It's This Time of Year I Miss Him So Much.

Thankyou for your support HelenAtHome. I wish people would try to be kinder and more understanding, some people don't ask how I am, others don't say anything at all. I feel very alone and unsupported much of the time. I'm trying to take this one day at a time, and accept that this is how it will be for the forseeable. Thanks again x

It’s not you, people just stop asking. They have no idea what you are going through - which is good for them but very hard for you. 
I feel the same. Take care x 

Yes

You're out and about so everyone just assumes you're ok but as many here have said already `the mask` goes on and you just get on with things trying very hard to navigate life as normal as possible. 

Some days I surprise myself by how normal I seem. Others, like today, there is no one to see me so I don't bother with the mask, I just let myself cry and weep for him and for the life I've lost. Some days I feel it's all too much, I am too much alone and I can't see how I'm meant to keep living like this. Nobody needs me now, apart from my dog. Often I don't see or speak to anyone for days at a time. I hate how everyone has forgotten him already. These bad days are so hard to navigate. 

Hello Vicky, i think the shorter days and longer dark nights are part of what makes us feel worse. I was beginning to think I was coping better , But I've just been so busy trying to decorate the smallest room (because it was so tatty and unwelcoming ) on wet days . And change the back of the house from just pebbles into a proper garden. Doing that on the dry ,sunny days . Even when I'm busy my thought go back to my Hubby and thinking how if I had gone with him to the Hospital ,rather than trusting in the Rubbish Doctors . He could /might still be here . And so I cry every day still. The tears don't always come , but I sob in pain . I still see his face in my mind. It doesn't get any easier . My friend who lost her Husband , my Hubby's best friend , Tells me it does eventually get easier , But then it's been 11 years since hers left us. Our youngest son is still living here , though he wants to get his own place ,but can't really afford to yet , So I think he might wait until after Xmas . We lead separate lives anyway . We don't like the same Tv programs so he watches one in another room. I can understand he wants his own space . But when he moves out he will still need the dog walker ( Me )and to borrow the car . So that will be difficult for him. I can understand how fed up he gets of me being so sad and miserable , but I can't pretend to be happy. And so I just get on with the day , alone . Trying to keep busy. Trying to make this house a home . It doesn't feel like home without my Hubby. As for neighbours .. I have made friends with a few here . The people joined on to this semi are not the nicest as I've found. quite selfish. We haven't seen eye to eye on the problem of the Bloody roots that came through all over the back garden . Which took me 3 months to dig out. He did get his trees cut down a little ,but they are still level with my bedroom window and over hanging my fence . I had enough trouble with the neighbours from hell in Scotland , so I am just keeping to myself and not talking to them now . The Wife has never even looked up to say hello anyway , so no loss there . I'm sure she thought I was after her Husband . Only Husband I want is the one I've lost . I don't know if they know , perhaps the word has got round , but nobody asks and I prefer it that way. My friend has just sold her big house at last . She was worried about what neighbours she would get , as she has moved in the little cottage next door. Anyway the Asians who bought her House are very nice so far . Even bringing round the odd curry . So I hope that continues for her .                                                  So yea this time of year can be depressing. We've had a lot of rain lately , though this morning was very nice and actually warm and sunny. Good to walk the dogs . And then I tied my Big boy to the car so I could give him a good brush without him walking away . Got a bucket full of white hair . He moults so badly ,it was getting on my nerves . I wouldn't be without him though. I have been tempted to get a 3rd dog . i can't really afford to , and I need to do such a lot to this house . Must insulate the loft this year before the cold really sets in. And I really want a bth installed and get rid of the disgusting shower cubicle . Waiting for The Plumber to get in touch with me to advise which bath to buy . I thoink a corner bath ,because the bathroom is so small. And he still hasn't got my radiator working in the bathroom. Last Winter it was freezing in there , I won't want to lie in a bath in a cold room.  So just taking one day at a time , trying to do somrthing constructive each day . Trying to get through the days without my Love . 18 months on now and I Hate this existance without him. I hate thinking to a future without hiom in it. Of course it's inevitable we are all going to pass , but after almost 50 years together and now my Life feels empty.  How long before the Pain subsides ? Even just a little , If ever , Sorry I'm so pessimistic. Time to get my Hot chocolate , take the tablets and hope to have a better nights sleep. So I can face another day without wanting to nap when I should be doing something usefull. Wishing better days for all of us . Sorry I go on so much once I start on here . Best Wishes to all .  Cx 

I am so sorry you are so desperately unhappy Breton, I am the same. I'm struggling to keep my garden tidy but never get any offers of help from anyone. This is such a struggle isn't it? I can't see how it will get any easier. I dread the winter, knowing I'll be even more alone then. My son hardly ever texts or rings, my daughter is a bit better but we're 70 miles apart and neither of us drives. Some days this feels unbearable. I'm sick of people assuming I'm ok when in reality I'm screaming inside. Sorry about this rant, I have had a bad few days and won't see anyone until next week. At least we are here for each other x

Oh Spirit that makes me sad. You are doing amazingly well navigating life alone and having some good days at least. Problem is something good happens and you feel terrible as you can’t share it

But apart from that its is better to let it all out. I haven’t been able to do that which is not good for me I know.  We haven’t just lost the person but the whole life we had with them. Most people don’t understand that. 

Is there anything you enjoy that could bring you a little distraction - just for you? I started a pottery class today. I hardly spoke - just got engrossed in my pot. It was very therapeutic. I had decided creative things make me feel less stressed.  

Also I find a walk everyday helps but you probably do that with your dog whom I hope is a great comfort and certainly needs you. 

I’ll stop now before I get annoying. 

Well today is 'that' day, one year ago, Tony breathed his last. I cant believe how a year has passed, most of it in a blur. 

Ive survived but thats all I do. I wonder how many people will actually remember. 

I couldnt bear to be home alone, my daughter couldnt face coming over because she was with me when he died, so i decided to go away for the weekend on my ownfor a Warners break. We last went there for my 60th birthday. I have no idea if its the right thing to do but its not difficult to come home if I cant cope.

I will take my journal, music, kindle and photos and just see what happens.

This time last year he was literally beggging to die, i cant get that image or words out of my head, I wonder if I ever will.

X

Thinking of you today Malengwa. Wherever you are will be very hard and you will be thinking of him. It sounds a good idea to seek a distraction to make it a little easier on yourself. Take care and I hope you can recall some happier times with Tony too x

Sending you love Malengwa, these are such hard days, no easy way through. xx