My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Hi all you lovely penguins, I hope you have had as good a weekend as you can.

I have been thinking things over the last few days, I was in a really low place middle of the week.  I put it down to doing too much for too long.   I had been out and about from the Friday to the Tuesday and I think I had tired myself out, and when you are tired everything seems so much worse.  But I think I have been trying too hard to get back to some sort of normal.  I do not like the feelings I am going through and the dark moments and days that overwelm me, and I have been trying to get back to a better place.  But I sat down the other day and thought to myself that I had been married for 44 years and I cannot get my life back on track overnight.  I need time to grieve, time to sit and think of Martin.  And when I wake up in the morning feeling so sad or start crying in the afternoon because I miss him so much, I am going to go with it. I am going to realise that this is something I must do and I cannot 'paper over the cracks' and pretend everything is OK and I am fine.  Don't know if you are keeping up with this.  I always feel sad, but by letting myself and my feelings just go with it I am finding it a bit better.  I am continually sad, but am dealing with it by just letting go..  Hope I have made myself clear, but probably not.

Now Christmas is another thing......... I went shopping with my daughter and son-in-law today and actually looked at Christmas stuff and it nearly felt OK.  I kept listening to the voice in my head telling me that Martin would be saying 'just get on with it girl, you can do it'.  And I think I can.  I am not saying I will not miss Martin with every part of me, or that I will not shed tears. but I will do what I can for the grandchildren.  And you never know, in doing that I might just get through it all without too many scars.

Went to see Harry Potter last night with daughter and family and actually enjoyed it.  It nearly felt normal, apart from the fact that Martin was not there.  But as we left the cinema I was so sad, because Martin would have been walking behind me with his hand on my shoulder making sure I did not get trampled in the rush. Oh I miss him so much.  But  I am beginning to see that this is normal and I have to let my feelings flow

Well I think I have rambled on enough for fthis evening, so I will now say goodnight to all you great guys and will cuddle up with my duvet and watch TV.

Lots of love and ((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))

Pam

ps.  I have good friends coming to see me on Thursday for a few days, so I am looking forward to that.  We should have been going on holiday this year with them to Cuba, but Martin was far too ill and we had to bin that idea.  So it will be so good to see them.

Keep swimming xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Becky you are certainly no drama queen!!! You have had such a tough week that you have got through great, like Rosemary said we must all be drama queens if that is the case lol!!

When Paul knew he was dying (sorry penguins lots of you have heard this but telling Becky lol!!) he insisted I listen to him when he said he wanted me to meet someone else as I was only young (43 now lol!!) no way would I listen!!! How on earth could I ever be with anyone else, want to be, NO!! It was all so unimaginable! But I did meet a lovely man a few months ago, early days and lots of analysing, questioning etc but he makes me happy. I suddenly feel so much more settled in myself, I dont see him more than a couple of times a week but I am beginning to enjoy life again and thank Paul so much for making me listen (and my children and his parents he also spoke to) Sorry for the essay but you too are young and although it is soooo hard to imagine now one day that next happiness may be there for you.

A friend said to me you have been lucky enough to have had the love of your life but also gone through the worst experience of your life. You may now have the chance to find that love and happiness twice, some people never manage it once!! Made me think!!

Ailsa so sorry to hear you re down and Pammy, I lknow I learn that after a time of keeping busy I had to give in to it I felt like a good cry instead of keep running away from it. Big hugs to you xxxxx

Rosemary hope you re feeling better soon and Gayle are you all settled yet?? xx

Well Monday morning again!! Best get ready for work.

Keep swimming penguins!!! Love to you all

Helen xxxx

Evening Penguins,  How's is everyone doing just caught up with all the posts. I wonder where the time is going the weeks are just flying past. Well thats Charlie one now we had a great day on Saturday and he got a lot of lovely presents and xmas just round the corner don't know where Kim is going to put all the toys. We had our moments on Sat Kim just wished her dad was here to see Charlie growing up so we both had a few tears. It will soon be the 2nd anniversary so xmas a very hard time for me.   Rosemary no magic wands yet but i am still looking. Lynne how's your finger  hope it's healing now, also how's your dad doing? Been cold here today but at least dry for a change. Kim's husband going to hospital on Wed for more tests so hope he gets on ok as another worry for us just now. Well i am going to do some knitting, speak soon and sending you all big hugs. Fiona xxxxx

Hello everyone,

Well I'm back thankfully (although briefly).  I have missed you all loads.  We are all moved in but my broadband isn't up and running yet so just been following you all on my phone when I could but I'm in my hotel tonight so getting my internet fix.  Hopefully it will be sorted tomorrow.  I am shattered.  Its been a long week as typical of me I wanted everything done right away so up early and on my feet till 1am every day but everything is unpacked.  I like the house although won't lie and feeling a bit blue.  Just think its all the change and stress I have had recently and of course being tired isn't helping.  The house is nice (although very small which is bugging me) and the boys love it.  There are quite a few cosmetic things wrong but I will just take my time and sort them.  Will need to replace carpets and paint but will probably leave that to January.  I don't think there is one part of me not bruised or cut and I managed to drop a large mirror on my head so that has an egg on it too lol.  Billie seems to be taking okay to Billy too although it is all very confusing when either me or the neighbour shout Billy :)

Sending you all hugs as I think a lot of us are feeling a bit down.  I think this time of year is not helping us - I can see Xmas far enough although I am trying to do most of my shopping tonight seeing as I am now in the new house.  Special hugs to Judy and Fiona coming up to your anniversaries and thinking of you both. 

Take care penguins

Gayle xxx

Gayle, I wish you well to enjoy your new home. Try not to knock yoursef out with any more mirrors.

Fiona, belated happy birthday to Chalie. Good luck to your son in law for Wednesday. Hugs to you for the upcoming 2nd anniversary x x

Lynda, I know you are struggling at the moment. It is a difficult time for you and you have had so much going on just lately. Be kind to yourself and let yourself grieve. (but you are not allowed to wallow)((((hugs))))

I hope that everyone else is managing to cope at the moment.

My dad is going for a CT scan of his stomach tomorrow so fingers crossed that everything will be ok. He is looking quite well and yesterday he apparently could not get enough to eat. By that I mean he just kept looking for more and more to eat and still felt hungry. If he keeps that up we will be rolling him down the street lol (he is very slim at the moment so it would take a fair while for that to happen).

Anyway, take care dear friends. Have the best day you can tomorrow.

Love and angelhugs x x x Patricia x x x

Hi,

Just a quick post as I now have broadband woohoo!

Anyway, just wanted to say I hope your dad got on okay Patricia xxxx

Evening everyone

Gayle so glad you are finally moved in and I m sure you will make it feel more like home over the weeks/months. Glad you ve got broad band too!!

Patricia hope your Dad is ok too xx

More anniversaries coming up here!! It was a year yesterday since we buried Paul`s ashes and tomorrow is Nat`s 17th birthday then Paul would have been 44 on Thursday. It was always a joint celebration the 2 birthdays and we would all go for a meal, of course Liam isnt here either this year so Nat said Mum its just you and me!! Pauls mum has made her a fantastic birthday cake and we have decided to take Nat s  boyfriend out for a meal with us tomorrow night and we re all going for Sunday lunch with Pauls mum and dad on Sunday. On Pauls birthday it is also Nat s presentation night for school to receive all her G.C.S.E  certificates and awards. What a coincidence to fall on his birhtday, not sure if that will make it easier or harder but either way I am so wishing he could be there to see her. He didnt make Liam s as he wasnt well enough and now he s not here for this one. Oh well....just keep swimming with a few tears tonight!!!

Hugs to everyone

Helen xxxxx

Evening everyone.  It's a bit late but I have missed everyone so much I really need to post before bedtime.  Becky if you are a drama queen there is a room full posting on this thread.  Don't feel like that at all.  It sounds to me like you had your own way of coping with such a difficult time and that is good.  Even after this long I still find myself feeling like it is all a mistake and Chris will walk in from work one evening as if nothing happened.

Rosemary you didn't come back on!  I was hoping for fairy dust.  I hope you are okay.  How is your father in law doing?

Pam I think you are doing the right thing and just going with your feelings instead of fighting them for a bit.  I can remember that in the early months, especially the first 6 months, time seemed to go very slowly for the first time in my life.  I realised it was because I was wishing myself further down the road in this grief thing so that I would not feel so awful as I did just then.  I try to just go with it now although it has been dragging me down a bit in the past week or so.  I'm glad you enjoyed Harry Potter.  I am going to wait for it to come out on DVD and watch it on my own at home.  I'm looking forward to it.  Like you I am going to try really hard to enjoy Christmas as well.

I have been busy Christmas shopping this past week and making other plans for Christmas.  I'm quite pleased with the way it is going so far.  I am going to becky's for dinner.  There should be 8 of us there all together.  Becky is so looking forward to having us all there.  I had a bit of a wobble yesterday and got concerned that I might not feel close to Chris if we don't have Christmas dinner at mine but this evening I am feeling better about it again.

Gayle I am glad to hear you are in the house and getting it sorted out.  Can't believe you dropped a mirror on your head though - take care.  Good luck with the Christmas shopping.

Helen you have so many dates and occassions and dates this week.  I hope Nat has a lovely birthday tomorrow.  It is nice that you have something to look forward to on Paul's birthday on Thursday.  Take care both of you - I will be thinking about you.

Fiona it sounds like Charlie had a lovely first birthday.  I hope everything is okay with your son in law.

Patricia I hope your dad got on okay with his ct scan.  It must be a good sign that his appetite is so good.  Are you feeling any better yourself now?

Well I can't believe it is that time already.  I have work tomorrow so I need to get off.  Linda I hope your hand is getting better and that you are okay.  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx

Hello everyone and thanks for your good wishes. Dad went for his CT scan and seems in very good spirits. Just have a 10 day or so wait now for the results (fingers crossed that things are ok).

Yamyz, you have indeed had a difficult time of it and still are by the sounds of things. I hope you are getting a litle help in caring for your wife. Take care of yourself too. As you know it is a long, winding roller coaster of a ride.

Helen, I hope Nat has a good birthday Wenesday. It seems somehow appropriate that the presentation ceremony is on her dad's birthday (I think it makes it extra special). Extra special hugs for you to help you through the next few special dates (((((((hugs)))))))))

Gayle, no more accidents I hope.

Ailsa, how lovely that you are going to Becky's for Christmas. I hope you enjoy it.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((GROUP HUG)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) for all penguins who are struggling right now and it would appear to be quite a few. My arms(flipppers) are just not long enough to enfold you all so you best bunch up together against the wall on Rosemary's ledge. By the way Rosemary, you are very quiet. I hope things are not too difficult for you right now. (how is father in law?).

As you can see by the lateness of the hour, I am still having trouble sleeping. I just do not know what the answer is. Last night I mixed more Christmas cakes and did some knitting.  Still not better Ailsa but getting there. Looking forward tomeeting for that coffee.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Morning all

 (((hugs ))) 

Gayle so glad your in your house now but please be careful and no more accidents you'll be taking my calamity Jane role over but come to think of it , it will take some catching up , my finger has still not healed and i'm getting fed up with it . The stitches didn't hold and i probably should have gone back but you know me !!! . Helen , hope all the anniversaries go ok and a very happy birthday to Nat xx Fiona and Patricia , hugs for your dads , my dad gets his biopsy results today so not looking forward to that . Anyway just a short one . I think we all feeling the blues at the moment oh well keep swimming even if it is in ice xx

Take care all Lynne xxx