hate to cry in public. Having said that I still do it at times.   Glad your breathing is a little easier. Let's hope that continues.

 Dot, so sorry that you and Alan are having such a hard time at the moment. ((((((((Hugs)))))))

Debs, it would be lovely to turn back time wouldn't it.  If that were possible I would turn it back to Summer 2007 when I now believe we had the first, albeit unrecognised, signs of Ray's illness.

Sue, I hope that you are feeling a little less stressed.

Where is kaz?  what is going on? and what has happened to Kevin?

I do so hope that tomorrow is a little more upbeat for you all.  Love and angel hugs x x patricia x x  p.s. sorry for the length of this post x x

Morning all , ust catching up on all your posts from last night , after posting on here and settleing down to watch x factor my sister phoned and said i'd got half hour to get ready as a taxi was coming we we're going into town TOWN  I,ve not been to town on a sat night for years , I got ready and went out and it was ok but i dont think i can do all the "town  thing again ," far to old lol, but it did get me out for a couple of hours . Glad the day wasn't to bad Patricia , and thanks for reminding me to take a heater lol, even tho with the weather we've been having i wont be needing it ,, where i'll be sitting (sleeping ) the sun is on it right untill sun set so it really is a lovely place . Judi i'll private message you and tell you what i did yesterday , i feel pretty stupid now but hey ho , had no controll yesterday . Gayle good luck with packing today , hope you have a plesant lunch Ailsa . Sue cant believe your handsome dignified husband would ever do anything like that lol . Helen what you up to today ? I've got a full day thank goodness , Pick sis up , visit dad , drop sis off pick grandkiddies up ,. visit cemetery and pet shop , drop kiddies off , Get ready for a christening , visit cemetery pick daughter up , Go to christening . drop car off and then i can relax and have a drink  ahhhh . Not to much of course , i,ve got a 2 hour drive in the mornng to sort the headstone out , but its the bench fitting at half past 8 in the morning too yippee , .. I think Kaz said she would be away from the comp for a few days , Hi anyway Kaz .. Hi Dottee , Fiona and all the gang . I'll be checking in on you all via my mobile , i love my mobile xx 

Take care

Lynnexxxxxxxxx

Morning all

Not so sunny today but feel a little stronger than this time yesterday, so a little hope there then.  Lynne, I now need a snooze because I am exhausted just reading all that you are going to do today! 

Gayle - I am thinking of you, with all your packing - I don't envy you.  It may be that I have joined this thread too recently and previous posts explain. - I hope you don't mind me asking - and please feel free not to answer - but I wondered how/why  you came to be moving, and are you staying in the same town or are you moving away? 

Patricia - you are amazing - well done for getting through the day, and being so brave.  Japan? tell us more.

Ailsa and Sue .......... well now, Ed always said that he wasn't the only male to do that - thanks for admitting that he was right!!  Ailsa - do you think that maybe all our (obviously absent) braincells are somewhere discussing just what to do about us. 

Top coat of painting on the three shelves today - you would think it was the Forth Road Bridge the way I go on about it.  PS (The clingfilm didn't work - had to clean the brush before I used it again anyways, so that'll teach me to take shortcuts.)

Love to all xx

Morning, was too tired to come on last night so just been catching up!!

Judi Ed will be saying `I told you so!!` about the brushes lol!!

Ailsa I am the same, as soon as the house is empty I cry!!! Thought it was just me!! It isn`t empty very often, someone is usually in so think it hits harder when it is!

I was going to do all sorts this weekend but yesterday just passed! I did get the car sorted and do the garden but have got cupboards and under the stairs I want to sort.

Got someone coming to look at another bike Paul bought, sold his new one pretty quickly but this one is an old Suzuki he bought to learn to ride on  last year in between hischemo and radiotherapy!! Something he decided he wanted to do. Has anyone seen the film Bucket List? Learning to ride his bike was put on is bucket list (things to do before you kick the bucket!!!) He never added anything else to the list and when I was telling a friend about his list at his funeral she said well he must have been very content and happy with what he had if he couldn`t think of anything else to add. I hope so xxx Oh dear that has started the tears, come when you`re not expecting them eh??

Have a good Sunday everyone

Helen xx

Good morning everyone.  Looks like I am going to have nice weather again here today so I plan to get outside and paint a few gates and a bird bath.  I am going to my friends for lunch at 3 and then my youngest daughter will came round to see me.  Lynne - your day sounds absolutely packed but I bet you love it!  Have a lovely day and enjoy the christening.  You sound excited about the bench.  I can't really do a special garden dedicated to Chris because he had done so much work in our garden, some of it early in 2007 before he became ill.  It wouldn't be right to re-model any of it.  I spent a lot of time in the garden yesterday and moved some furniture round to make it easier to enjoy but I did decide to get a plaque with a special message on it to Chris.  I will sort it out in the next couple of weeks.  Glad you got out last night Lynne.

I'm glad you had got through yesterday okay Patricia.  You did some nice things.  What lovely sisters you have.  One of my sisters is going to come and stay with me for the weekend on the 16th October.  This is very hard for the kids isn't it?  It is my son Stuart's birthday on Thursday.  He misses his dad so much.  They spent a lot of time together and shared virtually identical interests.  Stuart's girlfriend is probably the most obviously sensitive to the 'empty place' when we all get together.  I will have to watch out for Stuart on Thursday.

How are you today Gayle.  Hope you are able to make some progress with the packing today.  I like what your client did with his grandad's ashes.

Sue - now that it has been mentioned I think Kaz did say she was going to be off the site for a few days.  I'm sure she will be back soon.

How are you and Alan Dot?  Where is the walk that you are doing?

Hi Judi - if our missing braincells are trying to figure out what to do about us I hope they come up with a cunning plan.  Good luck with the shelves today.  Although Chris loved DIY I usually did the painting so Chris couldn't comment on paint brushes - I usually use cheap ones and throw them away straight after!!

Good luck with Paul's bike Helen.  I've never seen Bucket List but what your friend said about there only being the one thing on Paul's sounds right to me.  Chris didn't have a bucket list of things to do in that same way.  He wanted to see the World Cup next year and wanted to go and see some events at the Olympics in 2012.  He saw that as a great opportunity not to be missed.  Because he was going to miss events that couldn't be brought forward there was nothing we could do about ticking things off as done.  He mentioned not getting to see the the World Cup at his final meeting with the oncologist - oh oh tears!!  Anyway - good luck with the viewer Helen, and the cupboard cleaning for that matter.

Hope everyone else is okay today.  Ailsa xx

Morning everyone

It is another sunny day here, so must make the most of it and do some work in the garden later. Have had a busy morning, cleaned the house top to bottom and two loads of washing done. So just having a brouse on the computer and will then be off to the gym. Really trying to pull myself together a bit after the last couple of days.

Patricia glad yesterday went as well as it could. I read your birthday poem to Ray it was so beautiful and touching it bought the tears flowing. I am sure that whilst there may have been an empty seat at the restaurant Ray was with you all and smiling at the fuss made of him.

Ailsa and Helen I am just the same as you able to keep things together when with others but as soon as I am alone the tears just flow.

Judi sorry your clingfilm didn't work I always use that trick and it normally works, I love painting but hate all that cleaning afterwards so anything to make things easier is good for me. Have felt like doing some decorating here as I find it very therapeutic but the house doesn't really need it so my sensible head is telling me not to.

Galyle hope you can find some energy today. It is so hard i know when you just want to hibernate away. I feel like that most of the time and really have to force myself out of bed but normally find that once I am doing something I feel a little better.

Wow Lynne are you going to be stopping to draw breathe today! You made me feel exhausted just reading what you are up to today. Hope you have a lovely day.

Have a good day everyone.

Debs