Hi All
I have been reading some of the posts on this forum, and I can honestly say much of what is written, i have also experienced.
I have anger, guilt, doubt, regret, I blame myself not only for things I think I should have done, but also for feeling so very sad even though I had many more years with my husband than the prognosis initially suggested. It is, I think, just the challenges of grief and our minds trying to come to terms with something our hearts will never get over.
I spend many days crying and then carrying on as if I am OK, when in reality sometimes all I want to do is follow him, but that is just a reflection of how deeply I miss him.
I am surrounded by love, by people, family, colleagues, but am lonely and lost and a shadow of who I was this time last year, Dal passed in July 25, sometimes it feels so long ago, sometimes it feels like yesterday, but all the time, the pain is like nothing I have ever experienced before in my lifetime.
I have similar questions to some of you, "how long does this last" "why can't I stop crying" "what now?" and I know that it will last forever and that one day, when the time is right the tears will become less frequent, and the only thing I can do is place one foot in front of the other, so for now, that is what I will do.
Grief is personal, and for some debilitating, and for me, almost 9 months in, it is life changing on so many levels. I am grateful to the Macmillan community, it gave me an outlet during Dal's illness, and offered me support, whilst I was able to offer some in return, so, I thought, I would just write this all down here, just maybe by way of assisting with the processing of such a overwhelmingly difficult time.
Thinking of you all, and hoping that light and love come to you and offers some solace when you need it most.
Lowe'
