A new me

Hi Breton, I feel exactly the same, you may have seen my other posts regarding my Son. It is so very hard!  At times I feel like I've lost both my Partner and my Son, if that makes sense? Life is so different since Roger passed last September and one that I don't want to be in but feel I must for our Son.

My friend at work told me about some therapist she was seeing through the University near us and how good she was. The students studying to be Therapists often are looking for potential clients as part of their placements. After seeing two different therapists; one through a Hospice and the other private, it was pretty clear that they were clock watching. Sometimes I find it hard to express myself and before I knew it, my time was up. I have contacted the University which is 20 miles away and I don't drive. However, they do offer online sessions and it is so much cheaper.

Just a thought that it might be worth contacting a local College/University. I'm trying everything at the moment to get me through and will keep you posted.

The clock watching seems to be a thing with counsellors, family and friends. Everybody has somewhere else to be. I think I've needed to talk with no time restrictions since David died, but never had that opportunity. Thank goodness for the journalling, at least I don't have to rush off half way through. 

I have only wrote in the note book two or three times. Not sure it helps much though. I blub as I'm writing. I've cried every day since my Hubby left me . Some times all day long. I'm sick of feeling so miserable. Even though I'm keeping busy with decorating the small bedroom which I really have no motivation for ,but the whole house needs decorating. So I just want to get it done and start doing other things. It would be lovely to be able to pay someone else to do the heavy work. There really does seem to be a shortage of support when we've lost our Special person. The saying "Time heals all wounds" is totally Crap. As time is passing I am not finding it any easier to cope , although I'm not having the Panic attacks as bad . But I take the Kalms  (Valerian ) if I have to go anywhere and feel that I might get upset. There are Bereavement groups around here ,but I don't really feel like going ,especially to the one at a local pub. I still hate listening to music and can't read the books I bought . Nothing inspires me . I just feel like I'm going through the motions every day.  

Aww bless you Bretton! Yes its hard trying to get on with things without your partner/spouse. I too feel I need to do something decorating wise in here but even after 3 years like you the motivation is just not there and there is always something that blocks me from doing anything be it my sister needs help or my son and daughter in law need help ( well thats the excuse) as I've said its good to be useful but sometimes I just wonder if this is all I am here for now to do for other people but have no incentive sometimes to do things for myself. I do like listening to my music it calms me down if I feel I am getting overwhelmed or start overthinking ( I do that a lot). Yes ideally it would be good just to get someone in to do things like decorating for you but when you are living on a limited income that can be hard too and most of the decorating friends my dad knew have all either passed on or are older now and some in ill health themselves. I like writing but I don't do journaling. I knit a lot too that can be very relaxing and I still go to the gym but somedays that can be an effort as well. Just take your time ma darlin' we've all been there and as you know grief has no time limit and you do what is right for you and of course you know we are all here for you when you need to have a good old rant. Take Care. 

Vicky x

I thought it would be a bit easier in the summer, better weather, gardening etc, but it's hard when everyone is having holidays and socialising and I'm stuck here alone most days. Just keep remembering all the lovely holidays we had, which makes me cry. Today I've felt panicky and scared, the realisation that this is my life, my future. The silence seems overwhelming, the empty house, the isolation, all those hours to fill until bed, then knowing I have to do it all again and again. I thought perhaps I was doing a bit better, but I keep going backwards. I feel hopeless tonight. I can't honestly see what there is to hope for. It all seems too hard. Sorry to be such a misery.

You would think the better weather , a bit of sunshine would help. I suppose it does a bit in some way if we go for a walk. But seeing couples is upsetting. Groups of friends and families in the park laughing and enjoying time together.I just keep thinking we could have gone out together , but it's just me and my dogs  It really hits home how much we've lost. But winter is worse ,I'm dreading it. Trying to get the house ready for the colder weather. I need to insulate the loft ,but after paying out for the Hospital and vets bill for our Collie I'm just scraping by . So it will have to wait until September /October . Another repair to the house needs doing in September. I never thought I would be in this position. After we worked so hard and tried to save  and money seems to just go out with little coming in.   You're not a misery , just very sad and lonely as we all are . I try not to put on here how bad I feel some days..I don't want to bring anyone else down. We are all struggling one way or another.