My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Brenda, so sorry for your deep sadness. I am sad to find that yet another person finds themselves joining this thread but would like to welcome you to our 'family'. You have had such a lot of heartache over the past few years and it probably seems as though you are being tested beyond all boundaries.  As you say, it is good to hang on to good memories as long as we can.  I am quite a way on from you in my grief but it just does not seem to get any easier.  Some days are better than others but ultimately I miss Ray so much that it hurts.  Some people say "you must be going through the 'why me' phase" My reply to that is that neither myself nor Ray ever once have said why me or why us.  We just accepted that this dreadful illness is indiscriminate and can affect anyone at all.

It is so, so difficult to live a normal life but we all try to do it beacause we know it is what we have to do and also as a mark of respect for the person we are grieving for.  Life will never be 'normal' again.  We just make a 'new' normal. 

Now who is rambling lol. 

Take care and I hope that you will enjoy posting with us. 

Fiona, try to keep smiling hun. I understand  how you feel as regards your son going away for a few months but remember he is only a phone call away.  (or you can talk/video message  on messenger or skype with him).  Maybe you could plan to take a trip out to visit him too.

Have a good day all x x Patricia x x

Brenda welcome xxx

I have just had a few tears reading your story and very wise words!! They are so true, we are all strong and have been through so much before our brave husbands died. This is the next part we have to find strength each day xxx

Fiona my brother went to work in St Helena(middle of South Atlantic ocean) for 2 years last January. Paul said when he went I won`t see him again!! He hadn`t even been told he was terminal then, he didn`t see him and my brother said if he had known he wouldn`t have gone but there was no way I would have wanted him to miss out on the job and life opportunity. We talk on Skype with a webcam which is a great way of keeping in touch and Paul did speak to him also, I think everything seems more of an issue by ourselves, I am quite frustrated as the paperwork isn`t right for my car so got to go back at the weekend and the insurance isn`t as straight forward as I thought!! All seems worse when it`s just me!!

Hope you`re feeling better Gayle and Lynne hope you didn`t spend up!!

Kaz how are you today?

I`ve got the house to myself so been very naughty and had a sausage dinner from the chippy for my tea. Son has gone to Leeds to watch Liverpool so will watch the match on tv later.

Have a good evening everyone

Helen xxx

Evening all , So sorry for your loss Brenda , my heart breaks everytime i read someones heart breaking story , you really have suffered so much and i hope we can all be a help to you , please keep posting , it really does help ..

Well i did some good shopping , the usual kind of stuff , pressies for grand kiddies , make up , shoes , a skirt , some other stuff ready for Benidorm ,. i also had my fortune told , oh boy she was spot on , said about stress, i give to much to other people . i've got to back off , yes right  , said i was married to a good man , i just looked at her and she said , do you believe in stars i said i did . she said well he's shining down on you , he's not down there she continued , i've got to move on (never know what that means anyway ) asked if i'd thought of moving hose , my sis and i had just been talking about it , she said i would move next year , she then told me all about my kids , she was spot on , she then said , your best friend who is sat at the side of you , i said she's my sister , she interupted and said again , your best friend who is sat at the side of you will never let you down and always be there for you  , (sis in tears at this point ) she said other things about me meeting someone else in 2 years but never marrying again , as if ... She said some things about my health and said i wasn't to drink to much , so after Benidorm i will be good LOL . I came out feeling ok  , dont know why really maybe because she said Gordon had never left me , and i believe that ...

 We're of to watch strike tonight (from britains got talent a couple of years ago ) Hope the ladies that have felt down are feeling a little better now .Have a good evening everyone ..

Take care Lynne xxx

Sausage dinner sounds good Helen , the food is good here , we are half board so its to easy to over eat , i am trying to be good tho , i,ve lost over a stone since i lost Gordon and dont want to put it back on again , so doing plenty of walking too . Hope you get the paper work sorted , i hate any kind of paper work grr .

Lynnexxx

Hi guys sorry not been with you for a couple of days.  House a bit quiet now my son at uni.  It is a lot tidier though.  Been doing the garden and just keeping busy went back into a shell really but have been reading all the news..  

luv and hugs kaz xxx

Brenda, so sorry to hear how cruel life has been to you, it is so very unfair.  You describe all the guilt and feelings so well, we all do it don't we and know that we shouldn't but those wee small hours are just the time for beating yourself up aren't they? 

Thank you all for your lovely welcomes and well done and thank you all that have found me on Facebook - and for your lovely comments on the photo's. I love the way Steve's garden has turned out and even in the dark I can look out and see the two solar lanterns glowing quietly in the night, he isn't there it's only his ashes, but he is still at home where he wanted to be.

I just wrote a whole long post with lots of replies for you all and the dear little kitten - Dave - just jumped up out of the way of the dog - Kofi - and walked across the keyboard and lost everything, nearly crashed the computer!  So may I just send you all everlasting hugs and good wishes for your days, evenings and nights, those long sleepless nights are the times I email Steve, it feels like he might hear all the news that way if I type it out then send it, daft I know but it often helps me sleep afterwards so that has to be good.

Take care all, night night xxxxx

Evening everyone

Glad you had a good day Lynne, nothing like a bit of retail therapy. I have always been sceptical about fortune telling but really glad that yours went well and that you came out with such positive thoughts. Enjoy tonight, i recognise the name strike but can't quite picture them.

big hugs to you kaz glad that you are keeping yourself busy, i guess it will take you some time to adjust now your son is at Uni, it must make the feelings of loss all come flooding back. But remember he is not far and will soon be home. Easy for me to say I know as my girls are much younger, the oldest has plans for uni but the youngest informs me she is never leaving as it will be cheaper for her and her husband and children to live with me lol. She has everything planned she does make me laugh.

Brenda welcome but so sorry you find yourself here, You sound amazingly strong considering what you have been through. Yes I too feel such guilt for so many things, things happened very quick in the end and it meant so much was left unanswered and unsaid and I spend a lot of my time with wondering about the what if's. But I know nothing can turn the clock back and i have the one comfort that I know he is no longer suffering, so i guess we just have to try so hard to move forward but what a hell of a journey we have to travel.

Still not having the best of days went to the gym and felt better whilst there but it inevitable means returning home and the sadness just seems to engulf me at the moment. Trying to keep busy doing house work and gardening just don't seem to have enough to do.

Debs x

Thanks Debs and high Brenda and all the rest of the gang.

Just seem to be exhausted all the time and everything is just hard work.  It does not help with still work around the house to do.  Got 4 ton of shingle to get in to the garden joy of joys so will be off the computor for another couple of days.    Just went into kitchen to get a drink and caught the belt hook on my trousers in the door handle nearly broke my neck lol xxxGoing to have an early night tonight cant even think straight to write on hear so lotsof love and hugs..  Another day over!!!!!  kaz xxxxxxxxxx

Hi Everyone,

Welcome Brenda sorry to hear of your loss, like you i feel guilty at not getting Derek to go to doctors earlier. Well i got on at work not to bad today after  not sleeping last night i have kind of calmed down a little as going to make myself ill about Darren going away and it's not till Jan. My daughter came in tonight with a lovely bunch of flowers to cheer me up she is so good to me and don't know what i would do without them. Gayle hope you are feeling better tonight. Hope you enjoyed your night out Lynne ( i can't remember them.) Hope everyone else is ok and i send hugs to you all. Well better get off to bed now and see if i sleep better tonight.

Take Care Fiona xxxxxx

Hi everyone.  I'm a bit late again tonight.  I have been to my mum & dad for something to eat after my physio.  They go off this weekend for a 5 week driving holiday to the costa brava (and all points on the way!) so I won't see them for a bit.  They have cancelled 2 holidays already this year because dad was ill for the 1st one and then Chris was told he only had 2 weeks to live so they cancelled the 2nd one and he died within the week.  They have been a great support.

Welcome Brenda.  Your story made me cry, you have been through such a lot.  What you write is wonderfully wise.  The gulit is difficult and the same thing happens to me - no one can understand why I feel guilt because they saw how I looked after Chris - but it didn't work and that makes me feel guilt - what went wrong?  Anyway I am so glad you had found us & please keep posting.

I'm sorry you are still not sleeping Fiona and that you have had a bad time Debs.  I hope thing are better for you both very soon.  How is your cold Gayle?

I went to see the physio about my back again today and I had acupuncture.  It was very relaxing.  My back muscles are in a bit of a spasm and acupunture may help.  Time will tell - I go back next week.

I love your theory about the ledge Judi.  I'm on a fairly narrow ledge today but it has definately been thinner before today so that must be a good sign.

Hope your holiday is still going well Lynne - enjoy!

Good evening to everyone else - Kaz, Sue, Patricia, Esme, Helen, Claire, Barbie, Quill & Dot.  I hope you have all had a decent day.  I love the pictures of your garden on FB Esme.

Well I'de best get off and get some sleep.  I sleep very well I just put off going to bed for so long I don't get enough sleep.  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xx