Memorials

They sound really horrible people, lacking dignity and empathy. I am sorry you have had to put up with their behaviour.  I had the situation where nieces, sister-in-law, didn’t visit once or call. I was disgusted, as we had supported them through my husband’s brother dying. It was shocking, as I could see my Paul was really upset by it. Too little, too late. They came to the funeral, but not the wake. They scuttled off as soon as possible. Let’s just say, I am not interested in staying in touch. Kate.xxx

I honestly don't understand why people are so horrible.  Sorry you had to go through that.  This is the thing, people don't seem to realise if they could just spend some time, say they're sorry,  it might not solve it, far from it but it wouldn't sting as much.  There's no way I'd forgive Nick's family but if they just said we've done this for Nick, here's a picture.  I don't know why I expect such kindness from them though, they've not shown it before

Some people are amazing, and some aren’t. I don’t want people’s pity, just some basic respect. We have all been through a major life changing event. It is still horrendous, at times. On a positive note, I spent over three hours having a coffee today, with a friend that I met at our Bereavement Group. The honesty, and support we give each other is fantastic. Sending hugs to all. Kate.xxx

This situation really shows people in their true light. Before David became ill I never had a very close relationship with his daughters, but now they are so kind and caring to me, texting and visiting, although I'm 70 miles away. My own children, who I thought would support me, have become more distant and just seem to hope or expect me to be ok. It's the same with friends; some are always checking in whilst others have disappeared. 

There is so much in the media about the need to talk about our mental health, yet still we don't have a clue how best to help those who are grieving. Death is still a taboo to so many people. 

I am so pleased you have support from your husband’s daughter’s. As we know, loss and grief are highly complex emotions. I was quite honest with our two adult children. I knew the only way I had a chance of surviving, was to, ‘Go with it’. That meant, (and still does) mean, being left to cry at will. I can’t predict when that will happen, and it is a release. As mother’s, our children want us to give them stability, and they want us to be there for them. I can’t do that if I can’t be my true self. I feel much stronger now for having this approach. They have never judged me, which has been really helpful. Sending hugs to all. Kate.xxx

I guess the difference is that my stepdaughters lost their dad, whereas for my two it was their stepdad, and not as close. I'm disappointed in mine, though they were great in the early days. I think you are right in that they want us to be the strong ones, which I always was. They don't know how to handle a mum who keeps crying. Your approach is the best one, to be yourself and not pretend. I think perhaps I need to do the same. Xx

I get that. However, you are the one that is going through direct loss. Sometimes, you have to put yourself first. As mother’s, we find this really difficult. It is in our DNA to put our children first. I didn’t have a choice. I had to prioritise my own emotional needs. I was, and I am still supporting and guiding them. I have also somehow managed to achieve other important stuff. I think I am extremely bloody minded, or stubborn, I am not sure which.