My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Evening, all (with apologies to Dixon of Dock Green!)

Well, I am sorry that i haven't posted much of late - I've been reading, but not had much to add. 

Today I've finished a course, and am now a qualified 'intervenor', that is, qualified to act as 'eyes and ears' -and indeed 'mouth' - for a deaf/blind person. It is so many years since I've been a student of anything that I wondered initially whether or not I'd cope, but here we are!!  As you no doubt know, i volunteer for a wonderful charity called SENSE, which supports families with deaf/blind children. I started doing this because , having been made redundant a year to the day after Alan died, I had reached the point where I really needed to get out of the house and do something that was outward looking. Fortunately it has been the best thing ever, and i now hope to use my skills to work more closely with some of our precious little children, most of whom have severe life-limiting conditions.

to all the dear penguins on here, who have been so supportive over the last 20 months, a huge thank you for your never-failing love (I use the word advisedly!) and encouragement, without which i should never have had the confidence to embark on this new phase of my life.     Let's all keep on swimming - we WILL get there.

xx

Evening everyone.  A huge well done to you Sue.  You have always sounded like you love your volunteering with SENSE so much it doesn't surprise me at all that you have qualified in this new role.  Good luck with it Sue.

Judi I loved reading about how things are going with you.  It is lovely to hear from you.  It sounds like Boy is doing just fine as well.  Good luck with the new manager job.  I am trying to imagine you with very short hair - you must look very grown up!  So glad to hear the Kat is on the mend.  Keep letting us know when you can how the new job is going.

Fiona I hope you are getting on okay looking after your Dad while your sister is away.  It really isn't long now until you & Kim are off to New York.  I am sure you will have a lovely time.  It is a place I would like to visit sometime.

Helen have a great time visiting the Lakes.  Lynne - how is that new shower bath coming along?  I hope it all went well today & you have been able to try it out.

Pam how are you?  I am sorry you were having a hard time at the weekend & I hope maybe things are a bit better by now.  My family are very hit & miss.  My brothers & sisters often let me down but have no idea they have done it.  They tend to avoid the subject of Chris & I altogether.  They very quickly stopped ringing me but I know they are all getting on with their lives which is how it is supposed to be so I let them get on with it.  I am seeing them all at the beginning of March for one of my brother's 50th.  I am looking forward to it.

Janet I hope you have a lovely time in the Lakes as well and then off to America.  I am sure you will have a great time there as well.

Dot very well done encouraging Alan to go along to the hospice for a visit.  I only managed to get Chris there once and that was only because it was the only place he could go a particular clinic he needed to attend.  He was quite determined not to give the hospice a chance but I know that there is a great deal of support to be had there so I hope Alan goes along again.

Lynda nice to hear from you.  I'm sorry you have been having a tough time but I love the idea of the eco-friendly hugs.  Hugs are brill (& so are grandsons!)

Rosemary the sun was out here as well today but I am not sure it was warm enough for gardening!!  My van was frozen again this morning.  I couldn't get the doors open lol!

Becky it sounds like you had a pleasant visit to Hull & your family this weekend.  Maybe next time you visits Mark's tree it will have leaves.  I have a tree in my back garden that my work gave me when chris died.  I keep popping out to check that for leaves.  I remember being really excited last year when the new leaves appeared.  How are you doing with the training?

Gayle how is the new clear vision?  Are you anymore used to it?  I have to say your friend sound lovely.  Try not to be scared.  You deserve to be happy so go for it.  My daughter Becky is still getting on very well with her chap from Dundee.  It seems to be making a huge difference that he has sons & his own responsibilities.  I have my fingers crossed for both of you to be very happy.

Patricia this is very difficult for you coming up to the 2nd anniversary.  I think I want to spend our 2nd anniversary with my own thought this year.  My children were being very attentive last year and I felt crowded.  I think I would very much like to be alone with my thoughts this year and no pressure from anyone else to behave in a particular way.  I think your plan to go to your special place and have a sit & a think if the weather is fine is a good one.  Sending you lots of (((hugs))).

It's getting a bit late for me so now I have had a good catch up with you all I should shoot off to bed.  I hope everyone is having a decent week.  Take care.  Ailsa xxx

Hi Ailsa, thanks for asking how I am.  Have been reading all the posts but not been posting myself.  Have been a bit down since the weekend, following on from my saga with my brother, due to events which have happend since it has come to light how him and my sister in  law really feel about me. 

.....I am having a great time, going out and about and going on holiday.  What have I got to be down about. Get over it........ Or words to that affect.  Horrible cruel words.  I can't really believe it.  But then, my brother has always been self absorbed so why should now be any different. 

Sorry for the moan, but feel so hurt and let down.  I am now going to try to put it behind me, but the words now written can never be retrieved, so it looks like I have two less family members to support me.   But I am lucky enough to have my daughters, grandchildren and many good friends.  So I should now put this out of my mind and move on.

Anyway, I hope all you penguins have as good a day as you can, and lots of (((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))) to you all.

Pammie xx

oh pam

I am so sorry that your brother and sister have been so calus and thought less. Probably luckily for them they have no idea what is really going on inside. What do they expect that you will be doing? Sitting in all day staring at four walls? I am sure that they would have something to say about that too!! Doing things is what we all find ourselves doing to pass the time not because we are on some sort of hedonistic trip and are having a good old jolly! OOh some people can be so thought less because it surely does not take much imagination to appreciate that is what is going on, wether you have been there or not.

Rant over.

Glad that you still have your children and grandchildren who are being understanding. You can't choose your family can you.

Take care of yourself and keep swimming, its all about keeping your head above water.

Becky

Oh Becky, thanks for that.  I know you are right and I am not going to let it get me down any more.  It will be their loss not mine.

Hope you have a good day, and yes I will keep swimming

Love

Pammie xx

Hello everyone. I am another that hasnt posted in a while, just struggling with everyday life I guess. I went back to work on Tuesday & Wednesday this week. In some ways it was good as my daughter was on a French trip this week (she just got back and is having a long soak in the bath now) and so it kept my mind occupied. But in other ways, it was sad.............nothing had really changed, still the same rubbish computer system crashing and just so many annoying little things and I wondered several times 'what am i doing here'. I am off now till 28th as its half term next week and I want to be around for the kids even though they are teenagers. My daughter had a meltdown last week and I had to inform the school that she was ready to 'blow' and they were very helpful and sympathetic after their initial uselessness. Luckily she got through it and was up for going on her school trip which was great as she had a lovely time.

I was determined not to think 'this time last year......' but I dont seem to be in control of my brain, it does as it pleases, and on Feb 11th i knew it was a year ago that Jack got his terminal diagnosis.

Still got most of the sympathy cards up, but i am taking them down bit by bit so it doesnt look suddenly bare whenthey are all gone. My son and i are working our way through the boxed set of '24' season 1. I am filling my time somehow, but its always there at the back of my mind. He's never coming back.

I am sorry that some of you have got unsympathetic friends and relatives - it  just adds to your pain.

Best wishes to you all

Clare x

Evening everyone.  Pam I am glad you posted.  I'm sorry your brother and sister in law are being so thoughtless.  It has been said by a lot of different people on here, all at different times, that only the people who have walked in our shoes really know the hopeless feelings we have so many times.  The others really have no idea (thankfully).  The best thing to do is just as you have done and avoid them.  It will do you no good to do otherwise.  It is lovely that you have your daughters and grandchildren so they are the only ones who deserve your attention for now.  I am sure I know only too well how you are feeling and at times like this I make a bee-line for this site where I know people really do know and care.  Sending you ((((hugs)))).  Becky I hope you are okay this evening as it has been a difficult day for you today.  I think you need ((((hugs)))) as well.  Well it is almost the weekend.  I used to find weekends really difficult without Chris but recently I find myself really looking forward to them.  They are good if I have something planned and they are good if I haven't as then I get some quiet time just to think.  This weekend is a busy one as I am staying at Becky's tomorrow night and then looking after Declan overnight Saturday while Becky goes to a concert.  My new fridge freezer should be delivered on Sunday.  I am taking Declan to my Mum & Dad's on Saturday evening to have dinner with them & my brother and his family while they visit M & D.  I am meeting a friend for coffee tomorrow afternoon after work - busy, busy, busy.  I hope everyone else has nice plans for the weekend.  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx

Hi Clare - our posts crossed.  You struck a chord with me as I struggled with Friday the 11th as well.  Chris was told 2 years ago on the 11th Feb that he was now terminal as well.  Just a coincidence I know but I still struggled with that date this year.  At least going back to work will give you some focus on those days although it must be hard if you are feeling like it is the same old, same old!  Maybe it will be better when you have been back a bit longer.  I am glad to hear your daughter had a good time on her trip.  Take care and enjoy 24.  Ailsa xxx

Ahhhhh just lost my post!!!! Try again.

Hello everyone,

Pam, I am so sorry for the hassle you are having from your brother.  It is very hurtful and I hope you are okay.  I am thinking of you xxx  Clare, I know that feeling of returning to work and the world is all normal around us when it shouldn't be.  Our world has exploded so why is everything else just stayed the same.  I often feel like I am just coasting through life with no purpose.  I am glad the school have been more helpful with your daughter and that she enjoyed her trip.  The kids are such a worry and worrying how they are coping and how this affects them now and in the future.  My two were only 4 and 3 but it has affected them and will do for the rest of their lives.  Ailsa, your weekend plans sound good and hope you have a nice time with Declan and get the fridge freezer all sorted on Sunday.  Dont do what I did and rip the floor getting the old one out! I still have to put the new floor down but just don't seem to have the time at the moment.  My eyesight is great thanks.  I still can't believe how amazing it is and can highly recommend it (you get £150 if you mention my name :))  Patricia, hope you are doing as okay as you can.  I am thinking of you often and sending big hugs.

Billie is doing okay after her op.  It is a very strange one.  She had a haematoma in her ear so they have basically stitched about a dozen buttons onto her ear (normal old buttons off a jumper!).  It looks as horrible as it sounds.  She is a very nervous dog so is driving me mad as she is terrified of the buster collar but I have ordered a fancy one from Amazon (thanks Rosemary) and hopefully that will help her.  I had my first appointment at the hospital tonight and it went okay although he thought he could feel a "bulk" (whatever that is) so I have to get an ultrasound next week then they are going to operate.  Not looking forward to facing it on my own but hopefully it will sort out my problems sooner rather than later.  I was taken out for dinner last night and had a lovely time so things in that area are going okay if I can just calm my nerves about it all lol.  Not that many exciting plans for the weekend but looking forward to it as it has been a manic week.  I am going out with the girls tomorrow and then my friend is coming over and we are staying in on Saturday then back to work again!  I had a flat tyre today so need to go and get that sorted tomorrow.  It is never ending!

Anyway, I better go and hopefully get an early night tonight.

Take care penguins

Gayle xxx

hi guys

pam I hope you are feeling a little stronger today.

Sue brilliant acheivement at SENSE

Ailsa busy weekend but filled with good stuff is definately something to look forward to. so many nice things. hope you enjoy it.

Gayle its good to hear that your eyes are good. Sounds like a strange thing they have done to your billie, but if it works. glad the new relationship is going ok, I am sure the mind is working overtime about it but you deserve to be happy.

Clare I know exactly what you mean about things being the same at work and it all feels wrong. I have been back at work for 3 weeks now (part time) and although it was a lot longer before I returned to work it is scary how easily i just slipped back into role. Nothing has changed and yet it feels like everything should have. Just because on the surface you seem ok people think you are ok when your not. It is all very odd.

I have my sister and her husband coming for the weekend tonight so i need to tidy this place up. No work today.

Take care of yourselves

Becky