It's This Time of Year I Miss Him So Much.

It's so Traumatic watching our Special person suffering and dying before our eyes and we cannot do a thing to help. The Images continue to stay with us and it's diificult to escape the pain of our greatest loss. I hope it helps to get away this weekend. Might have been nice to have company. We have no choice but to process the Hurt and sadness . Even loneliness whether there are people around you. I hope the weather picks up. Yesterday was Beautiful in the morning. Today back to the miserable grey skies and rain. Thinking of you Malengwa . Cx 

Sounds a lot like me Spirit! What you have posted I 100% agree with you. 

xx

I think the first year is not when any recovery happens. First there's the shock - and the brain fog - and the admin and arrangements and and and. Then you realise how many anniversaries and 'firsts' you have to go through: first anniversary of your beloved's birthday/ wedding anniversary/day you first met/ engagement/birth of children/first death day/funeral anniversary. Then there are the reminders of the cancer: diagnosis, treatments, highs and lows. And we go through this not once, but every following year. All I can say is that the pain blunts with time. Finding something you can do to honour your beloved and keep them with you without feeling devastated might help. I tend our allotment that we had for 25 years and I'm trying to get his poems published. I think it's brave to go away by yourself: a huge victory of sorts. Take care. 

Thankyou for saying that. I feel that I should be better than I am, and I think other people think so too. I was better for a while, but now everyone has gone back to their own busy lives I'm really struggling again. No motivation, and nobody to notice (or care) whether I try to do things or stay in and watch tv. I feel like it will get worse now, leading up to the one year anniversary in November, then having to do xmas again. Maybe next year will be better?.Or maybe not. 

I don't think there's anything to be gained from trying to force yourself to do things when you lack motivation. Do what you can, when you can (my mornings are unproductive). And staying in watching tv? Nothing wrong with that - in the evening I binge watch Channel 4 drama serials. I find Scandi noir distracting. So long as you're eating, keeping your fluids up and getting as much sleep as you can, you're doing fine. Try to take one day at a time and don't look too far ahead. Grief doesn't have a timeline. Be kind to yourself.

Thankyou. In the evenings I plan what I can do tomorrow, but then tomorrow comes and I can't be bothered. I feel that I'm living inside my own head, so much time thinking about things, finding all the mistakes I've made etc      I know that isn't healthy, but it's hard to control your thoughts. 

Hi Spirit

That’s very normal. Year 2 is not better in my experience but you will hopefully feel a bit more motivated to do things. Grieving is exhausting which is a big part of the problem.
Take care - early days ️

I'm going into my 4th winter without Jay. I found the 2nd year a bit harder than the first but we're all different. The 2nd year I think as I have posted here was a realisation for me that he wasn't coming back. In year 1 I think I was still looking for him coming back and coming to terms he had gone. Spirit and We survived what you both wrote I can relate with. Most days I can be unproductive and always full of good intentions of what I am going to do but somehow never materialises. I still watch a lot of rubbish TV as well. I watch a lot of Youtube videos watch the soaps and sometimes find a random film to watch on Amazon. The TV  is hardly on in the daytime I try to get out then- obviously maybe go to they gym a couple days a week and then I go to my son's house to look after my granddaughters a couple of days though its mainly the younger one I look after as the older one is at school most of the day but there still comes the days when I want to just hide away and can actually see leaving the house far enough.  The TV would have been on 24/7 when Jay was here he was your typical couch potato and channel surfer which used to annoy me he would start watching something then switch the TV over to something else half way through deciding he had seen what it was he had been watching he was a terrible one for watching programmes over and over again that is something I don't miss about him. Lots of things I do though and you're right Helen grieving at times can be exhausting. Take Care. 

xx