My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Crossed in the post Ailsa!  If you have Facebook do a search for Esme Weatherwax (actually a character from Terry Pratchett so you may find a few but the profile picture is of me and my daughter, she's wearing a bright pink hoody - which incidentally says "I survived Swine Flu 2009") anyway the pictures are on there Samantha has "Daddy's Girl" across her lower back and Daniel has an amazing tattoo across his back, not yet finished, the main piece being of Steve's beloved Mustang.  I will try and be clever and upload them to my profile here too, but will welcome you all on Facebook if you want to message quoting this threads title.

Also hugs to Kaz, sorry I meant to send a special one to you and lots of positive thoughts too - I will pour you some of my Baileys and reach out a hand. xxxx

Evening everyone, although I think some of you may already be in bed if the PJs are on by 8pm!  I can't put mine on until I have walked the dogs last thing at night (although I must admit I do have a particularly fetching pair of tartan ones that I have been known to go out in if it is dark!!)  Last walk of the night is normally between midnight and 2am.  A very bad habit I got into when Ed was unwell and couldn't sleep, we used to sit up til all hours. Still sit up til all hours, but as you know it is not the same. 

Miserable weather tonight here (Aberdeen) - have just chatted on the phone to my son who has gone back early to help with Freshers week (a few nights in the pub I think that translates to). 

I obviously need to explain more fully about the ironing board!! For some reason I have taken an immense hatred of ironing and always start sobbing, cos there is only my clothes to iron.  So as a consequence I never actually get round to doing any ironing.  I know that must sound incredibly scruffy, but I am finding many ingenious ways of getting round this.  A long blast with a very hot hairdryer is very successful!  So sorry Gayle, if you bring it to me it will just sit on the top of the montain in the spare room.

A year ago today Ed and I flew back from a holiday in Spain five days early because he wasn't feeling great (15 hour delay but that is a horrible memory that I choose to block out).  What we thought was maybe a hernia turned out to be secondaries trhoughout his liver. We had 36 more days and I remember everyone of them.  Expect me to be here a lot, because you are the first people I have met since it happened that I know really do understand.

Huge hugs to you all. 

One day at a time, at your own pace. xxx

Hi Judi

I`m still up, watching Blue Murder then bed!! I`ve got a collie cross, he`s great company xxx I`ve still got son and daughter at home (15 and 17) the house is so quiet when they`re both out so know how you feel.

Like you say a day at a time, each one so different xxx

Helen xxx

Hi Helen - not sure what channel that's on.  Am watching re runs of Come Dine with me!!

Esme - I have sent (I think) a message on Facebook, although I have only recently opened a page there because my neice wanted me to be able to see her photos, so I ma not sure how it all works.  Don't really post on it as I have found it hard to chat/be upbeat on there, for some daft reason.  So I mostly just send hugs to friends and family and read what they have been up to.   I have to say that your glass of Bailey's is sounding welcoming.  One of Ed's favourite holiday late night drinks was Baileys and Brandy mixed - tastes wonderful but is absolutely lethal!  I recommend it with caution.

Gayle, I think it was Patricia's ironing that was winging its way to me, not yours!

Judi x

Big hugs to you judy, I know what you mean about the ironing, some things are just too painful to bear, the memories that it provokes are so powerful, for me I can't sit down to watch telly its on in the background but to sit down next to his empty chair is just too much. Just send your ironing down here have two girls that love doing it. Often come up to Aberdeen as my sister lives in Stonehaven a lovely place except for the weather anyway.

Hi.  I found you on FB Esmew.  Your photos are lovely.

I never liked ironing anyway but the thing I find impossible to do without Chris is sit down to eat a meal at the table.  It was a special treat for us and we made a real effort but near the end he couldn't sit anymore than he couldn't eat anymore so I find preparing food and sitting to eat it far too distressing to do.

Well - my PJs are on as well now and I am up at 5am tomorrow so I bid you all goodnight.  Sleep well if you can.  Ailsa xx

Evening Everyone,  Gayle sorry to hear you are not well think there is a lot going about here just now as well i am in Dumfries and Galloway in a town called Castle-Douglas so i am not far from Ayrshire, it would be a great idea to meet up after Christmas. I  have had a weepy night my son going to Aus at the beginning of the year for ten months and not looking forward to him going but i don't want him not to go just because of what's happened he has his life to live ( it will be hard) Think life getting harder everyday and keep asking myself why o why.  Well i better get my pjs on and get to bed i think i will need a diazapam tonight to help me sleep. Hello to all the newcomers keep posting as this site is a life line to me as we are all going through the same Luv and Hugs to all you lovely people.

Take Care Fiona xxxxxxxxxxxx 

Hi Lynne, Just forgot to say to you to have a nice time when you are away.

Take Care Fiona xxxxxxxxx

I hate ironing too.  I know what you mean about the emotional side but I promise you that will get easier.  I remember when Wully's bag came back from the hospice and we washed his clothes and my sister wasn't sure what to do with them but I just packed them all away (even the pants that were all cut because he had a catheter in his final hours).  I couldn't have beared throwing them away. 

Still feeling very rough so will probably end up having a duvet day tomorrow.  Luckily my mum stays and watches the boys on a Monday and Tuesday so I won't need to run about so much after them tomorrow.

Fiona and the others I can imagine the pain of a child moving out.  Jamie (who is 5!) was talking about when he has a wife on Saturday lol!  I said to him "can you not just stay with your mummy?"  lol!! But of course a typical child's answer he said no you will be dead! 

Well sounds like we have a good crowd for a meetup and I agree Christmas is not far so maybe January or February would be good and give us something to focus on after Christmas and it also won't be too near any of our anniversary's (remind me if it is because I think all you lot are passing on your forgetfulness to me ;-)).

Well think I will have to go and have a shot on brick breaker on FB and I will track you down Esme.  I have had a tattoo drawn with the initials of my boys and Wully in Hebrew but just need to pluck up the courage to go and get it.  I got some stuff online which is like a local anaesthetic so I will try it out first and see if it does numb the skin.  I have two tattoos already which weren't really sore but that was a long time ago and I am a big wimp now I am older.  Debs are you on FB???

Night to everyone Ailsa, Kaz (big hugs), Lynne, Sue, Fiona, Debs, Esme, Judi, Helen, Tricia, Claire and anyone else (what did I say about the forgetfulness!).

Gayle xx

Night Fiona

I know exactly what you mean about it appearing to get worse, I have to admit that last couple of months have things seem to be getting harder.  And I always think (maybe wrongly) that friends and family want/hope/think that 'time is healing, even a little' - not really the case.  

I have (just in my head) decided that life is now like living on a ledge.  Some days it is such a narrow, precarious, high ledge that it takes all your strength just to manage to hold on and not fall off.  And on those days it doesn't really matter what is going on around you - it takes all your concentration just to hang on in there.  Then other days the ledge is a little bigger and not so scary.  Today was a wide ledge day, and I am grateful for that.

My mum and dad used to have a wee holiday chalet near Gatehouse of Fleet, so I know your area a little. I used to love summers there. 

Hope you sleep xxxx

Judi