My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Hi Judes, thanks for your kind words.  I know it is going to be a long, hard road.  But it is a road I don't want to walk, although I know I have no choice.  Martin is really in my head at the moment and it is so hard with all the memories.

Where are all you other lovely penguins.  Has the snow got into your laptops.  It is so very quiet here.

Tomorrow I am travelling across to Wales to see my daughter and family.  Well I hope to, I will see how far I get.  If the weather turns bad I will just turn round and come home.  Will pack my wellies, blanket and flask and just go for it.  It will be the first time I have done the journey on my own.  Another first to get through. Not sure how it will go, but you have got to do these things haven't you.  Can't just sit here and grieve no matter how much I want to.  So please wish me luck all you lovely penguins. 

Thanks Rosemary for your kind text.  It is good to know there is always someone out there in our worst black moments.  It was just too much to bear yesterday and did not know it I would get through.  But we come out the other side because we have to.

So I will say goodnight all you lovely penguins.  And even though I will be driving tomorrow and it will be difficult I will try to keep swimming.  Hope you will join me.

Love and ((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))

Pam xx

Pam, good luck with the drive, hope your weather holds up.  I think that is really brave of you to attempt that alone.  It is hard and the memories made me sad for a very long time.  I am only now starting to enjoy some good memories from time to time.  I have an 8 hour drive at Christmas but find for now I need to break it up and stay at a motel for the night as my knees get so sore driving.  Last year was the first time I had ever stayed in a motel alone before and it was odd but I have done it a few times now and am comfortable doing it. 

I have a dogwalker!  She is a professional dog trainer and very expensive but she will walk him half an hour in the middle of the day with two other dogs and said he was great today.  So that is one job done and since I am not buying groceries much, I can manage to pay her. 

I only have two more weeks and two days to work and then off for two weeks.  I am looking forward to the time off and also to the time visiting family and spending time with my MIL.  It has been to busy this term. 

I see that most of you are snowed in and hope the weather improves for you.  We have had alot of rain here and cooler temps but not a lot of snow yet and hoping it waits until the new year.

Sending lots of hugs

Bren

hi penguins

I hope you are all coping with the snowy weather, it's not too bad here, we have snow in leicester but it is no where near as bad as alot of places. Unfortunately my dad has got stuck visiting me, me came down on monday, without any problems because I had a meeting with Marks oncologist on tuesday and needed some support, but he couldn't get home yesterday because all the motorways between here and Hull  were bad. Had to get him in to my GP for some more meds as he had run out of his!

The appointment with the oncologist was very difficult, not suprising. I fell appart more then I wanted to and could barely start talking for the tears. I knew that there would be tears but I lost control of them for a little while, not what I wanted because there were definate things I wanted to ask and say. I the end I think I got most of it out and she gave me reasonable responses. Thankfully both respectful of me as a greiving widdow and appropriate for me as a doctor. My dad said he had got lost in the technical jargon, but it all made complete sense to me. I didn't hear anything I didn't already know I think, I just needed to hear it from another professional involved. The bottom line was that she had seen young people like Mark before where the cancer is more agressive, almost because they are young and otherwise fit. She didn't feel that it had show it's self earlier because of where it was, he was young and compensated and it had not actually been there as long as we may have been lead to beleive because it was so rapidly growing. She said that no one expected it and that I should not feel guilty that I didn't as all the other doctors didn't either (does not help that much). She said that had the scan happened a few months earlier she believes that he may have got more chemo but it actually is unlikely to have made any significant difference to how long he lived, these sorts of aggressive tumour don't tend to respond well to chemo. All in all no one could have changed the outcome, he didn't stand a chance! It just leaves me with a horrible empty sorry sad feeling, It is a horrible disease that he couldn't even fight.

It has been quite quiet in here over the last couple of weeks, I hope everyone is getting on ok in these long dark, and cold nights and that it is the snow keeping people busy rather then anything more difficult

Pam big hugs to you, you seemed to hit the ground running after your hubby passed, maybe it is time you let yourself just grieve for a bit. I am not saying you haven't been but you seem like you have been trying to keep busy and it will pass, unfortunately i don't think it works like that, you need to allow yourself time, to think, to cry. Don't letyourself dissapear in it but grief will take as long as it takes, forever to some extent and trying to rush it I think will lead to more problems. Be kind to yourself, it is horrible, beleive me I know i'm still there and the future is scary, but swimming is good, but it is not a race.

ailsa I hope the weather clears a bit next week so you can get the long awaited window in. Bren glad to hear you have a dog walker now to give those knees a rest especially in the cold weather. I do not envy an 8 hour drive though, even with an overnight stop. judes and rosemary thankyou for all your kind words recently and I hope you are both keeping well. Gayle do you ever stop? you have been through so much with the house move and looking after your boys and you manage nights out back to back and you are upset about not doing the garden, I would just be glad for the break, relax and put your feet up for a while. Although I am getting the impression that is not your style! fiona glad it is reasonably good news for your son-in-law i hope he gets his licence back, and I hope you are doing ok too. to Patricia, lynne, and Helen I hope you are all ok and making it through this difficult time of year.

Big hugs, baileys and baking to everyone (and anyone I forgot)

Becky

Hi all, just managed a quick catch up so sending hugs and warm blankets to you all out there in the snow.  My internet connection is still dodgy (thank you BT) so will be brief and post this.  In laws needing lots of help, although today we couldn't do the hospital trip as snowed in, now father in laws brother has had a stroke and isn't expected to last long, so that's hit f-in-law hard, why does it all happen at once?  We went to see a wonderful lady on Tuesday, a medium recommended by Tony Stockwell, I will give you more details tomorrow but for now will say that it was lovely and there were things said that were very personal to all three of us and meant a lot.  So if this means that yes he is still with us, then all your loved ones are too, but although I found that comforting and good I also stood in the empty kitchen that night and thought "But he's still b****y gone!" and so much wanted a hug.  There you go though can't have everything now, and what we got was very good.  So night night for now my lovelies, hope you like the snow pictures on FB and the ledge is still covered so better come in the warm and I'll get the Baileys out and the kettle on xxxxxxxx

Hi to all my penguin friends----I havent been posting for a while between the mw site + so many f/book friends ,its hectic.I have been very down + weepy, just think its 1st xmas + 1st anniversary in Jan -- all lumped together its hit me hard + I dont want to go back on pills after weaning myself off. Sorry for the moan often wonder if I'll ever be able to hear a hymn or a carol or read a sad verse with out the tears falling. Big squashy hugs to all who are in the same situation + Pam depending which part of Wales u are going to u may be ok as there's no snow on the main roads through from the bridge to west wales -- love to everyone xx lynda

Just dropping by to leave (((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGE HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) for everyone.

Becky, I hope that you have now started to accept that you could have done nothing to help your deaqr Mark. As the consultant says, how on earth could you have done anything any differently than those who had the results in front of them? (((((hugs)))))

Rosemary, I know it is not the same, but ((((((((hugs))))))) for you too. I hope that you are now processing what was said to you by the medium and finding some comfort from it. I would be very interested to hear what was said if you feel you can share.

Ailsa, let's hope the window can soon be in place and you can finally enjoy the fruits of your labours.

I hope everyone else is amnaging to deal with the effects of these weather conditions and finding some way filling their days.

Take care dear friends.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Hello everyone,

I've not been on for a few days as things (as always) hectic here.  This is a nightmare time at work as I have 150 tax returns to do before end of January.  I aim to get them all done by end of December and did 30 this week but sick of the sight of them already :)  I have just about recovered from my busy weekend but it was great.  Having a quiet one this weekend though.  They boys are going to a panto with the after school club on Saturday night so I will get a few hours peace and will probably go to my friends to watch the X Factor.  Im also putting up my decorations but this year I am being sensible.  Last year I forced myself to buy a real tree (it was always a tradition with wully) but this year I have had an artificial one delivered.  Why put myself through more than I need to I think is the motto this year.  We are settling well into the new house and have lovely neighbours.  Plus I see my best friend most days as she didn't like driving over the country road to my old house so its good to have people drop by.  We haven't been hit bad by the snow and in fact its raining today and just about gone but very cold.  We had a 4hr power cut last night so I took the boys to my parents after about 30 mins and they stayed there as its too cold to be without heating that long.  It was -13.5 when I came home from dropping them off.  I went and got another tattoo today so now the nausea is kicking in now the adrenaline has worn off lol.  And I am back on my diet chef.  I have a date on Monday which I am very excited about and hoping to lose 1/2 stone before then lol.  Think I can manage it lol?  I then have the rememberance service at the hospice on Tuesday which I am dreading.  I hit a very big downward spiral after last years and did stupid things but hopefully a year down the line I will be better this time.

Becky I am so sorry to hear how difficult the oncologist visit was.  It brought back to me my own husbands struggle.  He was so brave and went through so much in 4 years with chemo, surgery, radiotherapy, etc.  Just so bloody unfair that someone has to go through this.  Cancer is such an evil cruel illness.  I am glad you got to know what you wanted though even with the tears.  I have had a few meetings like that where you try to be strong as you want to ask questions and get proper answers and end up breaking down and trying very hard not to so that you can stay composed long enough to deal with what you wanted if you know what I mean.  Huge hugs xxxx  Rosemary, huge hugs for you too.  What a nightmare your family are having and what a worry and stress.  When does it ever end.  I'm glad you "enjoyed" the medium though and got some comfort from it. 

Huge hugs to you all - Pam hope you made your trip safely.

Gayle xxxxx

I saw Tony Stockwell few weeks ago and was also told things that were to personal 4 anyone to know, its hard to say how I feel knowing his somewhere but his no longer with me just feel I wish I could have him with me but he said it was his time to leave although it doesn't make me feel better xx

Hello again, hope you are all safe - Pam did you make Wales?  Keep warm and dry everyone.  Thinking of all of you that are coming up to your "first Christmas" and anniversary's too, not sure the second one is much easier but I suppose I am stronger and more used to the situation now, also this year it is completely different again from last year as I now live alone. Hey ho I plan to have decorations and a tree and I will see the "kids" on Christmas day for lunch so that will be nice.  Glad you are settling in to your new place Gayle, you are right to cut down on the stress and work, an artificial tree can look just as nice and the boys will still love it. 

Patricia, thank you for your hug, I will try and share the experience with you - although you know what it's like you think you will remember everything and then it comes back to you in bits and pieces.  (Going to post this bit in case I lose the connection, will be back in a minute)

I hope you don't mind me asking but I have been wanting to go and see a medium and people say it is too soon. My darling daughter died on the 26th September of a brain tumour she was 41 and I am finding it so difficult to deal with. I won't go into all the details as it is on my profile. Cancer is such a cruel disease. Love and hugs to all out there who have lost a loved one.   Sue xx