Why do I grieve, not for the past, because that was already past
I grieve for what we may have had together in the future
I grieve with racking sobs and immeasurable pain for the loss of him
I grieve because I know that this is not for today for it will last
beyond tomorrow, next week, next month and next year.
The overwhelming need to be with him, if only for a brief minute
frightens me, yet comforts me through my tears, because it means
That I have experienced the depth of love I did not believe existed
And for that I should remember to be grateful, but it still seems
As though there is no tomorrow for me any more, just today
To push myself through, for the sake of others and in memory of him
Not to sound self-pitying or boring others with my pain, so I paint on my face
And I face the world, but inside I feel nothing but emptiness and grief,
and with that word again, I grieve, and I scream to the sky, I want him back
The world is silent, the world we knew is no more, and I feel cast away
on a sea of loneliness, where there is no laughter, nor even fights, just silence
The silence made of grieving and loss.
Whilst others quite rightly gather back their lives and hold their loved ones even closer
I want him home, I want him back, I want to be with him
But in his name and for his memory’s sake I must go on, into a future alone
No one can help me, not family nor friends, for this is one battle I must face
To waken each day, look at the same spot on the ceiling and get on with trying to live
Without him.
Course you can ally....want a choccie biscuit to go with it? Comfort food!
I've been having a bit of a weep and feeling rather low and then the phone rang..it was my son so he's lifted my spirits a bit.
Hi sue,
It's amazing how often that can happen. Just when we feel really low and certain that no-one cares the phone rings or the door bell goes and we are uplifted again, even if it is only for a short period. Take Care,
Ai.
thank you Claremcc I will try visualize giving those people a slap it does make me angry when they say things like that , thank you for your words of encouragement it means a lot xx Jenny
Dear allyRHB I see your husband died 3 days after mine I understand totally when you say you cannot be bothered to do the basic things I feel like hiding under my duvet and shutting the world out most days because my husband is not there the flat feels lonely now it was only the 2 of us before so now shopping for one cooking for one I cannot be bothered . I am sending you big hugs (('')) you take care x
I just read this Bootsy and thought you'd written it, then realised it's from 7 years ago. Just shows nothing changes, I could have written it today. It's so true, I have been struggling last couple of weeks but don't really know why, 9 months for me now. Just get up every day and go about my duties on autopilot. Don't like the winter coming either, worried about being cooped up at home alone. Thought about trying St. John's Wort to lift my mood. Anyone ever tried? Ali x
I wish I had, it's beautifully done and matches all our emotions!! I found it under 'related' which appears under any last post from a thread, most seem to be from years ago. I wonder how long people stay on the site for?
Autopilot is the way I get around my days too. I have expressed an interest for voluntary redundancy at work, I don't think I can bear the thought of another Christmas in retail (even though I was at home with Colin last year) with not enough staff to do all the work that needs doing and company standards still expected to be high. On the other hand I still need something to keep me functioning. Can't decide
Dear BootsyD. I had a real shock when your response came up, a full seven years after I had written it. The weird thing is that I was thinking about my husband last night, as I do every day, and the pain I described seven years ago, is no longer there. I have been through a whole range of emotions in the past years, some good, some not so good, but which together served to give me strength.
Today I feel a different person - I moved house 3 years ago, initially it was a terrible wrench and difficult decision, but it was right for me. I now live in a house which I decorated to my taste, I have an amazing garden which I redesigned for me and was a wonderful source of comfort during COVID lockdown. I must be the only person who actually enjoyed lockdown, reviving my cooking skills, enjoying my garden and really enjoying my own company.
Reflecting on my marriage, I realise there was a great deal of control exercised by my husband, which caused me to have a very low self esteem and made recovering from his death so much more difficult.
But all that is water under the bridge now, I have become stronger as a person, confident when I make decisions. I still slip back sometimes, but at least I can recognise the warning signs and react to them. I have slimmed down my friends, and now have a smaller group but people I trust completely.
I still talk to my husband, shout at him even when I discover more about him that i knew previously, but there are times when I sit down and feel completely happy and fulfilled. I have no desire to meet anyone else, I am my own boss, eat when I like, watch what TV I want, live in my pj's all day, which I often did during lockdown.
All of this does not mean I did not love my husband, I did very much. I envy those who had marriages where they were solidly and honestly in love with each other. My mourning was no less deep, just tempered with the knowledge there were secrets, which I began to find out all about after my husband died.
I still miss him, think of him every day and always last thing at night. I talk to him about any problems with our children or grandchildren, so he is every present in my life, except now instead of being right in front of me, restricting my view, he is beside me, giving me a clearer picture of what lies ahead.
I sincerely hope and pray you and AliG55, get through the coming months and years, it is not an easy path and at times the pain will be overwhelming, but please know, you will never get over your loss, time will bring you the strength to learn to live with it, and eventually learn to carry on. My heart goes out to you both, but love yourself, be kind to yourself and most of all. try not to rush things. Gently everything will fall into place.
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