One year today

You are not alone in your grief, we care. None of us choose to be here, yet we are. There is an honesty here, where we can express the truth and not be judged. Kate.xxx

Hello Sue , don't think you've rambled on. I seem to pour my Heart out and post more than anyone . I need to be able to talk to someone , But counselling has ended , and I have my older sister as some support but I can't really talk to her . Like my Mum she cuts me off and tells me My Hubby wouldn't want me to be so sad all the time and blame myself . My youngest son is fed up of me going over the same things which are going round in my head over and over . So it's all stuck in my head and I get no peace. I am just coming up to the end of the first year like you  and it's been absolutely Horrendous. Like you and most likely others here I have just tried taking one day at a time , not looking too far ahead . And it's been difficult to drag myself out of bed to begin yet another day without my other half who has left a big hole in my Heart . I never expected to go through so many overwhelming emotions as I have since this time last year. I thought Xmas would be a struggle and I just tried to ignore the fact that it was Xmas the first one in so many years without my Love. I knew April was going to be a bad month with all the Birthdays and our Anniversary. And it's lived up to my expectations. I'm reliving all the things that happened and things that were said .. and if only I were able to go back to early last year and change the way Events took him from us. I tend to fall asleep after eating a late dinner , drifting off as I sit in the chair . Wake up about 12pm -1am ,go to bed and then might not go back to sleep until 4 or 6am . Then I'm tired the next day. I'm glad you have had the good support of your family. I don't know about you or anyone else on here , but I still don't want to accept mine has gone ,even though I know he has . And I can't accept that I didn't do enough to keep him here . Because he was having such a bad time breathing with his lungs being so bad , I didn't realise he had a silent heart attack. And he didn't seem to either . It was when he went in hospital they told him he had . The Hospital staff weren't telling me anything . I asked for an update and the nurse said she had to ask my Hubby for permission to share details of his notes . I couldn't believe it . I had cared for him for 47 years . How can data protection apply to a Wife ?? Has anyone else experienced this ? I'm so angry about the way his condition was handled . I'm so angry at him for pretending things weren't so bad , And even more angry at myself for letting him go.    And you think you rambled on . I'm worse than anyone . Not coping well this month at all and next month is going to be worse. I really wish we could all get some Peace and much less Pain. xx

I 'm beginning to think I'm the one who is Insane . I feel I just can't cope with much more of this Excruciating and overwhelming grief. 

Do you think calling The Samaritan’s would help ?

I've thought about it a few times. I'm just so tired. . I keep drifting off to sleep. don't want to dream  about things again, Just woke up and I'm going to get to bed with my Electric blanket on. x

Hi Sue,

Sorry for your loss and well done getting past the first year that is the worst with all the `firsts`. You ramble on all you like - you and Breton its what the forum is for and at the end  we are all here for each other and all get.

xx

Aah thankyou for your reply. Well yesterday was the last of the firsts and I got through it, just. You are all so kind on here because I know you all get it. There is always someone to lean on and to listen xx

Hi Breton. Thanks for your reply. I get it all the things that were or weren’t said or done. And the blame could I have done something different and if I did would he still be here. Nighttime is the worst. I go to bed reasonably early but then I’m on my phone until the early hours, it’s so hard to accept the finality of it all. I keep myself busy during the day what with the house and the grandchildren. But at night when I’m on my own that’s a different story.

big hugs

sue x

Hi Pattyk.Yes you’re right, stronger together. Trying to approach this second year with a positive attitude. Let’s see how it goes.

big hugs 

sue xx