My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Morning everyone,

Hugs Helen - it will be a combination of everything. I felt it a lot when I got back to work properly (after the staggered start) as I felt that my life was back in its routine and looked normal to everyone but of course doesn't feel it and at times felt like screaming at everyone going about their daily lives as if nothing had changed (which of course it hadn't for everyone). I feel okay today but I am sure it will nosedive as the week goes on. It is my birthday next week so I am really not looking forward to that. I have told everyone I am not celebrating it this year and I have taken the day off work in case they made a fuss. My boss tried to get me to change my mind and said he would take me out for a slap up lunch but I just don't want to. I did treat myself to a lovely 2010 diary though as a treat to me. I am "lucky" in that Wully's birthday is not for ages and our wedding anniversary was June.

Well I have viewers in an hour so better get my finger out. This couple have a note of interest in my house and I have just discovered their's is closing on Tuesday so sounds promising. I am starting to feel more enthusiastic about moving as I think we need a change of scenery. I think it will help us focus on something else. I will then go out to M&S for some food shopping as I have my borrowed BMW sitting in the drive and want to take it for a run.

I was very industrious last night as I couldn't sleep so ended up doing my ironing, changing the kids beds and then sorting out my shoes so never fell into bed until 4.

Hope your day is okay ladies & Kev.

Gayle x

Sorry to hear you are feeling low at the moment helen, I know when my mum died last year I went through some real lows often after events ie going back to work, I guess you have something to focus on then it's all over and nothing has really changed and the loss just creeps back on you. At the moment I take each day as it comes and not a day goes by when I don't feel that overwhelming sadness when I just want to shut myself away but past experience tells me thing will get better.
Debs x

Thanks girls for your good wishes xxx

I`ve given myself a talking to!!! I even went back to bed - on a Sunday afternoon!!!. Got up now bit brighter and bit more get up and go. I went back to work in June but think having the 6 weeks off has put me back a bit.

Right, things to do

Thanks again everyone

Speak later

Helen xxx

Really glad you are feeling a little brighter Helen.
debs x

Hi there. I will be joining you with the ironing shortly Lynne. Just doing some pizza for the kids then need to have a bath and iron ready for work tomorrow. For the first time in my life I am not really looking forwrd to going back to work tomorrow. I can usually be a bit of a workaholic. It is just lack of enthusiasm nothing more. I am sure I will be fine when I get there tomorrow.
I am glad you are feeling a bit brighter Helen. I am better than when I first got back from camping so I expect I will get better some more each day.
Right - best get off and check the pizza. Have a good night everyone. Ailsa xx

Hi there everyone seems like you have all been feeling pretty low over the weekend. Must be something in the air.
I went to my daughter's yesterday for dinner and we had a lovely time. She showed me the photos from her recent holiday and lo and behold I burst into tears. Memories of holidays I had with Ray and the thought of never having another with him were just too hard to bear. Oh dear, I made her cry too. Didn't want to do that.
To-day I have been at a Baby Blessing Ceremony for my new little great-nephew. They are Mormon and I am not so it was an interesting time. Mum-in-law was there as she is the great-grandma. She and I were very sad because we were thinking about Ray and the fact that he was not with us. One of the 'sister's' from the church came to talk with m-i-l and she just sobbed. It is the first time I have seen her let go. I feel so bad for her.
Helen, it is quite natural for you to have times of uncontrollable grief. It is 27 weeks today since Ray died and I still have them.
Welcome back Ailsa and well done on even going away in the first place. I have been asked to go to London for a weekend with some friends and I am kind of reluctant to go as I just know what bad company I am. I don't quite know how to say it though without them thinking that I am brushing them off yet again.
Lynne, yes I always work nights. I do 2 per week. starting at 19.30 and finishing at 07.30 (if I am lucky).
Well sleep well all and I hope tomorrow is a better day for you all x x Patricia x x

Hi Patricia...That roller coaster of emotion, it is so hard hon.
You should go to London with your friends, If they are real friends they will understand that your not going to be the life and soul of the party, but if you dont go what will you be doing???
Yes sitting there thinking and you know what that does....It will end in tears.
You never know a little time away just may do you good, dont be so hard on yourself you may even have a laugh..Life is too short.. Live for the day!!!!!
kaz xxxxxxxxx

If you dont mind me adding something...you will not be bumping into anyone you know or may meet again, so what if you do cry? you would cry at home too wouldnt you.? if you go, it will be another first over with? only thoughts, hope you dont mind. x

Thanks Kaz and Coral, I understand totally what you are saying. It is what I would say to you if it was the other way round. They are true friends and would understand totally. One of them lost her husband to lung cancer and another to a sudden fatal heart attack and the third had a messy and acrimonious divorce. It is just me who feels unable to cope. I probably will go and enjoy it my main worry is when it comes to bed time because I have a very disturbed sleep pattern and worry that I will disturb whoever I have to share with. Oh dear. What to do!?
Thank you for your concern though. x x Patricia x x