My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Back again!  So we ventured out into the snow, which wasn't too bad on Tuesday thank goodness and found the house (lovely house!) and as we walked up the steps to the front door Daniel looked at the footsteps in the snow and said "Hmm there seems to be a bit of a queue!"  That certainly broke the "ice" and we were laughing as Lynn opened the door - mind you it then really did look like the spirits were quieing to go in :-)   Lynn Probert is a lovely lady and introduced herself, made us a cup of tea and showed us upstairs to her.... office? therapy room? and explained to us how things would work, looking at the photo of Steve we had brought she would try and "tune in" to the spirits around her and rather than seeing a man as he would be she would expect to be aware more of an image in her mind as we would see Steve if we were thinking of him, a feeling and sense of the person rather than actually seeing and hearing as we do in the everyday world. 

She could tell I was more "up tight" than the kids and asked me to relax and said that Steve was worried about me as although I had been coping really well I had also worried too much about Samantha and Daniel and everyone else and the last few weeks had been getting really upset again and there had been tears when no-one else was there.  She then said that although Steve was never a very big built man he had lost a lot of weight when he was ill and was very thin and frail by the time he died (no surprises there), she then turned to Daniel and said, "he's laughing and saying he's put on weight and now has muscles bigger than yours!  Which he hasn't but he's pleased to be looking healthy and well again. I get the feeling that he would have been like that with you, Dan, joking and pulling your leg about things"  Daniel is very proud of his muscles and tries to keep in good shape, so Steve would very much have wanted him to know that his dad is looking good too.  Of course this relaxed us quite a bit, and there were lots of little things for each of us - Samantha he says you would know what he meant by you have an awful taste in music, if you can call it that?  She laughed at that, Steve was the one that took her to her physio appointments and she always played The Hoosiers or Mika in the car and sang along to all the songs, with actions too!  I ended up grabbing tissues though when she said "There's a dressing gown hanging on the back of the door, you often hold it close, trying to smell him on it.  One time you put it on and wrapped it around you so you could feel his hug"   No one knew that.

Sue of course I don't mind you asking. I have sent you a friend request if you would like to "talk" more privately, meantime I hope this account helps you a little bit.  Sending you love and a big hug.

We also took a photo of my lovely Jay dog, but she didn't really manage to connect with him well, also we took a photo of Beckham (Sam's horse for our newer people, he died in August this year).  Lynn laughed and said 'oh he's a handsome horse and quite a character', that sums up the beast I thought, 'it is a he isn't it?' she asked 'I just got a sort of feeling of a mare'  Sam chuckled, yes he was a boy but he could be such a fairy at times that Sam sometimes called him Petunia, then Sue said, 'You put a lot of pink on him didn't you?"  Oh yes, pink headcollars, pink rugs, pink food and drinking bowls (Sam always loved pink but after her accident she was obssessed!) 'You even painted his hooves once didn't you?"  Not pink but purple hoof oil that was and do you know he wouldn't have it on ever again, maybe that was a fuss too far :-))  'He was a nice horse and a lot of people liked him but he really had a close relationship with you didn't he Sam, something special' - yep, that was Sam and Bex, they were special and had a bond not many people are lucky enough to have with an animal.

Apparently Steve then said 'Thats the animals, what about me!" or words similar to that, he wanted to send healing to his mum and then she asked were there problems with his dad, I said yes.  She said 'he couldn't talk about it could he?  He could hardly mention Steve's name and everyone was very worried' well that is fairly acurate, although he did say his name and talk about things in the past he couldn't talk about what had happened or the loss of Steve at all - I honestly think that is why he is ill now. 

Another bit that had me in tears then and later - Daniel you and Sam were standing on the right hand side of your dad, he was very ill then and you didn't know if he could hear you.  You wanted to 'get a reaction' and you were telling jokes?  Daniel nodded, he knew what she meant.  He heard you, there was a story you told?  You got a reaction.  (Tears were later when Daniel explained the story)  Rosemary, I keep getting 3 o'clock, something about that time, was that when he passed?  It wasn't and I told her no, she asked maybe if that was when he lost conciousness and it came back to me that we had to call the doctor out at about 3 a.m as although Steve was sedated he had got very upset and was almost 'coming round' so our lovely GP came straight out and gave him a stronger dose and settled him back into bed with us.  That was the moment we truly lost him.  After that though she said, you were on his left when he passed (I was, we were all around the bed then), you wanted more time with him alone but too much was happening and you couldn't do it (correct), there was a moment too when you said 'It's alright to let go, you don't have to hold on anymore, you can let go now', he knew, he heard you and is grateful. 

I hope I haven't upset anyone, or offended anyone but as I said earlier it was a comfort and it brought a lot of good feelings knowing that he is still close by (do you sometimes feel a light touch? Almost like a hair on your face, but nothings there?  That was him.  Sam do you sometimes feel like your head is itching, almost like you have head lice (she's always scratching her head just at the top - oh and she doesn't have lice), that's your dad just letting you know he's there.  Sam laughed, tell him to stop it - Lynn, you tell him).  Also as I said though, he is still gone from me and it still hurts, but it's fine for me to talk to him and it doesn;t mean I'm going mad talking to myself because he is listening - well there's a turn up for the books when did they ever listen to us before?  Bless them all, footprints in the snow, butterflies hovering nearby, they are still with us in our hearts and nearby forever.  Love to you all xxxxxxxxx

Thank you Esme, I have tried to add you as a friend but don't know if it has worked.

Take care, Love Sue

We are friends Sue! :-)))))

Oh Rosemary - what a lovely experience for you all.......I can't say more than that........just.............

Love and ((((hugs)))))

Dot xxxxxxxxxxxx

Aah Rosemary  so sorry to hear about more bad news for your in laws. Lovely that thye ve got you but must be so hard for you  too xx The medium sounds fab!! I went to one in the summer and she was very good and as you say she told me things in a way that Paul would have said them!!

Becky so many unanswered questions over this horrible illness and how our loved ones died. It reminded me too (like Gayle) of Paul`s battle and strength. He kept active and doing right until his last day! I got told too that as he was young the body is so strong and I think also he wanted to keep going for us, didnt want to be a patient which I m glad to say he wasnt and he died at home with me xxx

Ailsa hope you re ok and your window gets fitted soon.

Gayle glad you re happy in your house still. I am still going to get a real tree as Nat has told me I have to lol!!! Still not done any shopping though! I m off to Chester with G for weekend so may get some done there but doubt it!! Probably end up in a warm pub or restaurant he he!

Hope everyone is keeping warm too. I noticed on facebook something about the lanterns again on Christmas Day. Have we agreed on a time??

Have a good weekend everyone

Helen xxxxx

Hi Rosemary, was impressed with your visit to the medium.  I am always wondering if there is life after death and your visit seems to confirm there is.  I am tempted to try myself if I can find a good medium. 

Well I am in Wales safe and sound.  The journey was good, no snow and no holdups.  I will be staying till Monday and then will be going to Bath to see friends.  Then home sweet home on Wednesday. 

Hope you are all having as good a weekend as you can

Love andf ((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))

Pammie xx

Hello to everyone - I don't often come over here but I decided to tonight since I don't seem to 'see' any of you over on FB these days and I was wondering about you all. 

And now the tears are flowing - Rosemary I'm so touched by your posts and I really hope you continue to find comfort from all that you've written about.  It's something I have wondered if I find someone but then I am worried that P won't come forward.  I don't think I feel him around him but I am ok with the knowledge that if he could be around me then he would be so I am scared to ruin those thoughts.  But this is the second post (other one via FB email) tonight of such experiences - I wonder if it would be good to do before I go away next week.  It is comforting for me to read you experience and lovely to know it's right that we should be talking to our men as they are listening as I do believe he is.

I am off to escape the madness that is Christmas and now wish I had booked to go over the New Year too but when I booked it 3 months after loosing P I didn't know how I would feel.  Now I am worried about new year but will have to get through it.  I hope all of you manage both Christmas and New Year the best you can.  Take care and lots of hugs, Mandy xx

Morning everyone.  The sun is out so I am hopeful of it melting a lot of our snow today - pleeease!  I never got to work at all on Tuesday and neither did Stu's girlfriend so on Wednesday we decided to set off together, vry early so that I had some traction on the fresh snow and it worked.  Suzi did the last bit of her journey on a bus.  Becky now lives closer to my work than I do so I left my van in our car park for the next 2 days and Suzi & I went to Becky's each night instead.  The buses were taken off on Wednesday so it took me just over an hour to walk to Becky's in the snow.  After that I was able to do the journeys by walking on the lanes and getting a bus on the main roads.  I dug my van out of our car park Friday lunchtime and managed to get it home.  It worked out fine and I am grateful I had a solution but I was a bit at odds with myself on Thursday as I went to work in Becky's clothes.  Funny how you don't feel right dressed in someone elses clothes.  When I got home on Friday afternoon I had to dug my van into my drive as I was scared to leave it on the road in case someone skidded into it.  It wasn't as cold last night and it rained a bit as well.  There is still loads of snow but I hope the sun today helps.  Like so many people I need the snow to go now.  Coming up with solutions to so many problems without Chris to talk to seems to be sending me down in a bit of a tailspin.  I was on a Christmas do on Friday and had to book a taxi because my lift couldn't get off her street.  There was a problem with the taxi home and it was 3:30am when I got home after booking a taxi for 1:15am.  Chris always picked me up from a night out so I just felt like my nose was being rubbed iin it on Friday.  I ahven't been able to get it out of my head since but I am not pleased with myself as feeling like this serves no purpose.  I am going to try harder to shake myself out of it today.  I have some snow to clear and then I need to get my tree up.  My decorations are always up for at least 6 weeks so I have to do it today.

I couldn't get on a PC when I got stuck at Becky's so it has been nice to read all your posts today and catch up.  Pammie you sounded very down the other day so I hope getting to Wales has helped to lift you spirits.  It will be nice to see your daughter and her family.  You did well with the travelling on your own.

Rosemary thank you for sharing the detail of your visit to the medium.  I would like to go to one but am nervous about it.  I like the sound of it if it can make me feel more like Chris might be there and it is okay to speak to him.  I do speak out loud to him but sometimes don't feel confident it is worth it.  I had tears down my face reading what you wrote but I am so glad you shared it.  I am also hoping if I cry enough I might get my act togehter and get this ridiculous mood out of my system.  Thanks again.  How are you doing anyway?  I was sorry to read the news about your FILs brother.  How is he now?  Your snow pictures on FB wwere lovely.

Judi how is your sore throat?  I hope you are getting better.  You always say such good, helpful things and your advice to Pammie was spot on.  I know I have more good days than bad days now and reading that reminded me so maybe I can get a grip today as well.  Is there any news on a new car yet?

Bren I am glad you had got yourself a new dog walker.  Good luck with the final couple fo weeks at work before the holidays and have a very safe drive.

Lynda it is nice to hear from you.  This is a difficult time for you with the first anniversary looming very soon after the first Christmas.  Lots of ((((((hugs)))))).

Hi Patricia - an update on my window.  Because of the weather it will be closer to Christmas now before it goes in but I really don't mind.  It gives me a little bit more time to get ready for it and just like Judi said - it will go in when the time is right.  That is how it should be.  I hope you are okay?

Gayle - I hope your diet is going okay.  Have a lovely time tomorrow on your date.  I will be thinking of you on Tuesday.  It will be hard but you will be glad you did it.  I am not going to our hospice rememberance this year.  Chris was never in the hospice but I felt the need to go last year.  I think it might just drag me down this year so I am going to give it a miss.  How is your tree?

Becky I am glad the visit to the oncologist helped a little at least.  You did so well going.  I still wish I had been given that opportunity.  I assume if I had asked at the time I could have spoken to someone but I didn't know how to go about it and no-one offered.  It is too late now but well done to you.

Mandy it lovely to hear from you as well.  Have a great time when you are away.  I have nothing planned for New Year this year either.  I am just going to take it as it comes as it will be a relief not to have to take responsibility for entertaining anyone.  The family usually come here but they are all busy this time.

Helen I hope you are having a great time in Chester with G.  Good luck with the shopping.  I have finished mine.  Just need to get it all wrapped now.  I hadn't seen anything about the lanterns on Christmas day but was hoping we might all do the same again.  Has anyone got a time in mind - I will have a look on Sue's page on FB as it was Sue who started it all last year.

Right that is my dose of therapy for today.  Thanks to anyone listening to me ramble.  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx