My husband died of stomach cancer about 3 weeks ago at the age of 50. We were blessed to have three wonderful children together who are now 18 and 19 and 22 years old. My husband was diagnosed via an A&E admission having been misdiagnosed and dismissed fby both specialists and GPs for almost a year to the point that when he finally was admitted the cancer had metastasised and the only option was to treat it with aggressive chemotherapy which he bravely endured until his body couldn't take it any longer approximately a year and a half later. I have been overwhelmed with anger about this but also exhaustion from hundreds of medical appointments, trying to remain positive (as he asked me to and as I needed to be for the children) whilst working full time as he was unable to fwork alongside me for the last 12 months. I am worried that, due to the need to 'put on a brave face' and keep things on track that I may only be beginning to accept that he is gone. He was my best friend and the love of my life (in fact the first and only person until that kids that I believe loved me completely, for better and worse). Life before him was pretty bleak family-wise for both of us and I am very worried that I will spend the rest of my life trying to convince those around me that I love that I'm ok - when they will be able to see straight through this. I don't want to be 'half a pair of scissors' or half a human, feeling totally hollow on the inside but I believe no matter how much agony we went through together -- him of course far more than me - in terms of being in an emotional chasm I have only just started the fall. I'm lucky to have had a therapist for the last few years since my mum died of cancer as do the kids for now, but I can't see any hope while at the same time I feel incredibly guilty about that as I'm alive and he is not. I also feel that the anticipatory grief I felt had to be suppressed as manifestation of it was upsetting my husband and would have made my kids feel they had no strong support left, given that they knew they were going to lose their dad. At the same time, having had a really strong and communicative relationship for 25 years my husband shut down emotionally as a defence mechanism to enable himself to keep going - receiving one piece of awful news after the next so I feel ive been alone for a lot longer than he's actually been gone. I wanted to think he would always be with me - even when we were separated by death - but now that it's happened I don't feel it at all and I cannot bear to look at photos of him or listen to voice mails or watch videos of him as it would hurt too much. I don't know if anyone can provide any reassurance as I know all in this community are suffering immensely, but It has made me feel slightly better just writing this out. Wishing a better and brighter future for all here - as soon as possible.
