My husband passed last Saturday - I'm lost

That's a lot of work involved in planting veg. It must be lovely to be able to pick your own and  cook them. I've never had a garden with good enough soil for veg . Always seem to get a garden with a lot of clay as this one has . When it rains I have a little stream around it , So I've planted some Beech and Hazel bushes. hoping they will soak up the water which settles. I would like to put more plants in the back ,but the dogs have already chewed up some Clematis and even had a go at some dried twigs and grasses in a lovely big Vase I got from the Charity shop. I've bought a Wisteria which I planted yesterday ,but have had to surround it with a chair and little table until I can put some sort of guard or fence around it. It was a bargain for the size. I left two at the old house and it's been bothering me for the last year. I chastise myself for worrying about that , since I feel I left someone much more important who I can never replace in Scotland. 

I am new to this forum and reading your reply to Pattyk made me realise I wasn't alone in regretting how my emotions seemed locked down while looking after my husband Michael  in his final days. I find it hard to justify how detached I felt but when I read about your experience I find it easier to understand. You were in a state of shock you were probably exhausted trying to care for your husband whether or not you had support. The mind often does this to cope with the crisis and it's something you can't just snap out of. We can't have our time over and do things differently but in time I hope I and others will think of the lifetime of love that passed between us, the happy amazing times. I am not wanting to sugar coat or detract from the pain being experienced now but when I read 'The Madness of Grief' by Rev Richard Coles he talked about the importance of not letting the pain of our loved ones final weeks or months or things we wish we had done differently define our lifelong relationship.

It's 5 months since Michael died and I tend to say I am doing ok when people ask, I go out, I meet friends etc but most of the time I feel like an actor, listening to people sharing a meal a drink etc then I return home and wham I just want to sit in silence and wonder why I ever went out. Then I tell myself we are here and owe it to our partners to live as best we can and be kind to ourselves. I ask myself if I knew I was the one to die first what would I say to my partner - I would say something like - I know you might feel devastated, bewildered ..... but try to find happiness, contentment a safe space we lived and loved it was special and nothing can take that away from our memory. I think I am at risk of waffling on sorry.

Hello Nathan,

You're not `waffling` waffle all you like this is what this forum is for. I can relate to what you wrote so much. Take Care and look after yourself. 

Vicky 

• Hello Nathan, thank you for your post. It made me cry ..nothing new there it happens at some point every day. I still find it difficult to understand why I couldn't have made myself "Snap out of it " but I do realise that with everything that had been happening during my Hubby's last few years . It came to a time when I had found it difficult to cope . I was exhausted and had come to a point where I really didn't know what to do or say for the best . And many things I wish I had done differently . Yes I do get it that these things happen because Our brain is trying to protect us. But at the time I did not realise that I was functioning on Auto pilot . just going through the motions of caring whilst also shutting myself off from the pain and even confusion. I had cared for him for many years through chronic illness with no support . We have two grown up sons who would  stay with their Dad while I went to see my elderly Mum for a few days. But otherwise it was only me and him . I always said if I went first it wouldn't be long before he got someone else . He enjoyed the company of Ladies even though he was a Man's man and liked to be out with his pals  when he was fitter and before he lost so many friends. I think we all waffle on ..because others don't understand until it happens to them.

. 

Hello Breton

From Michael's cancer diagnosis some 5 years before his death everything was full on in action mode with hospital appointments in our case in Newcastle, Hull and Liverpool which were the NHS locations for a specialised form of radiotherapy. I think I had every motorway service station etched into my mind as I knew we would need to make frequent comfort breaks. I so recognise your description of being on auto pilot and no doubt that was useful on so many occasions just to get through the day. I guess I became a parent (for the first time) being the responsible one and it came at the expenses of not always being a good partner. Of course life goes on around you as well, the car breaks down the washing machine stops working etc etc. 

I hope you get to enjoy something this week no matter how small. Today I spent hours gardening forgetting the time it was like therapy. Virtual hugs to you.

Gardening is also what gives me some respite. We tend to concentrate on doing a job. I certainly think of the past and also what the future could / should have been like for at least a few more years. But I cannot sit for two long reminiscing what was. My youngest son and I are transforming the back yard as it is now into a garden for the dogs. I'm  quite annoyed with my neighbours bloody tree roots coming right through and across my land. Hah! it's not a big patch ,but I can't describe it as a garden yet. The trees are 40+ years old and more precious to my neighbours than our properties. No doubt they will also have the massive roots leading up to their house and extension too. It's damned hard work digging them out and cutting them off at the edge of the fencing ,but it has to be done in order to build a raised bed for plants and take up the gravel and replace it with a lawn for the dogs. But it gives my brain something else to think about instead of constantly ruminating on how we've been dealt a Shit card at the end of all the suffering. Gardening is certainly good Therapy and keeps us moving . I often wonder how everyone else coped day to day with their own Heartbreak. And I agree .it seems our roles change from what was a Partner ,soulmate to what felt more like a Parent caring for our poorly  Child. He often said "I'm not a child " It must be horrendous not being able to care for oneself and depend on others for practically everything . I know my Hubby hated his Existence. . What a sad ending to anyone's life. And leaves us even sadder when we are left behind. 

I feel sure that eventually 'Team Breton' will create a beautiful space let's hope the dogs appreciate it!

I was watching an episode of QI presented by Sandi Toksvig, one of her 'useful facts' was how the older we get the more inclined we are to say no when asked to do something by a friend. Today a friend of mine asked me to join her on an hour steam train journey (up north) fish and chips included. I was on the verge of declining then said yes provided I can bring a bottle of fizz. Tomorrow I am having a day out with a friend at the RHS gardens Harrogate so will hug a tree on the woodland walk!

Keep hydrated when your gardening it's going to be a warm few days at last.

How lovely . Both days out sound great. And I hope you can enjoy them. I thought you were going to say you declined the invitations. I wish I could feel some joy in  doing something like that. I feel I am such a miserable person now and far too serious. I sometimes try to hug one of the big Oaks in the park when I walk the dogs . When nobody is there. Considering the 10 day forecast I looked at last week said rain every day, its been sunny and dry most days. And even though I need to do jobs indoors , I would rather get the outside done while I can. I don't know why my comments have so many spelling mistakes when I look back at them. I keep trying to edit and make them right  ,but it's not working . 

Thank you Vicky and a Hello from me in the North East.

It's a comfort knowing people here understand thanks.