My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

PS Ailsa don't be frightened of slowing up a bit and actually having time to think, you have to do it sometime and when better than at Christmas when we are all thinking of loved ones both here and there, pour a Rosemary sized Baileys, wrap up in his old jumper and have a good old chat to him, remember the good Christmases, the lights he put up and all those late nights when the kids were little, all the good times.  That goes for all of you lovely penguins, Patricia, Helen and Lynne, Manda and everyone, thinking of you all and sending love xxxxxxx

Thankyou everyone for the warm welcome ... I do feel already this site will be a lifeline.  Today has been a difficult day for many reasons.  Its started when my car wouldn't defrost this morning and there was as much ice on the inside as the outside.  I managed to get to school to drop the kids off but had to stop about 5 times in the mile journey to keep scraping as there was no heat coming through.  It was my daughters school play at 10am so I kileed 40 minutes in Tesco (with no money or cash card) before watching her tearfully and wishing her dad could see her.  I then had to abandon the car and walk home to eventually get breakfast about half 11.  I then had a planned visit from the Macmillan nurse at 2pm who brought round a selection of books which can help explain death to the kids.  She also brought me a memory box that I'd asked for so I had a special place of my own to keep the sympathy cards, flower cards and letters that Carl had wrote me.  On a normal day I don't cry in front of anyone although can cry buckets on my own, but we ended up having a good cry together.  I totally agreed with her when she siad not only am I sad for my life and the part that Carl played in that, but also am grieving for the life that Carl hasn't got and the things he will miss out on that he shouldn't have.

Gayle, a year on do your children talk about there dad without any prompting from you?  I'm struggling at the moment because I feel as though if I don't mention him they won't either.  Then I get equally upset knowing that I'm forcing conversations and putting words in their mouth without it happening naturally. I'm just scared for them not to remember.

Pam, you had to wait quite a while to get the ashes as I got mine after a week.  I didn't know at the time that I was going to pick them up I was just running some errands, first to the funeral directors to pay up and then to Morrisons before picking up from school.  When I was asked if I wanted to take them with me I said yes but wasn't prepared in any way for what they would look or feel like.  I didn't expect them to be so heavy for one but what upset me most of all was walking out with what resembeled a cheap, brown toffee jar that had been put in a cheap plastic bag with something that had been a someone the week before.  The first night I cuddled up to them and watched I'm a Celebrity Get me out of here together!  Now I'm happy that hes still in the family house with me and the kids.

I'll sign off now as Die Hard 2 is on and its something to get lost in. 

Thanks again for the welcome.  I'm still reading everyone elses circumstances but will get more familiar in the coming months.  Take care and I hope everyones evening goes ok.

Love and hugs Janet xxxxx

Thanks Rosemary and I know exactly what you mean.  Thats why I say I am glad the boys are young as they will bounce back and not be as affected as perhaps they would be if they had been teenagers.  I did have an interesting chat with a guy recently who lost his dad when he was 4 and had a bit of a meltdown when he reached his teens so I think it will always be something that will affect them.  Possibly not helped that he died on fathers day so it will always be a difficult day for them.  We had a better night tonight as Ewan was stranded at gran and grandas.  That sounds terrible lol but my dad's car is off the road and they stay at my parents on a Monday but he couldn't collect Jamie from school so I picked him up and Ewan stayed at their house.  Jamie and I went to the chippie for tea then sat and watched the grinch together cuddled on the couch which is something we haven't done for a very long time and I think helped sort out his bad mood which he has been in for days. 

Janet, you are doing so well (I know that sounds patronising and I don't mean it to).  I remember school plays, etc and all those awful firsts with the boys last year and I couldn't have done it on my own so usually took my parents or sister so you were amazing doing all that alone today.  What a lovely thing for the macmillan nurse to give you a memory box.  I had a nice box that I kept all the cards, etc in too and I have a large box that I keep things like Wully's toothbrush, clothes he was wearing when he died, etc.  The boys do talk about their dad a lot as probably I do.  I think at the beginning you feel that you are kind of forcing it but thats okay.  I have found now its just a part of conversation whether it be with the boys or friends or family.  Like a TV programme will come on and we will say oh Daddy liked that etc.  Jamie (my 6yr old) is car daft like his dad so he talks a lot about him.  If he sees a smart car he will say daddy liked that type of car.  This is surprising as Jamie was only 4 when his dad died but he was a right daddy's boy.  I have a friend whos dad died when she was 5 and it was an unspoken rule that they weren't to mention their dad in front of their mum in case it upset her and she told me about this when Wully died.  I have always bore it in mind as she said it caused her big issues as she got older as she never dealt with the grief.  So I make sure that the boys are always reminded of him and also remember that its okay to cry in front of them as its important to know that its okay to be sad and to miss him.  I too had a couple of books that I got to deal with grief but didn't find them much use.  Your children are a wee bit older so it might be good for them.  One of the books was about dealing with imminent death and Wully and I read it to him together.  Afterwards we asked Jamie how he would feel if daddy had to go to heaven or something like that as we knew he only had weeks left.  Jamie said we would find a new daddy with better hair!!!! Kids eh!  At least Wully found it hilarious.

Anyway, I'm rambling.  Pam I am so glad you were at peace with your ashes and no its not mad.  I keep Wully in a little glass urn I had made, left some at our old house, scattered some at the beach, gave some to his sister and also put some in a necklace.  I still have some left and they are to be scattered at the golf course and I may do it on his birthday in January as I feel I need to do it but haven't felt ready yet.  Dot don't you worry about the cards.  We know you have had the most horrendous time recently and you take care of yourself.

I can't believe it will be 18 months tomorrow since I lost him.  Some days he seems to be fading away in my mind and other times it feels like yesterday.  Although happily when I close my eyes I can still remember the feeling of his soft fuzzy hair (obviously Jamie was right lol), and the feel of his skin and what his big cuddles felt like.  And that is a good thing.  I'm glad I still remember.

Right off to bed as busy day tomorrow.  Night night penguins.

Gayle xxxx

Gayle, sending you hugs today. I am in awe of you. I just don't know how anyone with  young children deals with such events. ((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))) hope today is a good one for you x x

*★Merry★* 。 • ˚ ˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ •
•。★Christmas★ 。* 。
° 。 ° ˛˚˛ * _Π_____*。*˚
˚ ˛ •˛•˚ */______/~＼。˚ ˚ ˛
˚ ˛ •˛• ˚ ｜ 田田 ｜門｜ ˚and a Happy New Year

oooh didn't expect that to work. Hope I didn't upset anyone with it x x x

Wow, that's great, I love it.   :o)

Thanks Patricia and love the Merry Christmas xxx

Very clever Patricia, I am impressed!  Merry Christmas to you too and Happy New Year, it's still good to wish each other that as although it can't be how it was or what we want they would be the first to want us to have a good life and that includes Christmas too. xxxxxx

It is not that impressive. I only copied and pasted but was surprised that it worked lol.

I hope that you are all having a reasonable time and that you have a peaceful Christmas.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x