My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Becky, you never have to say thank you hun - we all know how awful it can be and this is a place where you are  allowed to let it out, to ask questions, to tell it how it is and to KNOW that there are people that understand and will just listen - massive hugs hun. judes xxxx

A quickie before I kill the dogs (they are playing and being generally yobbish all over the lounge but if I let them in the garden the stand and look pathetic at me, I did take them out earlier but I think they are angling for their dinner

Hmm don't know what happened there, maybe Geordie willed it thinking I would leave the computer.  Anyway they aren't getting dinner until at least 16.30, but then they won't settle until after mine. So... what was I saying?  Oh yes .... quickly wanted to send hugs and yes Becky to wag a finger at you and say you never need to apologise on here, not even for NOT saying anything (although that is frowned on if you make yourself upset because you don't want to say things and upset others) you come here as the rest of us do, to share your innermost pain which the outside world isn't privy to as they don't "tet it" like we do that are going through it, I promise you that you will also come to share some good times and happy moments too.  But as the others have said you are allowed to say anything on here and let everything out, taking comfort and support when you need to. 

As my brain was thoroughly addleded only moments ago (the boys are on their beds at the moment, but I can here this little squeaky noise under their breaths, just in case I thought I could forget them) I can't remember all I wanted to say, but glad you have found the thermals Judi, I've been getting out the layers too and for me to wrap up that must mean it's cold!  Gayle glad the house is all you hoped, especially that the boys are so happy it certainly makes it easier, but I hope the cleaning gets finished soon and you can begin to relax and settle down - big hug with dusters on for you xxx  Patricia sending you a mahoosive hug cos I know you need one xxxx And hoping that Ailsa is making her way safely home after a wonderful weekend with the sisters - I've just been over to Linda's and seen your window in the flesh and ready to make it's way to you tomorrow, Linda said she will bring lots of tissues cos you'll set each other off xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx (((((((((((((()))))))))))))))) To help you through that one xxxxxxxxxxxx

Ok will go back and re-read the last two pages again (if I don't strangle Geordie first as he has now turned the volume up.  Believe me Ridgebacks have a way of "talking" to you that surpasses any other dog I have ever met!)   Hugs to you all stay warm and safe xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hello

I haven't been posting much lately, just feel overwhelmed by life.  I did take Friday as a mental health day and that was something I really needed just for me.  Need to do more of that.  I do find I am more comfortable alone at home now, it is still lonely but I am maybe getting more used to it.  I am trying very hard to take care of myself but that is the hard one isn't it?  It is easier to take care of others than ourselves. 

My dog walker has not shown up for two weeks now so I have been walking him at night which is good for me but now my knees are sore.  I am going to try a chiropractor, never been to one so a bit nervous about it.  I am also looking for another walker, if I want to go out in the evening now I need to run home and let the dog out first. 

But I am doing ok, was out for lunch with a friend from my Coping group yesterday, we had some fun shopping.  I am doing very little Christmas shopping but am doing some which is a little step from last year.  Maybe next year I can look forward to enjoying the holidays but not now.  I will go to Montreal sometime the week before Christmas and visit MIL and family and friends, stay for a week or so but I am not doing the big dinner with the family. 

I have a few events to go to and a few that I am choosing not to do, the Christmassy ones but I feel ok about that.  I am going to a dinner with other school secretaries this week, and a couple of memorials and not the staff parties.    Today I am cooking a turkey that was in my freezer for a very long time, a friend is coming for dinner so I must figure out how to make the stuffing (that was Danny's domain).  Tomorrow is my last Monday group, had been going to two different grief groups this fall and I did get something from both but I am glad to be done and relax a little now.  It will be great to be off work for two weeks during the holidays, I am wanting to go to work less and less now.  Maybe when they get my new assistant in (maybe sometime in December) I won't be so exhausted all the time. 

I am sending hugs and ice packs to all the accident prone penguins, you know who you are!  Rosemary, I know exactly what you mean about the dogs.  Mine does not want to be out in the yard and I have a large fenced yard, unless I am out with him.  He couldn't play outside by himself.  But comes in and grabs my wool or shoe and wants to be chased.  But I am so glad to have had him this past year, he is such a comfort and the cat has now decided to cuddle, I wake up with him on my pillow. (that could also be because I turn down the heat at night). 

hoping you all are having a good weekend. 

Hello penguins,

Aww Bren I'm sending you a hug as you so sound like you need one.  I hope you get a dog walker soon, yes its good to get exercise but it sounds like it is also stopping you going out in the evening at times and its healthy to keep forcing yourself out.  Becky, you have had a firm telling off from the mummy penguins :)  I will only say that yes they are right you can talk about ANYTHING here as I have often done.  Even things I was worried about offending people about.  The only thing I would say is that there is a rule that if you have a rant you then need to do lots of baking for all the other penguins and send it to us all afterwards.  Did no-one know that rule ;)  I hope you get on okay with the oncologist this week but know what you mean about probably not having any answers ((())).  Helen, hope you had a lovely meal yesterday.  Ailsa, hope you are okay today and the window is amazing and can't wait to see pictures.  Lynne, hope you had a good weekend too.  And big hugs to all the other lovely penguins.  Rosemary - get those dogs fed :)

I had a great weekend although I'm shattered today.  Too old for 2 nights in a row.  We went to concert on Saturday on train and it was brilliant, then got the train home to our local.  The train was a good laugh as everyone from the concert was on it and just a bit drunk although no-one was obnoxious so it was really fun.  Then we went to our local and as we were feeling relatively sober had quite a lot and became very drunk very fast.  Not good for my head yesterday.  But amazing night with my best mate - we always have such a laugh.  Then yesterday was spent nursing hangover on couch and then another gig last night.  It was good but I was feeling a bit green and no energy, plus it was a really wild venue with lots of beer throwing so I stood firmly to the side!  Enjoyed it all the same and finished off our night doing some shopping in the 24hr ASDA.  Very rock and roll!

Our snow is not too bad here but my work which is 1.5hrs away is really bad so looks like I will be working from home mostly this week.  I am fine about it today but will probably be climbing the walls by Wednesday!.  I was mad on Saturday as on Friday night I went to B&Q and bought bark, etc to do all my front garden but it was dark when I got home so I just dragged it out the car and left it in the garden.  Woke up on Saturday morning and of course there was no way I could do it as everywhere was covered in snow. It will have to wait until next weekend I think.  I am definitely getting old if I am moaning I can't do my garden!

Take care penguins.

Gayle xxxxx

Evening All, Hope everyone is doing ok in this cold snowy weather, we have some snow but not a lot compared to some places. Gayle glad you had a good weekend you do deserve it as you have been so busy with your new house the boys will be getting excited about xmas what is on there list from santa this year? I have not got all my shopping yet but got Charlie organised so will need to get a move on with the rest, a lot of mine are vouchers as my nieces and nephews all teenagers now and wouldn't know where to start  looking for presents for them. Kim's husband doing well he has blocked arteries but not blocked enough for surgary so just need to take medication. He can drive the car again but needs to go back on xmas eve to hospital to see if he can get his lorry licence back. Well i am going to do some knitting, take care and sending hugs. Fiona xxxxxxx 

Morning everyone.  I hope everyone is okay with all the snow this morning.  I am going to try to get to work soon but I am not so confident driving in the snow as I used to be so I want to wait until it is light.  I had a lovely weekend with my sisters.  It was incredably cold even in London.  We had a good night out on Saturday at a comedy club and went to the Christmas market in Hyde Park on Sunday.  By the time I decided to make my way home I had left it a bit late though.  Some trains had been cancelled so those that ran were very, very full.  In complete contrast to my first class journey to London I came home, standing all the way and I am still stiff from it.  The weather has delayed my window going in as quite sensibly Linda didn't make the trip in the snow.  We are going to have another try next Monday - watch this space.

Dot I hope your Dad is improving this week.  Sending you lots of ((((((hugs)))))).

Gayle I'm glad the house is going to be nice when you have cleaned it to within an inch of it's life!  The photos from your concerts look great.  I'm sure the boys will have at least one more Christmas still believing in Santa so don't worry too much about it yet.  Hope your hand is better from the oven cleaning now!

Judi your builders sound lovely especially the one with the flowers.  Mine were very attentive in the summer as some of them knew Chris but none of them brought me flowers.  Congratulations on the promotion at work.  I am glad you are enjoying your job.  I am a bit bored with mine for now.  It is the job I did 15 years ago and I had worked my way up from there.  Now I am getting a bit more about me I am struggling with it not being challenging enough.  I haven't decided what to do about it yet though.  Might have a more serious think about it in the spring.

Becky - how was the Harry Potter film?  I haven't tried to see it yet.  Never worry about the rant although I have felt guilty about sounding off on here before so I understand you worrying about it.  I try hard now to tell myself this is the one place I realy can rant if I need to.  I think you do right going back to your work because I would feel the same if I had your reasons for doing it.  Just stay really mindful of how you feel each day and be very gentle with yourself.  There is plenty of time.  I needed the routine of my work a month after Chris died but I didn't work in a hospital.  I would have found that a lot more difficult.  I think what the others have said is wonderful advice - maybe you will want to consider another field later but I also know that you are likely to want to go back to something familiar at first.  Whatever you decide take care.

Rosemary I am excited that you have seen the window.  I will wait patiently for next week when the weather might be a bit better.  This is going to be such an emotional thing but I still can't wait for it to be in place.

Bren it is lovely to hear from you.  I'm glad you are feeling a little better at home now.  I am a lot better at home on my own now than I was.  In fact - I sometimes like it when I am here on my own as I feel closer to Chris when I am here and I sometimes just need some time like that.  I try not to make it a habit but I like it when I suddenly realise I have the place to myself for a while.  Sorry to hear you have lost your dog walker as it seems to be causing you pain having to do it yourself.  Good luck finding another walker.  Hopefully your work will soon be more enjoyable when your assistant starts next month.

Patricia how are you finding getting to work?  You live fairly near me so we must have similar weather.  Might put paid to us meeting for coffee for a little while but once it clears we need to do it.

Well this is me just putting off trying to get to work so I think I had better go and make the effort.  Still might ring in a holiday and chicken out all together.  Helen, Lynne - I hope you are both okay today.  How is your finger doing Lynne?  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx

Fiona - that was great news about your son in law.  I am so glad he doesn't need surgery.  I will keep my fingers crossed for him getting his lorry licence back after the Christmas Eve appointment.  I hope you are okay as well.  Ailsa xxx

I have had a couple of good friends staying with me for the last few days, so although I have been reading all your posts I have not posted. 

These were the friends we went on holiday with and should have gone on holiday with this year if Martin had not been so ill.  It was good to see them but brought back so many memories.  It was so bitter sweet. 

They have gone now and I went round to see another good friend as I felt so low.  I sat talking to her and her husband and realised how empty I feel now.  My life will never be the same again and I am feeling so lonely. 

My friends have gone back to Bath, back to their normal lives... everthing as it was. My friends who I have just been to see are now probably sitting casually chatting... everything as it was.  And then there is me.  Sitting here, at home, remembering the past that I cannot have back and crying so much and feeling so alone. I am missing Martin so much.  One minute telling him he was so  selfish to leave me like this and the next feeling so much remorse and feeling so sorry for him.  We had a normal, happy life.  I keep 'seeing' him as he was, seeing him healthy, seeing him ill, seeing him dying and seeing me  having to close his eyes.  If someone had told me before that I could do that I would not have believed them

.  I thought I was getting on so well and now here I am slam back at the beginning again.  I don't know if I will ever get over this.

I am so sorry for pouring out how I feel, but just had to get it down.

I am now going to cuddle up on the setter with my trusty duvet and just have a good cry, then I will blank my mind with watching tele and shut out the cold, snowy world outside.

When will it ever start to get better..................................

To be honest darling Pammie - not yet, not for a while yet.  But it will, eventually. Not great leaps and bounds, but tiny baby steps, sometimes so small you don't even notice them.  But then one day you find yourself looking forward to something, and even when that realisation hits you, and you take a breath because you didn't think you would ever truly look forward to anything again, and often that is enough to bring tears, the truth is you still do look forward to it.  But it is still SUCH early days, God how I remember people telling me that, and in fact it still feels 'early days' now, more than two years on, and I used to think to myself, "no it is not early days, it is forever days".  Let yourself wallow Pammie, wrap up in that duvet and let it all out.  I now have more stong days than not, and never thought that would be the case.  But I truthfully believe that I did need all the time I took, and I would say that it is only that last few months I have felt like that, to get here.  Massive squishy hugs honey.

Ailsa, so glad that you enjoyed London, and at least you got the posh treatment on the way down!  You window will arrive when it is the right time for it to do so.  The weather is so crazy at the moment that it would be foolish to try and rush it, you have been so patient that another few days is ok. 

Bren, it is lovely to hear from you.  i have thought about a dog waker, more so the last week when the weather has been so awful there is absolutely  no chance of me getting home at lunchtime to see to my hounds.  Good luck with getting another one, and although difficult if you are having to do the evening walking, try to look after yourself, you don't need problems like that hun.

My lunchtime quandry re the dogs was sorted last week by my painter being here and taking the dogs out (I know, they spoil me) and this week so far has been sorted by the fact I feel that I have swallowed razor blades and and shivering like a good'un .... so not been into work yesterday or today!  I don't remember the last time we had so much snow ..... oh, wait a minute ..... maybe last year! lol.  I have been looking at changing my car to one that copes a bit better in winter ....... but they can't get the one I want to see here because of the weather!!!!  Doubt very much if mine will start if i can ever see it again - it is under about 15 inches of the white stuff~!  I am so glad that SD left her Ugg boots here .... although Boy tells me if he sees me wearing them I am disowned!

Have done absolutely nothing for Christmas yet and am working up to christmas eve lunch time .... Ooops.  Ah well, I still have boxes I haven't unpacked, I can take something out, put it is pretty paper and I am sure that will be fine!   Door bell just rung, will be back

Love Judes xxxx