A new me

I felt it was important to not rush myself. I have nothing to prove to anyone else. I am thinking about doing a power tool beginners class, and maybe an art course at college next month. It will cover mosaics, batik making, etc.

Hi SpiritintheSky, you certainly are not alone.

In my reply to PattyK about my Son, I love him to bits but there is a huge distance between us now. Our relationship is so different and it's just so sad. I feel that I'm up in a plane amongst the clouds looking down. Even some of my friends that were there in the beginning are not there so much nowadays. I find people don't know what to say to me and I'm the same with them. I can't handle talking about Roger it's too painful for me. It will be a year next month and like you I wonder if these feelings will change or is this me now?

My Son said that I should think about Counselling again, as I only had six sessions the end of last year and perhaps I should have more but sometimes It makes me worse! There is no magic potion and like Insanity Kate says, take your time learning how to survive. Each day is a new beginning.

Thinking of you all.

My son and daughter don't understand my grief, they lost a stepdad but they still have both parents so no experience of loss. That makes me feel distant from them. My daughter came to stay over the weekend, she brought me flowers but never once asked how I am. My son is so involved with his own life that he makes no contact for weeks. I think I'm finally learning to lower my expectations, to keep my feelings to myself and let them believe I'm okay. I feel sad that they aren't more caring, but their father is the same way, so why am I surprised? I can't change anyone else, all I can do is change how I respond to them.

I cant find the post but someone asked  about bereavement retreats. This is something I looked into early on. The widow coach Wendy Sutton does them but they are ridiculously expensive. I think thete are others but they were in tricky places and I dont drive. Of course there are Way up holidays and Jolly Dollies holidays but they arent for me. I have considered a solo retreat just in a random place but felt I wasnt ready yet and got scared if I got there and couldnt cope. 

Hi Malengwa, it was me that was asking if anyone knew if there was such a thing as a bereavement retreats. It was an idea I have been exploring, but I also do not drive. I have found some websites but haven't looked properly yet, but thank you though for replying. 

It is very difficult isn't it. Relationships which should be close are strained. We should be able to open up to family about how we feel, but they don't know how to deal with our emotions. They don't know what to say and I think they find it hard to know what is the right thing to say. I also think they don't like to see us get upset. It makes them feel uncomfortable because they really cannot grasp just how difficult we are finding it to cope without  our Person . I still cry every day as I have since losing my dear Husband. I still find it hard to accept that I'm never going to see him again. I would rather have been divorced than him not be here at all. My eldest son is so wrapped  in his own problems that he never phones to ask how I'm coping. Nobody mentions my Husbands name ..its as if he never existed.   I'm still trying to keep myself busy to avoid constantly thinking about what I've lost ,but there is no respite from the thoughts of him in every thing I do. It's exhausting. it can't be good to keep these emotions in. I'm still waiting to find out what therapy I'm going to receive. We really do need someone to talk to. 

It's the relentless day after day of this that is so hard and so tiring. The constant pretending to be okay when you really want to scream and cry and behave like a toddler having a tantrum. Pretending to everyone on some level, because they can't cope with the raw emotion of grief. We're protecting them from something we're forced to endure. 

I keep thinking about counselling. I keep looking for local counsellors as I don't drive (what a BIG mistake that's turned out to be!) but how do you find the right one? I had six group sessions which turned out to be a waste of time. None of the others want to stay in touch, which is hard when you've opened up to these women. They all seem to be too busy or disinterested. I don't feel I can risk opening my heart to the wrong person again. This is a minefield, and it seems to me I'm navigating it with no real help. I have a couple of good friends but they have husbands, which means they have NO idea how this feels. Thank goodness we have this space and others here who truly understand.

I have had a crap day, and haven’t stopped blubbing on and off all day. It normally happens when I do too much, and get over tired. I haven’t had proper break this year, as I don’t want to go on holiday without my husband. It all closes in, and my resilience gets depleted. The mosquito bites (5), haven’t helped. Time for a glass of wine, and more tears. 

Some days are like that, I think all you can do is go with it and hope for a better day tomorrow. Sending you a virtual hug because it sounds as if you need one. Enjoy the wine! x

I could have gone down the pub, but I don’t want to have to put the ‘Mask’ on. I am feeling better now, the wine helps. I live in a village and we are lucky enough to have a fish and chip shop, and a Spar. I will get some supper, and chill. Hugs to all. Thanks for your support.