My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Yes there are loads of things that I should really have chucked out but didn't.  I even have the pants he last wore which were all cut up because he had a catheter in!  Will probably chuck them in a couple of years and think why did I keep that!  Wully also used to use fentanyl lozenges and it was always a joke about it (and lots of fights too) because he used about 15 a day (more than anyone our doctor had ever seen and far too many).  Anyway, he used to hide them from me as we were supposed to be cutting them down (he used them as a comfort more often than for pain) and I kept them locked away from him but he still managed to hunt them down and would hide them everywhere.  Anyway you used to find the finished stick in all his pockets etc so I have a couple of them even.  I also found quite a poignant list which I had seen before but forgotten about.  He wrote A to Z on a bit of paper then put words beside each letter which meant something.  I have loads of these things with his handwriting on.  I think I have about 8 boxes full of these kinds of stuff so luckily I have a garage at the new house to stack them up in.  I still have some stuff in the house (like his dressing gown hanging on the bathroom door) but put all the old things like books, certificates, old photos etc in the boxes in the garage.

His sister is just off the phone.  We were never close and she was rubbish with Wully at the end (just couldn't deal with it) but she is very keen for us to keep in touch which I will do for the boys more than anything.  Well she has asked me for a small amount of ashes to put in her garden which I thought was nice so I am going to go and see if I can get a rose or something to give her too (make it her christmas present).

Hope your meeting is still not going on !

Gayle x

Oh ladies, I so know that feeling of being a 'half of one whole'.  we we so 'together' that we could finish each other's sentences. I too, have had one chance of being woth the love of my life and never, ever will anyone take his place.

Somehow I have climbed back on that emotinal roller coaster. I thought I was walking away from it but I appear to have been dragged back in. The feeling of misery and despair is overwhelming. I just feel as though my life has ended and no longer has any meaning. I am of course aware that this is not true and I have so much to be thankful for. I have an amazing family and good friends.  You are all so supportive too but somehow none of that matters right now.  I am just feeling sorry for myself I guess. Oh well, I will just have to try to pull myself together and get on with life.  It is just so, so hard. We are all in the same position and all seem to be up and down but I just feelas though my life is spiralling out of control and can't do a thing about it.  So sorry for this my dear friends, but I just had to write it down.

I have to sort myself out coz I am working tonight and will have to give support toi others. I hope I can do that.

Have the best day you can.

Good luck with the packing Gayle.  Hope the meeting went well Judi.

Love and angel hugs x x Patricia x x

Hi Patricia

I am so so sorry that you are having one of those awful periods.  I know exactly what you mean about feeling that there is no point in anything and everything is irrelevant now.  I have no idea why these times can come crashing down on you, I don't find that there has to be something specific that triggers them off, they just start and can go on for days/weeks.  I feel that I have come out of one at the moment and send you loads of love for you to get through this.  You know we are here, and you should post as often as you feel - cos I know it helps me. And don't you even think for one minute that it is feeling sorry for yourself - it is nothing like that. 

The 'meeting' finished so then it was my turn to do some work.  I am a reader/assistant to a Professor of Design who is visually impaired so this afternoon I have spent three hours reading out the most boring PhD thesis ever.  I am not stupid, but my god some of the words these academics use flummox me and I sometimes end up having to sound them out like a 5 year old and then my (very good-natured) boss pronounces them for me and then tells me the meaning ........ usually a very simple word would have done in its place!!!  Have driven him home now so my single brain cell is just cooling down. 

Gayle - 'respect' to you for being so understanding to Wully's sister.  I know that we sometimes have to look at the bigger picture when it comes to things like this, but I still find it very frustrating when things like that happen.  I have one or two friends who mostly avoided me/us when Ed was ill, but now will occassionally phone and and if I am feeling low say "Oh I just wish I could be there to help you through this".  I have this horrible little voice in me saying - Oh yeah well actually we managed without you then, so I can now.  Not very nice I know, but there you go.  So good on you Gayle for being so kind.  P.S I have the old comfy T shirt that Ed had on in hospital - it will never be put away.

Judi xx

Firstly congratulations on our 2000 posts!!!!!!

Judi we wouldn`t tell you to shut up, love reading everyone`s posts! Laughed at how thinking about the exercise bike made you tired lol!!!

 Patricia you describe exactly how I felt last week xx I`m more up this week, can`t believe this rollercoaster at times!!

Hi to Kev, best wishes to you both xx

Gayle you are doing so well, I haven`t even started to sort any of Paul`s stuff yet. I know he would be telling me to but just can`t face it, when my mum died we had to empty her house within the week as it was a council house and had to be done. As hard as it was it didn`t give us any choice, maybe the best way! I am sure Wully will alwaus be with you in your new home xxx

Our relationships with our lovely hubbies all sound so similar. Staying in with a dvd and bottle of wine and takeaway was a lovely night for us, not the same on your own and can never be made to happen again. That`s what I miss the most too, our 2 were getting older and we could have `our` time, we patted ourselves on the back that  we had our children a bit earlier and could enjoy our lives together and be young enough to do so. 42 and I`m here on my own, not how we planned!! Oh dear, that`s made the tears come!!!

Ailsa hope you get to the bottom of your electrical problem. I am dreading if anything goes wrong with our heating as Paul was a gas heating engineer and sorted everything out so never had to call a gas man or electrician.

I `ve had similar thoughts about Paul`s headstone, his middle name ws Charles but he never used it although he did put the `C` on his business name so have decided just to have Paul C for his headstone.

Judi - Paul`s Dad`s name is William Edward too!!

Anyway I`m having a quiet one here tonight, son at work and daughter out. It`s the musical firework competition in Southport tonight, Paul used to love fireworks and we would often go but the weather isn`t good tonight so we probably wouldn`t have bothered tonight.

What`s everyone else up to?

Helen xxx

Just had perfect example of how I `pretend` to be ok. Was posting on another forum on a thread about Xmas wishes. Had tears streaming down my face when the phone rang, composed myself and it was Paul`s mum to see if I was ok. Said yes of course I am!!! Mad eh???

Good evening everyone.  I have enjoyed catching up on everyone's posts tonight but for whatever reason I have cried a lot reading through them.  Like you Patricia, I seem to have slipped into a very emotional state again.  Really stupid things have bothered me.  I had to change the central heating clock because the times were set to keep Chris warm during the day.  A new bypass is being built near us and is really taking shape.  Chris knew they were doing it and it made me say that he won't see it but it has changed the landscape so much - would he approve or not??  The headstone & kerb meeting was another thing ticked off my list of things to do.  The hen weekend for my sister with the trip to Paris.  All these are things I want to speak to Chris about but he's not here.  I love the sound of you & Ed's Christmas day Judi.  Chris and I were just the same - loved it when they all went home and left us to ourselves with a DVD, some wine and a takeaway.  We were very good at finishing each other's sentences as well.  I will never be able to fill the space he has left and have no desire to either.  I love coming across things in Chris's handwritting.  I have found a lot of meeting notes from his work and can't bear to part with any of them.  I have put everything in his wardrobes and that is the most I am going to do about gatting rid of them.  I wear his pyjamas now - never my own and I wear his dressing gowns.

Please don't shut up Judi.  I love reading your posts.  Thank you to you and Helen for your comments about writing on the headstones.  I know you can't tell me what to do but what you say helps.

How is Kim today Fiona?  I hope she is feeling a little better.

Keep strong for the move Gayle.  I am absolutely certain that the white feathers mean Wully is with you all the way and will be there in the new house with you.

Hi Helen - it is a bit miserable outside for firewrks tonight.  I am going to get a nice early night tonight as well.  I am out in Huddersfield for a Thai meal tomorrow night and staying over at a colleagues house so I need a nice quite one tonight.  I haven't got the lights sorted out yet but think I will get an electrician in when I have finished work on the sitting room.  Just hope nothing else goes wrong for a bit.

Hope everyone is okay.  Take care.  Ailsa xx

Nothing mad about it, Helen - just 'how we are' at the moment.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

sue x

Helen - in that case we are all mad.  Lots of hugs (((xx))).  Ailsa xx

Hi everyone,

I have had a "funny" day too.  I think I have been talking about Wully a lot today (his sister phoned then a friend phoned) so that is probably why.  I was looking for memorial roses online earlier for my sis in law and came across a site where you can name your own rose and have it delivered it in a pot so I did it for myself lol!  It looks lovely and it comes with the name on it so it will look lovely at my new front door. 

Boys are away to the caravan now so nice and peaceful although I need to get a wriggle on and get some boxes packed.  At the moment I can't be bothered but I know once I start I will be fine.  Nothing much on the TV tonight apart from Criminal Justice and my sister wants me to keep it on Sky+ till the next time she is through as she is going out tonight so don't know whether to watch it or not. 

Ailsa - I hope you have a nice time tomorrow night.  I know you are apprehensive about staying overnight but I am sure it will be fine.  It might even be good to get away for the night and it will fill a large chunk of your weekend.

Helen - don't think it is a night for fireworks here either although I think the weekend is to be nice.

Take care everyone.

Gayle xx

Evening girls - what you say about your relationships with your hubbies is also true for Alan and myself too.  40 years on and we can still speak each other's thoughts and understand (without words) how we're feeling.............Sorry i don't mean to 'rub it in' that he's still here - but there are times when I feel that we're living on borrowed time.  That can lead to very scary thoughts!!! But tonight I'm sending you all squishy (((((((((BIG HUGS)))))))))) to comfort you......I feel that you all need them.

Love and more ((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))  Dot xxxxxxx