My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Well that's the second christmas without him. I have to say it was far harder than last year - maybe because I expected it to be easier?  I miss him with every ounce of my body and soul, and so wish that I could wake up from this nightmare.

xx

 For Sue and  all penguins xxxxx

Sue I am sending you a huge big hug.  I too feel the same - so apologies for my absence ladies.  It is just a constant struggle and battle now and I am getting truly fed up with it (can you sense one of my toddler tantrums coming on :)).  Its just the same old "why me" or "why us".  I was 33 with a lovely family and so much to look forward to before it is all so cruely taken away with Wully having to suffer terrible pain and illness for 4 years.  Christmas was rubbish and I managed to scrape through it.  I went to my sisters and her boyfriends family were there also.  I get so fed up with all the happy family stuff and felt incredibly lonely yet surrounded by people.  Wully loved Xmas and I just can't do it without him.  Sunday was spent feeling sorry for myself while the kids played with their new toys and yesterday was slightly better as we went to the Panto.  I wasn't looking forward to it but it was actually really funny and John Barrowman was the star in it so he was very good.  I am feeling I need some time on my own to hide away so the boys are going to my parents tomorrow for the day and night and I am looking forward to being by myself.  Just need to get on with this week and get NYE past.  I am going out this year for the first year in many as Wully was either too ill or we had the kids as babies.  I am dreading it but feel I need to make an effort.  I will have Jane with me so I am sure she will make it okay. 

Sorry for the bah humbug post and hope it doesn't make any of you even more depressed.  Jane did write in my Xmas Card this year that she thinks 2011 is going to be a good one for us so here's hoping.  I have a few weekends away planned with Jane and also with the boys and we booked to go to Ibiza in the summer as Jane has a little girl the same age as Jamie so we are looking forward to all going there.  Maybe it will be a good year?  All that kept me going this year was wondering what future Christmas's will hold and where will be in 12 months time.

Anyway, I'm off to brave the Xmas tv.  Much love and big hugs to my penguins.

Gayle xxxx

Oh well, said I would post last night but could not get onto MAC site.  The day was as I thought it woul be.  I kept seeing Martin doing the things he usually did when we had company.  Having to do all the things he usually did when we had company.  Well I forgot the gravy.  Was going to try and make the great gravy that Martin made and everyone liked and in the end was just thinking of dishing up when I realised.  My daughter then proceeded to quickly make up the bisto, so we could not have his special gravey.  Well what the heck.  Wasn't sure what to do about the place where Martin always sat.  Was going to sit there myself as then I would not have to see his space, but was too far away from the kitchen, so my youngest grandaughter promptly sat there.  It seemed OK.  That was something I was dreading, but it was OK.

So have got over Christmas, have got over family meal, now just have to get over New Years Day and I can get back to the sort of normal  that surrounds me now.  Not the normal that I would ever wish for, but the normal that is now my life.  I miss him so terribly, in waves of high and low.  I can't see my life without him, but I will keep going and see it through. I don't know what the future holds for me, nor do I care, but just keep thinking what you dear penguins tell me.  One day at a time, if you can't do one day then one hour at a time.

So all you lovely penguins that are having such a hard time at the moment, let us all join flippers, think of our loved ones, and say out loud.

WE WILL GET THROUGH THIS AS LONG AS WE KEEP SWIMMING.

Love and Big (((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))

Pam xx

Pam I think Martin maybe sabotaged the gravy, bit like I would if anyone thought they could possibly make a Christmas pudding like mine lol!  Glad you managed to get through it all though, I am glad we are the other side of it all and now I don't need to put the Christmas lights on every night, no-one here to see it so I don't bother.  Christmas day was very odd, firstly waking up alone, but that wasn't so bad as I had some quiet moments with Steve and then spoke with a good friend on the phone and shared some time with her, Sam came for breakfast and we spent the day together.  We visited the in-laws and f-i-l actually seemed to know we were there as he had asked what time we were arriving, but when he tried to talk he almost couldn't speak, like the words wouldn't come out of his mouth.  Sam found that very hard as she hadn't seen him for a while.  Daniel had been working at the club so we expected him to be sleeping in and as Wayne was working in the morning we planned dinner for 3 p.m but by 2.30 when we hadn't seen or heard from Dan I phoned him, he said he would be over shortly (he lives literaly a minute away).  By 3.20 I dished up and we were just sitting down to eat when he and his girlfriend arrived - to say I was hurt and upset is putting it mildly but I tried to keep it calm so as not to totally ruin everything.  Anyway that's the last I've seen of him, he and Georgina went home at 6 p.m as did Sam and Wayne, leaving me wondering what on earth we would all be doing by next Christmas! (Daniel hopes to be in Australia but that's another story)

So swimming it is my sweets - once this darned cough has gone so's I don't drown! - flippers joined and jump in!  Personally I have always hated New Year so that isn't going to be such a huge problem for me, just need to get over the 8th January and also of course throught losing father-in-law when it happens - I am just praying that it isn't 8th January, that would surely be too much.  Not sure if I will be able to make the February meet, having problems with the doggery, but will see what can be done.  Ok have lost the plot now and will have to re-read everyone's news - sending love and hugs to you all though and will blow up a few lilo's and other inflatables so we can bob along sipping Baileys or orange juice and lemonade, under tropical skies in a heated indoor pool specially made for penguins xxxxxxxx

I can not know how difficult your lives are without your partners and soulmates - but life without my Dad to share jokes and funny stories with is hard enough to bear.  I have reached for the phone so many times in the last few days only to remember at the last minute that he's not there any more........then the tears flow again!!!  I find that I cry too because Alan is so upset and sad......But his grief becomes anger - and I find I get the worst of it..........Men don't cry - do they????

Even my doggy-paddle is weak and fumbling - I'm finding it very hard to stay afloat.........

Think we all need a big comforting ((((((((((group hug))))))))) xxx

Evening everyone.  I hope I am not too late to join the group hug Dot.  Sue I think I can say that I have found this Christmas more difficult than last year as well.  I feel so lonely.  I ache for Chris.  Rosemary I have found myself thinking a lot about how things will be by next Christmas.  My children have been very attentive but the house seems very empty this Christmas.  I think it is because we went to Becky's for dinner I haven't had a houseful at all over the holiday.  Because it hasn't been full it seems very empty.  I don't know whether that makes sense but I know what I mean.  I haven't been very well either so that hasn't helped.  I think I have an infection in my face and I also have a cough.  I am going back to work tomorrow for 2 days so I will try to get a doctors appointment and get it sorted out.  I'm very tired and have been feeling a bit queasy today.  There is a lot of pressure in my face even though I have been steaming it regularly.  I am sure I will feel far less sorry for myself once I feel a bit better.  Gayle - I am sorry you have found Christmas so difficult as well.  Maybe once next weekend is out of the way some of us can look forward a little more.  I was determined to enjoy Christmas because Chris & I always did but I think I have failed miserably.  I don't really want to admit that to the kids as they are having fun and that is good. 

Helen - have a really good time with G over the New Year.  It will be lovely to hear about you having a good time.  It gives me something to aim for!

Rosemary it sounds like you had a bit of a trial on Christmas day but well done for getting on with it.  I'm sure Daniel had no idea he was stressing you.

Pam you did brilliantly feeding the family.  The gravy probably was a special message and you should take some comfort from the 'little joke'.

Fiona I hope things are not too busy for you with the sales in the shop.  Take care.

Well I had better stop waffling and get off to bed.  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx

Big hugs to everyone. Thinking of you all.

Dot, yes I'm afraid men do cry. Perhaps Alan is thinking about his own mortality? The deatrh of someone close when you are facing the same thing yourself must be devastating. Bringing all your fears ever closer. Big hugs to you and Alan as I know this must be really difficult fgor you both.

Rosemary, families can be inconsiderate at times without ever really meaning tio hurt us.  I hope you and your son manage to resolve whatever issues you have. I am thinking of you around now as it must be a difficult time. I pray that your father in law does not choose to go on the 8th (that woulkd be too difficult for you to bear). Shame about the 'meet'. Oh well, of it is meant to be it will happen.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

p.s. It just took me 4 attempts to get my name right lol.

Hi to all u lovely penguins -- Gald to hear u all got through xmas as best u could -- hard for everyone + thinking of u dot big blow losing your dad  (((( hugs