My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Enjoy them love!!  After all your recent hard work you deserve them!!!!!!  And probably a few more too!!! xxx

Thanks Dot - and thanks for the extra can for when the bottles run out Sue xx

Just don't fall into the paint pot!!!  Night all  Love and ((((hugs)))) Dot xxxxxxx

Morning all , Ailsa cider from a bottle ? you ? never ? dont be doing that when you've got your cocktail gown on , lol hope you enjoyed it .. Helen have a good day today , i hope its everything you want it to be xx Hope everybody else has got good plans for the weekend , Gayle will have so much to catch up on when shes better and back on line .. Fiona , i really hope your starting to feel a little better now , i really dont think you had any choice with your decision , please dont torture yourself any more . Sue i hope your week at school wasn't to stressfull , are you comeing up to your 6 month mark too ? i feel sure it cant be long , hope your ok Sue xx.

Well my night out was ok , once again a few pics on F/B , i wasn't out late , one of the girls was going home has she had a migraine so i got a lift with her , i'm looking after Maddie at 9 and going shopping with daughter after so i didn't want to be feeling ill today lol . Its still strange "going to the bar " and taking money out with me , i was like the queen and never carried money , it drives me mad now that i have to be responsible lol .

Hi Dottee , Judi , Esme , Patricia (hope you've caught up on your sleep now ) Sorry if i've forgooten anyone , i'll remember as soon as i've posted . Have a good day , Helen i wnt to see some pics of your day out please .lol ..

Take care

Lynne xxxx

Morning everyone.  Had a look at your pics Lynne - they look great.  I'm glad you had fun.  I got the painting done that I needed to do last night but it took me till midnight!  Only one more wall to do.  My son is round on Monday to put up curtain poles etc and the joiner is coming on Monday to put the new mantle piece on.  I have been trying to save and update a fire surround that Chris built years ago.  It really was past it's sell-by date but Stu in particular wouldn't let me get rid of it because his Dad did it.  I think I have managed to do it - it will look nice when the new wood goes on on Monday.  I think Chris would approve.  My mum & dad are putting some glittery wall paper on one wall next weekend while I am away in (oh-laalaa) Paris and then I will just need to get the carpet cleaned and it will be done.

Still no sign of my bench but the headstone and curb are due on next weekend.  Hope the weather is okay so it happens and then I can go to see it as soon as I get home.

Right - need to get off for the wallpaper.  Have a nice day everyone.  Ailsa xx

Ailsa, you sure touched a nerve then when you said it about trying to save something that Chris had made. I actually cried because I feel the same way about anything that Ray had a hand in. He was not a handy man so anything he ever did was extra special. Oh dear, waterfall time again.

I am sure that whatever you do your dear Chris would approve of. We have to get on and do stuff as and when it is needed. It is so easy to preserve things as they were because we don;t want to change anything that was here when they were. In reality though if we don't do these things then the whole place will fall into disrepair and theat would not be pleasing to us or to their memory.  What I am doing here you understand, is giving myself a pep talk but if it strikes a chord with anyone else then so be it.

Anyway, I hope you are all going to have a good weekend. My memory is playing me up so I will just send general good wishes to you all.

Love and angel hugs x x Patricia x x

p.s. I am having great difficulty accessing the site and even more difficulty posting.  So if rhis had made the grade.   Whoopeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Quick one!!

I`m off out in ten mins, feel quite nervous now. Daft eh? Used to doing these sort of days with Paul xxx Got to give myself a big push then I`m sure I`ll be fine. Know what you mean Lynne about having the money and having to go to the bar,have to do that today!!

Have a good Saturday everyone

Helen xxx

Hello to everyone

You all sound like you have a busy weekend in front of you. I have not posted for a few days but have been on answering messages I have recieved. I always mean to write a short reply but end up going on and on! By the time I have answered the messages it is too late to post!

I am glad to say I have felt much calmer this week, I still feel very sad and miss Colin like mad but the panicky, frightened feeling seems to have gone, I hope it does not return. Maybe it is because I have been sleeping and eating better.

I had my first counselling session last week but I don't think it will be for me, the girl was very nice but did not speak..... at all, just smiled and nodded! I will have one more try but if it is no better I will leave it. Seem to get comfort from here and talking to my friends.

I called into work too and am aiming to return full time in the new year. can't believe it is only 6 weeks since Colin died, sometimes it seems ages ago and others like it was yesterday.

I read someone's post about trying to hold onto something her husband had made, it struck a chord with me. I have had two of my bedrooms redecorated, we had talked about this before he died. You know, if we had the money.....

Well now I have so I got the work done. I couldn't believe how precious I became about an old set of shelves he had made and put up. When my mum threw them in the garden to go to the tip, I cried. She said I surely did not want to put them up in my new room and didn't but  I felt so sad :-(

I feel OK now though, the room looks great and it is filled with reminders of my love for him, 2 lovely collages of photos of our family and happy memories, some metal wall art of dragonflies.... we saw loads of beautiful ones in the USA, while he was fishing on holiday there. The photos give me great comfort I love seeing his lovely face smiling down on me.

I must say though I have had 2 strange experiences, I wonder if anyone else has experienced this. I don't dream about him and have not had any messages or anything like that! However twice I have experienced deja vu. Both times it has been when I have been talking to someone about whatever and I have had the strongest feeling that I have already had the conversation with Colin. The second time was when I was describing something I had just bought to my mum, so I could not possibly have had the conversation with Colin it seemed so real. Bizarre!!

Oh dear, see how I can go on when I get started! Anyway I hope you are all doing OK, please message me if you need someone to listen or want to chat.

Lesley x

Hi everyone.  I hope everyone is okay this evening.  I think there will be more fireworks tonight - our Round Table one is tonight but I have decided not to go - I am worn out from the decorating so its the burgers and mulled wine at mine tonight - sorry you didn't get your invite Patricia!!  You are so right about getting on an maintaining things in and around the house.  I find it hard - I worry that Chris won't recognise the sitting room now or would he approve of what I have done?  But he was very good at DIY and loved to have a project so realistically he would be fine with it, maybe even impressed!

Hi Lesley - don't worry about long posts - we have had a conversation about long posts this week already because Judi became conscious of it as well (& me).  It seems we all enjoy reading what everyones got to say and what they have been up to.  Some of those who have tried counselling have had a similar experience to you and feel coming on here might be more help so the long posts full of news and feelings are good.  Sometimes they make us giggle, sometimes they make us cry but they definately make us feel less lonely and scared.  I am glad to hear you feel more calm.  I used to feel very scared but I have calmed down a bit as well.  Good luck with returning to full time work in the New Year.  Take it steady and don't expect too much.  I am still amazed how tired I can get, especially at the start of the week weirdly.  The deja vue thing is odd like you say.  I wonder about 'signs'.  I have found a couple of white feathers which is suppose to be one.  I don't dream about Chris either.  Sometimes that bothers me.

Your bedrooms sound like they turned out nice.  I love to have photograghs around the house, we have loads including a collage one that Chris put together.  Next summer I am going the whole hog and making over the workshop in the garage.  I discussed it with Chris.  I have to fit a downstairs bathroom and then the workshop, which I dont really need, is to become a bit of a 'taproom' where the smokers in the family can go.  The kids and I have been setting aside things to go on the wall in Chris's memory so it looks set to become a bit of a shrine if I am not careful.  We'll see.

Helen - I am willing you to be having a fantastic time this afternoon.  Looking forward to hearing all about it tomorrow.  Hope you have x-factor recording.

Ailsa xx

Evening all , well after hitting the shops most of the day , my poor feet know about it . I'm the same as you Ailsa really hoping Helen has a fantastic time , poor thing cant believe how nervous she was , bless hopefully a few pints of cider will see her ok . You've been so busy Ailsa its a wonder you have time to log on , glad you've heard about head stone , i was really wanting mine down before christmas but when i phoned the other day they said they we're stii waiting for the stone to come in , and then obviously its got to be engraved , so i'm starting to panic a bit now and like you say the weather can slow things up , just keeping my fingers crossed . Hope your bench isn't to much longer but its so cold at the moment i dont think you'll get much advantage , roll on next spring .. Lesley dont worry about thelong posts we love it , your still at such early days , i remember them so well , this forum was the only thing that kept me going , once you get "to know " everyone you'll be fine , keep posting hun xx

Hope everybody has a good evening , my daughter is "dragging me kicking and screaming " to her local , 2 nights on the run !!! i will suffer tommorow , but i wasn't late last night , i am recording x factor and stricly so will catch up with them tommorow .

Take care everyone

Lynne xxxxxxxxxx