My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Evening everyone.  I just thought I would pop on this evening as I am off to London for the weekend and won't get a chance to look in.  I hope everyone has a decent weekend.  We have only had a few snow flurries so I am quite happy as I get concerned about the roads when it is bad.

Becky - well done with the baking.  You & Patricia have given me an idea that I might bake for work one evening next week.  Might put a smile on some faces - so long as they don't get stomach ache!!!

Take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx

Evening girls

Sorry i have not been around much lately.........have lots of worries about my Dad just now.  He's been in hospital for the past couple of weeks - maybe longer as I've lost track of the days/weeks..... Anyway he had major surgery last week - 2 days before his 86th birthday!!!  He's recovering very slowly.........and his surgeon is pleased - and surprised by his fighting spirit and stubborn-ness!!!!  At least they haven't written him off completely and are doing all they can to help him recover.........

I'm coping as best I can with it all...... my poor hubby's problems seem to have side-lined for the moment.  There are things there we need to consider too - but I think that won't be until the New Year........Watch this space............

Love and comforting ((((((hugs)))))) for all that need them just now........

Dot xxxxxxxxxxxx

Evening everyone,

Big hugs Dot, what a worry for you.  You take care of yourself too xxx  Ailsa, have a fantastic time in London - I'm sure its just the tonic you need just now as you have been a bit low so it will keep you busy all weekend.  Rosemary, so sorry to hear the in laws are quite poorly.  What a worry for you too.  Wouldn't it be nice if we could all just get a break for a bit :(  Judi, where are you???  Hope you are doing okay xxx  Becky the baking sounds lovely - send me a mince pie :))  Helen, hope you have coped okay this week and had a nice meal out with Nat for her birthday.  I'm sure you have had a bit of a rollercoaster week.  Mrs North - sending you huge hugs.  It can only get better!  Hope everyone else is well, Pam, Patricia, Lynda, Dave, Fiona, Amanda, Lesley and anyone else I have forgotten - your lots forgetfullness is definitely rubbing off on me!

We are doing fine.  I'm still falling apart lol - definitely winning the calamity jane title this week.  I was cleaning the oven last night for about the 4th time (how can anyone leave such a mess!) and the stuff I was using caused a big crack in my thumb.  Stupid as I should have had gloves on but it is agony.  Bruises are healing though and I haven't dropped any more mirrors but did break the door on my washing machine.  I'm not doing very well lol.  Thinking of doing some work in the garden tomorrow but my dad is away to spain so I would have to lift the heavy bags of bark myself so I might wait - see how tired I am in the morning :)  The boys absolutely love the new house and we are settling nicely into a routine again which is just great.  Home from school and they have their wee routine, then we have dinner, bath and bed.  Back like how it used to be.  Thought I would share a funny story to let you all have a giggle as we are all a bit bah humbug at the moment.  Now that Ewan is 4.5 he is such a little boy and him and Jamie can have proper conversations.  Well yesterday Jamie was telling Ewan about a boy at his school that was singing Santa smells.  Well that started a huge very serious discussion about how that is just not allowed and how terrible that was.  You can't say anything bad about Santa!!!  Did you not know that Santa is listening and watching your every move now??  It was so funny as they were so disgusted and so serious about it and I was trying not to dissolve into laughter listening to them.  I was just thinking the other day that one year we will look forward to christmas again I hope.  This year is going to be another putting a brave face on for the boys but it makes me mad that this is the time where I should be having a ball with them as they are only little - in a few years time they will know santa isn't real and only be interested in what they are getting.  Maybe next year xxx

I've got a busy weekend planned thankfully.  My dad is away to spain so my mum is coming over tomorrow and we are going to go out for dinner with the boys.  There is a lovely restaurant just behind my house that we can walk to.  Then Saturday and Sunday night I am going to concerts with my pal.  We are both looking forward to them.  Saturday was my choice and Sunday was hers so I am more looking forward to Saturday lol.  I'll be driving as well on Sunday as back to work on Monday. 

Right I'm heading off to bed as I am shattered.  Too many late nights this week.

Take care my lovely penguins

Gayle xxxx

p.s. forgot to add Rosemary - hope your not too sore today!  I did have a little giggle at your story too - sorry xxx

morning penguins

After two days of baking we have made quite some list of things to sell at my dads church christmas fate. 1 lemon drizzle cake (I want to eat that!), 2 date and walnut loaves (one of which me and my mum and dad are actually sharing), 1 large chocolate sponge cake with butter cream filling and chocolate top, 1 dozen buns, 1 dozen chocolate buns, 1 dozen mince pies, 4 christmas puddings (1 for my parents for chistmas), 2 dozen almond biscuits and 3 dozen lemon discuits. samples have been had and they pass the test.

I actually found it quite 'theraputic' to do all that baking, it gave me something to focus on. I think I would be better with a daily routeen but going back to do my job is a different matter. I have never before wished I had an office job but i do now. The estimated date for me returning to work is early january, I still am not looking forward to it. routine good but......... I am not sure that I can work in that environment anymore. I guess it is good that I don't work in the same hospital that Mark was treated in, but I do have memories of him there, he would pop in when I was there on a 24 hour on call and bring me my dinner. The nurses would get a suprise when a man would appear on the ward in bike gear after visiting hours asking for me. Some of the nurses had actually got used to seeing him and would ask if he was comming in when i was on call. But my main worry is actually something harder to deal with, what if i see a patient with symptoms like Mark, what if I actually manage to diagnose and help them, when right under my nose I couldn't tell with Mark and I couldn't and didn't do anything to help him...  I know I wasn't looking for it with mark, and I know I wasn't his doctor, and I know the negative tests had lulled me into a false sense of security, and I did trust that he was going to the GP and if it was serious they should have recognised it and sorted it out. I wish I hadn't thought all those things but I did and I didn't see it, the most important person and i didn't know untill it was far too late.

Ok I need to step away from that subject now.

To those with bumps and bruises, lynne, rosemary and gayle I hope you are healing well and not too sore. To all the others who are struggling with family members who are unwell big hugs. and to all at this time of year who are dreading the comming month or so, keep swimming, we can get through this.

Take care all. Extra ((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))

Becky

Just wanted to send you a hug Becky.  I don't know what to say as I couldn't imagine being back in a hospital environment and having to deal with patients, illness, etc.  I don't know what to suggest for the best but could you possibly take a change in career direction?  Not go back to the hospital but work in practise or somewhere else - another field?  Sorry I don't know about these things but yes I can imagine how very hard it will be for you.  I went back to work after 4 weeks and had to.  You are perfectly right in that having a routine and not being in the house is the solution.  As long as I am busy (although I'm not as bad now) then I am okay so I had to be at work.  As for the guilt feelings (easier said than done) but please please don't blame yourself.  We all have guilt over the loss of our partners for one reason or another but it doesn't do any good and doesn't bring them back and I am sure you were perfectly right in everything about his situation.  Like you say you weren't his doctor.  Would it have made any differenc if you had noticed earlier?  I know with my husbands cancer it wouldn't have.  He should have been diagnosed 6 months before he actually was but now looking back and reading up on it and talking to experts it wouldn't have changed anything.  On a lighter note - what a load of baking!!!! My old neighbour was a fantastic baker and brought stuff in.  Can you send me your address as I can feel another move coming on :)))))))

Gayle xxxx

Becky, my heart aches for you. I can understand your fears at returning to work following Mark's illness. I also work in the hospital environment but as a  nurse. I struggled to return to work as I was afraid that I would not be able to look after my patients and deal with any possible emergencies. It took me 5 months to take the plunge and I went back on a phased return. Yes it is difficult and yes it makes me very sad at times. I look at things in a totally different way and sometimes wonder what people are moaning for (at least they do not have a life threatening illness) but then common sense prevails and I realise that whatever their problem is, they need help and support and that is what I am there for.  As for the 'what if's' you are going to have those thoughts and feelings for a long time. (I know that only too well).  You have trained for a very worthy profession and I am sure that when you feel ready you will go back and do the job to the very best of yur ability. You will probably find it very hard and you will probably have times when you break down in tears but that is because you are not superhuman. you are a thinking feeling person and therefore always at risk of being 'hurt'. Good luck Becky, look after you mental health as well as your physical health. You are a young person and have to make the best of things now. Consider yourself held in a warm and comforting embrace from a friend (me).  Let out the tears on my shoulder and cry untill you feel you can cry no more. Torturing yourself that you should have seen the signs will do you no good at all. There are so many things that can go wrong in the human body, how on earth can you expect to recognise them all.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Hi everyone

I have not been online much at all in the last few weeks, but do try to keep up with everyone.  Thanks for the texts and mentions guys.  Well we are in the depths of artic conditions up here.  Snow, snow and more snow!! 

I want to give you all a huge, warm hug ... so if you could form an orderly queue please .... Lynne and Gayle, stop pushing! ..... Becky - I take my hat off to you, not sure what to say about going back into the same environment, but you will know if it is the right thing to do when it happens.  I used to feel quite sick just driving past the hospital and would go a long way round to avoid doing it, but that has lessened over the last two years ... not gone ... but lessened definitely.

Munchkin, love the boys and Santa, and they are right you know - he is always watching .... but I think he is VERY impressed with you over the last few months, so you will be ok hun! 

Rosemary - oh Rosemary ..... where are you.  I have found my thermals you will be pleased to hear - I look like the Michelean Man, but never mind!!  I have walked to work the last couple of days - (slid right into a main road at 5 miles an hour on Wednesday so won't be driving for a while!) so am feeling positively sylph-like .... NOT.  Just makes me think I can have an extra large Bailey's before bed!!

The reason I have not been on is not so much a 'specific' but a real sense of getting used to a 'new normal'.  How often do we say those words to ourselves guys??  I am still really, really loving my house - it just feels the right place for me and the dogs to be.  I still have my workmen coming in to finish up the little jobs, and I have to be honest and say that I think they are stringing it out almost as much as I want them to ..... it is like having four elder brothers who really care about you.  What a sap I am aren't I??  They all know that I dont' have family here and are so kind and funny.  ONe even dropped in the other evening with a bunch of flowers from teh supermarket. ...... No, before you start thinking anything .... not like that at all - he is very happily married - but I had been stuck in traffic on the way home one night after work and not feeling at all good cos I was worried that the dogs would be upset etc etc and thinking about how unfair it all was that it seemed everything was now down to me to sort out.  I had left a voicemail message letting him know I wouldn't be there on time and apparently I sounded so lost that he just wanted to do something to cheer me up ..... well of course it made me cry!!!  But laugh as well as he made me promise not to tell his wife (who I know) cos he never buys her flowers.

Work is going very well - I have actaully been given a sort of secret promotion, I know that sounds very odd doesn't it!  I have been given a pay rise but they would like me to stay with the same job title for now and not say anything to the others.  Office politics huh!  It is very nice to be appreciated and I really do know that it is good for me, but it means that I am now very busy and of course want to give it my all ..... in fact a very sneaky, clever move on their part!! 

So when I get home I am often shattered but always pleased to see the hounds - so after walking them I tend to still look around for 'stuff' to do in the house and then fall in my bed .... IN fact - just call me Ailsa!.

And .... I am still having a real hard time with my laptop!!!!  love the ease of it - HATE the mouse pad thingy!  It is overly sensitive and just shuts off when it wants to .... actually - does that remind you of anyone!!! 

To all of you that are finding the idea of Christmas quite unsettling, big hugs and just do the best you can.  IT is a very emotioinal time and I have found the way I cope best is to tell everyone very firmly that that the only plan I have is to have no plans!  Boy will be home and Jenny, the girlfriend is coming up Christmas Eve.  It is the first time that I have felt any sort of good anticipation about Christmas since Ed was ill, not saying that all of my thoughts about it are good, but at least some are.  But I will still not being doing a tree - other decorations yes, but not tree.  That was for Ed and I - and I suspect always will be. 

Well, we are all hoping that we will be told to leave early because of the weather ... I am told that did happen ONCE ... in about 1976, so I shan't hold my breath. Best sign off, loads of love to you all. With a special hug to Dottee - pass on a softer version of it to you Dad hun, and give Alan a wee squeeze, cos he deserves it too.

Judi xxxxx

hello again penguins

after yesterdays outburst I feel like saying sorry for off loading, I realise I may get told off for that but it is an issue no one can help me with and time will tell. I know I have to try because I will be letting Mark down if I don't, he stood by me throughout the whole of my training and he would be really upset if I gave it up now, so I will try.

judi i am glad to hear you are enjoying your new home. Gayle I am glad that your new house is allowing you and your boys the chance to have a better family life. and to everyone else big hugs.

well i'm off to see Harry Potter with my sister tonight, we'll see how I handle the cinema. But hoping it will be a good night.

next week I go to see Marks oncologist to see if I can ask some difficult questions and maybe find some answers about how things when so wrong so fast. I have I feeling she won't be able to tell me anything I don't already esentially know but we will see. (sounds worse than its ment).

again Hugs to all, take care in the ice and snow, baileys only for after you have decided not to leave the house again.

Becky

just a quick note to say thankyou to gayle, patricia and judi for your supportive comments following my wobble yesterday.

Big Hugs

Becky