Panicky about the future

Hi Angela

Writing it does help as we all get it so can support each other.

You will manage as we all will, little by little, although it doesnt feel like it, I have to believe that I will gradually learn to live with this pain. 

Can you take some time to think about that huge decision?  My daughter keeps saying they could all move in with me but as much as I love them, I couldnt live with them. Do you think you could live with you brother and family? You would need to think about how busy family life can be, especially with children ( or are they grown up children?). Do they live near you?

There is such a lot to consider msking such s big move, take time to really think it over. Ive been told many times not to make life changing decisions ( eg like giving up my job) in the first year or so and that makes a lot if sense to me.

Yes I think fear of the future, a now very uncertain one is very common for us all. All I see is darkness. So I try not to look too far ahead and get through each day. Its exgausting though.

Do you do anything thats helps you get out or meet new people? Ive been doing a few things online as you start to feel less alone as you have a shared bond. I gavve been trying new things but find most of them too big and intimidating. 

Are you doing anything this weekend? Im home alone, housework, maybe gardening.

Hugs x

I can understand your fears . You do need to think long and hard about what is best for you. When my Hubby was alive he would often say my elderly Mum could come live with us when we moved. The idea was really to buy a house with a Granny flat joined on. Which meant if she wanted privacy , her own little kitchen and a bit of garden that was hers she still had it. But could join us in the main house when she wanted . She has her TV really loud so we couldn't have coped with that. She could have joined us for meals . so still having independence but always someone on hand when needed. As it is I had to rush to get another house so I didn't lose the sale on mine. This is not a Bungalow and has no downstairs bedroom or bathroom. My Mum lives in Yorkshire where most of the family live . She doesn't want to be far from our youngest sister. After many bad falls Our youngest sisters arranged for her to go in a care home for respite as much for them as her . But she was really unhappy and upset that they were planning on selling her lovely home of 50 years . She stayed in the Home for 5 weeks. It was lovely ,like a hotel. With activities , but she wasn't happy ,so has returned home for now . As she has just turned 94 . It is inevitable that she will have to go in a home eventually . I would happily have her live with me , but this house is not suitable for her needs . And she doesn't want to come here anyway. She has carers go in at the moment and sisters take turns staying over , but everyone has their own lives . Especially the 2 younger sisters are always going on holidays and short breaks and won't want to be tied. So if you would like to be closer to the family you could perhaps look into something like that . A little house/ apartment  next door  so you are close enough to pop in or call fore assistance . Or a shared house with a little space of your own joined on. Don't be rushed , but at least it sounds like they care . Hope you reach the decision that's best for you. Try writing down the Pros and cons in a list which may help you decide . 

You are not the only one. For me, it was and is at times, the feeling of being alone. When you have been married, or with some one for a period of time, it is a terrible shock to be on your own. That in itself, is a major adjustment, and cannot be rushed. How you feel now, may not be how you feel in six month’s time. Unless you have to make a major decision, I would wait. I know this sounds difficult to hear, but my experience has been that, ‘You can’t outrun the pain’. In a strange way it is a healing force, and a release. It took me roughly eight month’s to work that particular emotion out. My husband’s headstone was sorted yesterday. I will visit tomorrow with some lavender for the grave. Kate.xxx

No, I tried that Kate . When i moved I kept myself really busy , decorating , trying to sort through the boxes ( many still need sorting )  just to try avoid thinking about what had happened. I have varicose veins and they have gort really bad now with all the standing for long hours. So I've had to calm down. But either way no matter what we do to distract ourselves from our thoughts on this enormous loss, The grief ,pain and heartache is waiting for us. Most especially in the evenings. Even when I was away with my Sister in Venice for 4 nights , I still felt the overwhelming emotions, and cried a lot because I so wished my lovely Hubby could have been there with me . And I know how much he would have loved it . Though I do know it would have been very difficult for him to get about . With all the bridges and walking so far to see the sites. That's going to be emotional Kate going to visit your Hubby's grave and having the Headstone complete his place of rest. x

Hi Nic,

I think we are all anxious about what the future will bring us without our partners. A big decision to make and as Malengwa says take some time to think about it it is a big step. I think this is something all parties need to be in agreement about. I often wonder about that myself if there will ever come a time when I move in with my son and his wife but the size of their house is not practical for anyone else to stay as there not enough rooms. They are saying they want one more baby so they may have to move to a bigger house. At the minute it works for them as it's two girls they have so they will share a room. I pondered on the idea of having my sister come and stay with me when Jay passed but I abandoned that idea. I did say to Jay before he passed  I was thinking about it and he said it would be completely up to me. She has her learning difficulties and mental health issues and is very stuck in her ways as to how she does things and there are some things that I get annoyed with her at and I feel if I had that 24/7 it wouldn't work. So we have a little set up that she comes to me and maybe stays over a few nights maybe at Christmas or if she has an early hospital appointment one day so we just leave from here. She lives within walking distance from me in sheltered housing and there is a live-in warden on site and she has the alarm call system etc so I know she is ok. 

Its a hard thing to decide. Yes I do imagine you are missing Nic I can't tell you things will get better because we all grieve at different levels. I've not `disappeared` as you put it but have the feeling I have become `invisible` people sometimes know you're there but don't acknowledge it. I'm sure your brother and sister in law will have your best interests at heart if they want you all to move in together but at the end of the day the decision I think is really up to you and then ask yourself what would Nick want you to do. Good luck with whatever you decide. Sending you best wishes. Take Care. 

Vicky x

I hate bank holidays, I've been alone all weekend, although I've done bits in the garden

I listened to a video by Linda Falasco on the 5 common mistakes of widowhood. Actually it all made sense. We know you can't outrun grief but she also talked about grief waiting for you, if you're someone who just needs to keep busy all the time. I resonate with that expression. Yes she has a book but the 15 minutes didn't feel like a sales pitch. 

I preferred the ‘Go with it’ approach. For me, I feel that I am doing better now, because of this. It was constant pain in the earlier days, now I have some quality of life. 

 Yes I listened to her a while back. And it's very true. I tried keeping busy non stop just to avoid thinking and I was knackered . As soon as I stopped I became overwhelmed . Thought of my Hubby still crossed my mind , but we really cannot avoid Grief for long. I am not one to sit around normally ,But my legs hurt so much now i cant stand for long hours at a time , so when I do sit down the flashbacks begin. She is very good . She tells it as it is . I am sick of hearing people say  Grief is not Linear " It is used too often. Autopilot is the strangest feeling. I know it's a phase we go through when our body /brain is protecting us. I thought I had gone Mad . Gone back to listen to her speaking about the 1st year. It's the one before 5 mistakes. I'm sick of feeling this Crap . 

It seems we have no choice but to go with it in the long run. And it is so very painful. And seems never ending. 

I listened to her video about why months 6 to 12 are so much harder ( and then why year 2 can be harder than the first year).

It was reassuring in a way because Im definitely saying that Im feeling worse than I did 3 months ago. I definutely feel lonelier, sadder, struggling at work etc. It does feel reassuring to know that Im not going mad even though it feels like it some days.