My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Hi All , glad you enjoyed the x factor Helen , no doubt the ciders went down well too lol . I am feeling different again today , i dont know how anyone can so sink so low so quick , i haven't been like that since they'd actually told me that Gordon had got hours to live (he lasted 6 days ) i cried buckets and buckets that day they even wanted to take me to casualty to calm me down but i wouldn't leave my love . Well thats how i felt yesterday , i think like everybody says , we've all focussed on xmas day and forgotten that life goes on after that , i had been thinking about the 6 month , new year and birthday aswell , now i'm going back to the begining and just thinking about the next hour and am trying not to focus to much on the other things , i can and i will. Enjoy your couple of days away , i'm sure it will do you the world of good  xxxx

Lesley a big hug to you hun , your still at very early days so my wobble yesterday must make you think that things dont get any easier , they do but its so easy to slip back , but thanks to the support of our penguins we'll all get there xxxx

Ailsa i hope you try and relax a little now , you always seem so busy , but in saying that i've been like a wirlwind today sorting cupboards and drawers out m just trying to keep busy too xxx

Gayle a big hug to you too , hope your feeling better soon . xxxx

Take care my fellow penguins and thank you again for keeping me sane (well almost )

Lynnexxxxx

Love and angel hugs to you all. I hope that you all manage to get through the next few days especially New Year's eve and New Year's day.

Keep yoursselves in the penguin huddle and keep warm and safe.

Love and hugs x x xPatricia x x x

Evening everyone,

Had a rubbish today lol as think I gave myself food poisoning!  I hate cooking and known for being a bad cook but I thought even I couldn't make a mistake with a ready meal.  I cooked it for 6 mins and never read the rest which said stir then cook for another 5 mins lol.  So I ate uncooked chicken and have been up all night.  Lucky my mum and dad stay nearby now and I phoned my dad at 8.30 to get him to come and get the boys.  Then lay in my bed most of the day.  Seems to have settled a bit now but just feel weak.  My dad brought me two big bottles of lucozade so think they have helped too. 

My car is also stuck in the snow at my house so I am mad as I can't get out.  I abandoned it about 100yds from the front door after kicking it a few times :-)  and I am supposed to be going to get pampered in Glasgow at a beautician tomorrow so it better thaw out a bit tonight.

Hope all you ladies are okay and glad you are feeling a bit better Lynne.  Who knows where these wobbles come from but you did well as you had a difficult task with Gordons' clothes.

Helen, glad you enjoyed the xfactor, bug higs to Fiona, Ailsa, Jacqui, Bren, Manda, Esme, Patricia, Sue, Quill, Lesley, Dottee and everyone else as my memory is rubbish today with feeling so rubbish.

Will we start working on our meet?  When suits everyone and then we can narrow it down and get a hotel booked.  I think we had all decided on Newcastle.  If you want to message me on FB then we can sort out the booking and I can give you all my email address rather than posting the exact particulars on here.  In February my dates are the 20th and 27th and in March anytime from the 13th as its Ewans birthday on the 8th so will probably do something that weekend.

Gayle xxx

Patricia are you ok?  Sending you some angel hugs too and snuggling you into the huddle a bit more. xx

Good to catch up with all your news everyone.  Now I know we are going into the hard part of the winter and the weather is miserable but we have passed the shortest day so the light is returning and if you look in the garden (or wherever) you will fine the bulbs are coming up and spring is on it's way.  It feels wrong that we are moving on with the changing seasons and leaving 2009 and all that happened behind, but "we can do it", we owe it to our loved ones that have passed, our loved ones that are still with us and we owe it to ourselves.  (Ok pep talk over, I will go and drink more cider now)

Ailsa I was thinking of setting our sky candles off on New Years Eve, but not sure if I might wait until 8th January when it will be a year that we lost Steve - or do you think that might be too emotional?  Maybe too much for Samantha and Daniel too.  Maybe New Years Day would be better, fresh start and a new year.

Gayle what are you like with the cooking?  Hope your poor tum is feeling better, I would advise not fizzy drinks though try and get rid of the fizz and it will settle your insides better.  Hope you get to your pampering, you certainly deserve it.  Wish you were all closer, my Samantha is a trained beauty therapist and a brilliant massage therapist too (although can't get a job as such because she hasn't been able to get any experience!), she would do everyone a lot of good if she could get her hands on you!

Had another traumatic day courtesy of poor Daniel.  Did I tell you he had gone out and bought himself a 3 year old entire American Bull Dog (Rocky) before we went away?  I was not happy as he hadn't looked into it at all, not the breed or the dog himself, he didn't know anything about it really.  It seemed ok and didn't seem concerned about our boys at all, but I reserved judgement on it.  Today he came over with him and whilst we were making lunch Samantha came in holding Dave (the cat, not you Dave), Rocky went for him, lunging and Samantha, Dave tried to get away but got stuck to her sweatshirt, went mad and managed to escape - leaving a lump of fur behind where Rocky got him.  Daniel hung onto Rocky (I was really scared he was going to get bitten) Kofi and Geordie were going mad, Sam was crying with fright and also her bracelet had just broken everywhere - Rockys teeth had caught it, luckily not her wrist though!  We go Rocky out and put him in the dog crate we luckily had handy and his friend came and took him away and back to the farm he came from.  Bathed three nasty scrapes on Daniels head, picked up Sam's bracelet and checked Dave over, he has a skinned patch on his tail that looks a bit sore.  We were all quite shocked and shaken, poor Daniel was distraught that he had brought the dog into the family, then we got a call from his friend to say that the people had taken Rocky from her and shot him!  Daniel was so upset, he blamed himself for everything, thinks it's his fault but I told him it isn't and that although not nice Rocky had to be put down and he wouldn't have known anything about it.  Horrible though.  It then turns out that he had done something similar before and gone for a terrier and done damage, he had been used for badger baiting so the poor dog never stood a chance at a normal life, poor thing.  I have no words to describe what I think of the "people" that are to blame for it all, I just wish I could shoot them and then no other poor animals would suffer and they wouldn't hurt nice people like my Daniel and his friend.  So we come through another trauma and Dan, bless him, has learnt another lesson - I will help him find a dog, but not sure when he will be ready now.

Tomorrow is another day, lets hope it's quiet and boring, I've got too much housework to do for any more drama!  Love and hugs to you all hope you are all having quite evenings xxxxxxx

Hello Everyone

Have been AWOL for a few days... Spent Xmas night at my SIL's, Boxing night at my Mum's - no chance of getting on the computer! Got through it though, we had our up's and down's but of course we expected that... Weather at 7pm was awful, raining hard, so we couldn't do our sky candles.

Got home last night and was looking forward to a bit of space and control of the TV! It's really hit me hard today though, and Hayley too, we are both in the pit again. Haven't slept well for days which I'm sure hasn't helped, but think that we are getting upset as it would have been Miles' 41 birthday tomorrow - and I think that it is going to be a really hard day for us to get through... Will try again for the candles weather permitting.

Have read and caught up on all your posts, but already can't remember what everyone has been up to... Gayle, hope you are soon on the mend, and Esme, what a shame for you all - especially Daniel - and the poor dog. As you said though, the poor thing never stood a chance with a normal family life did it? Everyone else, Sue, Judi, Helen, Dave, Patricia... it sounds like we have all had similar 'down days'... time to huddle...

I'd just like to say a big thanks to Lesley, Lynne and Ailsa - if it was for your lovely ladies texting me I would not have heard from anyone except my SIL's family on Xmas day. I can't tell you how much it meant to me... I have a large family and (I thought) a good group of close friends, but not one of them so much as text to say they were thinking of us, or more importantly, thinking of Hayley. What's that phrase about 'random acts of kindness from strangers'?

Hope you are all getting through as best as you can... Sorry if I have forgotten to mention anyone.

Manda xx

Oh Esme you've got all that going on amd you still fine time to text me , i hope tommorow is a bit quieter for you , and hope your son is ok now , he cant blame himself , but i know it must be hard for him xx Amanda no problem , i dont think i got any from my "friends " but i heard from my real friends on here , well we know who we can rely on now dont we ? . Gayle any time for me for the meet ,the sooner the better , it will give us something to look forward to xx I hope evrybody is having a good-ish evening xx

Take care Lynnexxxx

Hi everyone.  I am finally on my own at home.  I can sense that a few of us are feeling a bit like me - I am glad I am on my own this evening as I am feeling very sorry for myself.  I don't want to be like this as it is not good for anyone but I can't seem to stop crying tonight.  Probably just means it needs to come out so I am best off on my own.  I have to go back to work tomorrow for 2 days so I am shooting off to bed soon.  Just wanted to thank everyone for helping me get through Christmas.  Like the rest of you I am apprehensive about New Year now.  It does feel a little like I will be leaving Chris behind in 2009.  I am sure there is a positive way to deal with that feeling somewhere so maybe tomorrow when I have slept I will be able to figure it out.

I have parents & sisters family coming for New Year and also 2 neighbours.  I feel like it is a bit much really but they are only trying to be there for me.  I was asked what I was doing and when I said I wasn't sure other than I knew I wanted to be at home they all decided they should come to me.  I am glad they care but it means I have lots of prep to do.  I wish now that I was going to someone else house as then I could just go home when I was ready - this way I have to entertain everyone until they decide to go.

Rosemary I am planning on setting off another candle on New Years Eve and I am also going to let one off on Chris's birthday on the 6th January.  I am so sorry to read about the trauma with the dog.  I'm just glad that you, your children and your dogs are all okay.  It was such a shame that the other dog never stood a chance.

Dave I am so glad your mum was able to help out over Christmas and let you take a bit of time off to see the football.

Helen - enjoy Portsmouth and your few days away.  I think I need a few days away, letting someone else look after me for a bit.

Gayle I am still able to make any of the weekends you are suggesting.  I will email you some contact details for me on facebook.  I feel like I need the prospect of us meeting up to cheer me up so tell me if there is anything I can do to help get it booked and arranged.

Manda I am glad you were able to spread yourselve around a few relative over Christmas.  Thank you for replying to my texts.  I loved getting messages form a few of you, it really lifted my spirits.

Take care everyone.  I will check again before I finally turn in.  Ailsa xxx

Lynne - I meant to say I am glad you are rallying a bit.  How hard has the past week or so been??  Ailsa xxx

Thanks Ailsa i think we've all had a hard week , speak soon hun , i'm back at work tommorow too for 3 days , but i will be glad to have something to do , i'm causing to much mayhem in the house , i dragged 2 big cupboads downstairs today , then decided i only needed 1 of them but couldn't get it back up again , oh well thats another extra cupboard downstairs that i dont need . lol .xx

Night night all

 Take care

 Lynne xxx