Death of my Husband

I'm so sorry for your loss, and that you find yourself here amongst us.

3 months is still very early days on the grief journey. I can't tell you that you'll ever really got over losing your husband, but I can tell you that ever so slowly, it won't feel quite so raw. 

I'm 20 months on from losing my wife, and I can think about her without crying now, most of the time. I still can't smile if I try and think about the happy times we shared.

It's good that you have children (I don't), and hopefully other supportive family and friends that you can lean on. I will warn you that they will soon enough get on with their own lives, and expect you to feel better, but you probably won't. That's been very hard for me. I hope this isn't the case for you.

Andy

HI Jaq!

So sorry for your loss but so pleased you found this forum and welcome to you. Its a place most of us don't really want to be or never thought we would be but here we are. We're a good bunch and a good support for each other and `get it` with what you may be going through and experiencing. At this time your head will be all over the place and going through so many emotions and feelings like, shock, denial and anxiety to name just a few. I am 3 years in from losing my husband to bowel cancer and been where you have and so have others here and some still maybe there. Everything for you at the moment will still be very raw as its only a few months in. Such a shame that your family lives a distance from you but if you have other family and good friends you can rely on closeby just lean on them for now and take all offers of help and support and of course come on here to the forum when you feel the need to. I too was like you at the beginning. When my husband was going through his treatment I went to a few very dark places and at times I didn't want to be here either because my attitude at the time was `if he's not going to be here then I don't want to be either` but I managed to reach out for help and was made to realise that there are people I still need to be here for my son and his family and my older sister who I am now a carer for as she has health issues and been through two diagnoses of cancer herself the 2nd one two months after my husband passed. 

I still have my bad days/weeks even 3 years in but not as intense as at the beginning they're my F**k It! weeks I call them days when things don't go right or just days when I wonder `what's the point`? but like unwelcome visitors they eventually leave and I can then try and move fowards. Just take your time. For now its just one foot in front of the other and a day at a time and if there are days you just feel unmotivated then that's natural and just go with it. Through time you will begin to feel a shift in how you feel but only you will know when you feel a change. Grief has no time limit and we all go through it differently. My best wishes to you and take care of yourself.

Vicky x

Thank you Vicki for taking the time to read my post. X

Hi,

I am very sorry to read your post, and nothing I write here will help - but I wanted to reply, if only to let you know that other people here are thinking about you, and feel your pain.

I know what's it's like (my own story is in my profile, if you care to read it), and I know exactly what you mean about having plans for the future ripped away, not really wanting to be here in twenty years time, and the loss of any motivation.

But what can we do? Being alive is a privilege - one which has been denied to our partners - and we need now to try to live a good and productive life in loving memory of our partners, even though that seems like an impossibly difficult thing to do.

Things which have helped me a bit are socialisation, and physical activity. So please try to keep active. Good friends matter too: I haven't got very many of those, but I value and appreciate the ones who have tried to keep in touch, and who  actually seem to understand the shit position I'm in. Things which have definitely _not_ helped me are isolation, and excessive booze. (I went down that latter rabbit hole for a bit, but I think - only, think! - I might now have managed to turn a corner.)

If you feel able, you might investigate the possibility of formal grief counselling. I did, and it helped me a bit. I have also gotten help from my local Maggie's centre - so you could investigate that (or similar) as well. If it would be useful to you, I can easily elaborate on those things.

For now, I will leave it at that. But please keep posting here - people on this forum understand, and can offer suggestions about what has helped them cope - and please keep going. I wish you all the strength and resilience you can muster.

Sending you love and best wishes.

Thank you Andy, I thought it might be good to join a group like this, where people have had similar experiences to me

I seem to be on repeat, when someone asks how I am. That usually ends in floods of tears, even on the phone. At the moment, I try and avoid people at all costs.

This month is particularly bad for big Birthday's for me and Graham. I know my kids want to make it special, but in Tuesday I'd rather be in bed, ignoring the whole thing.

Thank you PTP. 

It's a very difficult journey and it starts as soon as they're diagnosed.  Youre on a treadmill never getting off, then suddenly the rug is pulled from under you and you're left in a daze, especially after the funeral and the buzz has died down. People just get on with their own lives.

Im waiting for that corner to turn and help me reconnect with myself and the world. 

Everyone keeps saying 'its early days yet' and 'we're here for you' 

Chasing Pensions etc has been setting me back, worrying about the future. Will I have to sell the house and move?  All these questions continually whirl through your head, day and night. Once I start crying, I cant stop.

Hi Jaq.

I am sorry to read about your husband and how rubbish you feel at the moment. Ive just passed one year since my husband died from a rare sarcoma. Im a similar age to you, 61 when he died and its heartbreaking when you are perhaps thinking about retirement and then it doesnt happen.

You cant hurry grief, it has its own time frame which is unique to you. You are probably exhausted, I know I still feel quite exhausted. Just do what you can. Take each minute, hour and day as it comes. Try to eat and drink, and lean on friends if you can. I have learned many things along the way, one of which is that I spent a lot of time in the early months doing what everone else was telling me to..go out, meet new people, do new things but it actually didnt help me at all, so I pulled right back and spent day after day home alone which didnt help either. So Ive learned to try to balance both. 

Come here to chat, we are a lovely bunch who all get it. X

Thank you, its refreshing to have new perspectives.  

Today, im determined to get out for groceries( not that im eating anythingsubstantial), before we get more stormy weather.  Oh and a shower. I just couldn't care less though.

All your replies have given me a wee bit of a boost knowing im not alone. 

Is there any groups for widows of my age (60)? No disrespect to any older members.

X

No disrespect taken Jaq. I'm 64 next month. You sound Scottish where abouts you from. I'm in Glasgow. 

x