Just lost my husband and feeling devastated

So sorry for your loss.

I lost my Husband 26 days ago. He had been fighting Prostate cancer for nearly 3 years and he seemed to be winning but, in April his weight started dropping dramatically, more tests, scans, they had found a new Cancer, it was in his gullet, liver and bones, he wasn't fit enough to cope with the treatment. By August he was deteriorating, admitted to Hospital twice but, he wanted to be at home and I wanted him home too. He passed peacefully and for that I am grateful, I didn't want him to be in pain. We had been married 50 years, raised our Children, helped with Grandchildren, this was to be our time. I know exactly how you are feeling, I can't face talking to anyone, don't want to be where people are.

A good friend texts me every day, I can't even talk face to face with her, she lost her Husband last year. 

I miss him all the time, I cry a lot, my head is full of wonderful memories that we made together and your memories will be so precious to you.

Hello Stoorie & Chocaholic. 

So sorry to you both  for your losses and welcome to the forum although its a place most of us don't want to be but here we are and we are a good bunch and a great support for one another and all `get it` in what you will be feeling/going through there will always be someone who posts which you can relate to. I can identify with what you have both posted because I am now into my 3rd year of losing my husband to bowel cancer so will have an idea of what you will both be going through at this time just starting out on your bereavement journeys. My husband went through his operation in January 2022 to remove his tumour and was told they had got it all and so was in remission. Fast forward five months when he went for a follow up appointment with his surgeon and she arranged for bloods to be taken. He got a letter 3 weeks later to say his CEA markers had risen and another CT scan was requested which confirmed the cancer had returned. Then he had to endure another regime of chemotherapy which was quite severe and ended up damaging his kidneys so had to be stopped he had to have a double nephrostomy procedure which mean drains had to be inserted into his sides with bags attached to help his kidneys drain properly. Four bouts of  sepsis followed and it was on the 4th bout along with his advancing cancer that finally took him in June 2023. 

He has missed so much in the 3 years he has been gone and there is so much I have wanted to share with him but can't. Our son got married in February 2025 so he wasn't here for that and he has missed the birth of our 2nd little grandaughter in October last year she just turns 1 year old this week. He wanted to see our oldest little granddaughter start school last August but again cancer had other ideas for that. At least he got to see the first two years of her life. I get the `special in jokes` chocaholic only you both would have shared we had those too. He made me laugh so much proper laugh out loud and I've not done a lot of that for a very long time. It is very early days for you both so your head will be all over the place with feelings of shock, anger, denial just to name a few and all the emotions you feel just now is normal at this time of course. Just lean on family and friends if you can and accept offers of help and support.

We were together for 40 years and to suddenly have that one constant in your life not being there is definitely a shock to the system. Just both of you take your time for now and just take each day as it comes and just come here when you feel the need to am sure the others will be along to post soon. Both of you take care of yourselves and sending my best wishes to you both. 

Vicky x

Hi there, I am so sorry to hear about your husband. We are never ready for the loss, even if they have been unwell for a long period of time. My husband had kidney cancer, and it had moved to his liver. He was diagnosed in March 2024, and gone by August. It is shocking, and a cruel disease. Try and post here, if you can. You are with people that understand the pain. Hugs to all. Kate. 

Hello Chocaholic28,

My name is Lizzie, and I’m part of the Online Community team.

I just wanted to say how incredibly sorry I am for the loss of your husband. I can only imagine how difficult and heartbreaking this time must be for you, and I hope that being part of this forum brings you some comfort and support. Connecting with others who may have experienced something similar can sometimes help you feel a little less alone.

Please know that you’re not alone, and if you’re ever struggling or need someone to talk to, please don’t hesitate to reach out. Macmillan is here for you.

I also wanted to let you know that we have a Macmillan Support Line if you ever feel you need to talk things through with someone. Sometimes, having a listening ear and a safe space to share how you’re feeling can really help. The Support Line is available 8am–8pm, seven days a week, on freephone 0808 808 00 00. You can also get in touch by email, or via live webchat.

We also have information on our website about loss and bereavement, which you may find helpful when you feel ready.

Another organisation I wanted to mention is The Loss Foundation, which offers support to people who have been bereaved by cancer. It may be another source of comfort and understanding for you.

I really hope some of this is helpful. Please take things at your own pace, and remember that there’s no right or wrong way to grieve. If you have any questions, need some support, or simply want to share how you’re feeling, please know that you’re very welcome to reach out.

Sending you my warmest thoughts during such a difficult time.

I’m sorry for your loss too and can certainly relate to how you are feeling right now.  At times my longing for him is like a physical pain and I cry my eyes out, which I suppose helps a little.  Unlike you I feel the need to be with people and when I’m on my own at home is the worst time as I see his photos and all the things he’ll never use again.  I went out shopping today and stayed out as long as I could. 

The original plan was for him to come home and carers to come in but it didn’t get that far and in fact I feel he was better off in hospital where it was easy to get help when required, especially as he had declined mentally too.  Fortunately he was in discomfort rather than actual pain, which he only experienced on very few occasions, despite the fact that the cancer had spread throughout the bones. 

I have many happy memories but at present I’m finding them too painful.

Hi Vicky, 

I was so sorry to read your husband’s story.  You must have been devastated to find the cancer had returned after only 5 months, having been told it had all been removed.  He obviously suffered a great deal after that with all the things that followed, the sepsis being the final straw, and it must have been so painful for you having to watch him go through it all. 

We don’t have children but had hoped to pack in a few more holidays together, and places to revisit  before the cancer eventually caught up with him.   Unfortunately he had to reduce his steroids to receive the radium and the tapering schedule he was given was too fast so we had to cancel the trips and theatre visits we’d booked, including our last wedding anniversary celebration, as he was too fatigued and nauseous.  As the treatment didn’t help in the end I feel so sad that those few months were wasted.

Hi and thank you.  Four months is such a short time to have to come to terms with a prognosis and was obviously a terrible shock for you both to find it had spread.  We were more fortunate in that, although the cancer was terminal, we still had some time when hubby felt well before the last few months.  He was in denial right until the start of his mental deterioration, even during the last few weeks in hospital when he was convinced he’d soon be out and about again and getting frustrated at not being discharged. 

I’ve been very grateful for the support of these forums over the years, and especially now. 

I went shopping this morning too and I was fine but, had to be home for 11am to babysit our Great Grand Son, the apple of my Hubbys eye, he's really the only one that keeps me going. 

I feel the pain you have too, it's awful, I've had a bad week, he left instructions what was to be done and I've done all of them bar one and thats the one I'm struggling with, it was his final wish and I will do it but, not right at this time, I'm not ready.

 I think we just need to take each day as it comes, do what is right for you.

Stoorie x

Thank you Lizzie.  I’ve found these forums very supportive throughout my husband’s various treatments.  We also have a Macmillan hub at our hospital which has offered support, advice and sympathy – and a cup of coffee - when needed over the years. 

Thank you for giving me details of the various support available to me, which I’ll certainly be exploring.  I do have local friends who are also bereaved and can relate to how I’m feeling right now. One of them goes to a widow/widowers social group in my town so I’ll be joining her in a while.  At the moment I’m still awaiting the appointment at the local registry office so feel rather in limbo.  I understand that the oncology department that completes the death certificate is rather overwhelmed due to staff sickness so it could take a while but all the same, I’ll be glad when I can go ahead and tackle all the necessary admin, and be able to start arranging the funeral. 

Best wishes

Hazel 

Hi Chocaholic!

Thanks for the reply. Yes it was quite devastating and for him too. He was just so elated when they told him he was in remission with his cancer so not quite `cured` but going in the right direction only to be brought down to earth with bump to be told it was back after only 5 months. I did ask his oncologist at a follow up appointment should he not get some kind of post chemo or radiotherapy after his operation incase anything was missed and was told a flat `no` and if it is not necessary then they don't do it but obviously something was still there and left to form again and to this day it still makes me angry but they are supposed to be the experts and at the time you just go with what they say but now sometimes you wonder. I asked because my older sister got very early stage breast cancer in 2019 and they were able to take her in and just cut the tumour out and post op she had to attend the Beatson cancer centre in Glasgow- where I am- for 15 sessions of radiotherapy to make sure it had gone and this is why I questioned this for Jay (my husband) as his operation was a bit more intensive than hers was. The ironic thing  too was that she got another diagnosis of cancer this time bowel cancer same as Jay only 2 months after he passed and again was caught early  and she has come through that too. 

When he got the news it was back. I think  truthfully he just gave up and it was really heartbreaking to see what he became from what he was. He was a big strapping bear of a man and his whole body just withered away to a shadow is how I could describe it. He fought it hard though for almost 2 and half years and just took everything they could throw at him until he could take no more and until they had run out of options. He wanted to pass at home when they told him he was terminal and nothing more could be done but in the end he never got that option between the sepsis and the cancer taking a grip he just became too weak to continue to be treated at home and had to go back into hospital where he stayed until he passed. 

Yes cancer is such a cruel disease but good we all have here to come to when we are at our lowest. Take Care. 

Vicky x