Joined Way up

I have absolutely loads of Rom/com books which I really enjoyed reading in bed and they usually got me off to sleep eventually . Providing it hadn't been a stressful day. I can't remember when I stopped reading. It was before that fateful day. Its his Birthday tomorrow . I've regressed to meltdowns this month . Trying to escape the thoughts that we were still together this time last year . And wishing so much this was a year ago and We could /should have done things differently. I can't believe we were so stupid as to not realise things were serious this time ..... I doubt we are going to find who we used to be . Something  so Traumatic as this must change us . I can't even look to the future just now . Still having to struggle through one day at a time . I'm trying not to read as much about grief , or listen to so many Podcasts hoping they will help me understand how grief affects our body and brain. I'm trying to distract myself with gardening programs . Nothing works for long. The flashbacks with my Handsome Husbands face appear in my mind and I just crumple. If only there was a better way to cope . 

Everything now for me is an effort. Even the simplest of things I will take ages over deciding on and my overthinking has gone into overdrive. I've always been a bit of a pessimist always looking for something to go wrong and since Jay has gone I feel this has multiplied and its like a relief when something I have decided to do actually turns out alright. I'm a `if in doubt don't` kind of person but feel `I should` a lot of the time. 

xx

Breton, ive been quite wobbly this past few weeks, and we had Tonys birthday last Friday. This time last year he was doing well, even though he had beentold he had about 6 months. He was also going to outlive expectations, sadly didnt.

Pattyk, I have more difficulty with decisions too. Im sure its the brain fog reducing our cognitive capacity. I often tell people Id love to ban the word Should because there is no should anymore so I try not to tell myself that I should be doing abc, doesnt always work though. 

My biggest problems are the same ..overthinking and being negative. I tried so hard to be positive when we were trying to sell the house , but everything seemed to be against us . We made the wrong decisions . I tried doing the Manifesting thing. Asking the Universe for things to turn out right ...That didn't work !                               And I really hate it when people say  " things happen for a reason "   or " it was /wasn't meant to be " !!! How annoying are those sayings and others like them? Sometimes I can , or at least could in the past be impulsive . But then I started over thinking things and often came to the wrong decision. And then I  feel I pay the price.   By  the way everyone ..A word of warning. Don't use shopify on google . I ordered a garden storage bench in March and it never came . I sent 2 E-mails asking why. no answer . Looked for the tracking no. couldn't get it . They took the advert off on the comparison site .  I've contacted Barclays fraud dept.  But I doubt I.m going to get my money back. I'm so annoyed with myself for falling for such a scam.  In future I will only buy things from a  well known shop/store .  I can't seem to do anything right ! 

Not just me then Breton so glad to hear that someone else thinks the same as me. That's the good thing about this forum when you think its just you thinking as you do and you find out other people are thinking the same. I'm a terrible overthinker and sometimes get to the stage of actually talking myself out of doing something and since Jay has gone as I said I feel it has multiplied tenfold because I don't have his backup and input in deciding if I'm making the right decision on things so everything for me is just taking a chance now.  I don't use Shopify or Temu heard a lot of iffy things about Temu so don't use them. I stick to Amazon or Ebay but again I think you take a risk with everything you buy online regardless where you buy from but luckily most of my purchases have been fine. I use click and collect as well sometimes and just pick the item up from where it has been delivered. Life is just a lottery for me now but can't even win that.

xx

Another over thinker here! 
I make endless lists. I have a notebook full. With dividers  

I rarely cross anything off. Just keep adding. 
And a constant monologue of “if I do a, then I can get c done as well. But when will I do b. But e is more important. But d will be quicker”. 
Then do x.

My worst over thinking was when I got my parking fine. 
I must pay it now. If I don’t it will go up. Then they will send the bailiffs round and I’ll loose the house. And I’ll have to live in the car. 
Or. 
The smoke alarm battery needs changing but I haven’t any batteries. 
If I don’t go and find some (this at 2am) it will be Sod’s Law there will be an electrical fault tonight. And the place will burn down. 
And so will my neighbours. I will go to prison for wilful neglect. 

That’s my kind of over thinking 

Oh! my dog ! that's even worse than mine. A worry comes to mind and then a voice in my head says well if you do that ,this might happen . I never seem to make the right decision. I get on my own nerves because I just feel useless . Why can't I do anything right ?  It's a good idea to write things down though. Because at least that thought might be out of your mind until the next annoying thoughts pops up. If only our brain would give it a rest . Is it any wonder we are all exhausted.??? I just want to not have to think about anything. Just want some peace . Don't even get that when I go to sleep.  

Mine is, `But what if` that's the opening line. If I do that will this happen and then I'm scared I might cause a major catastrophe if I do something while trying to prevent something else from happening. You just can't win! I've taken to reading at bedtime Breton as I've mentioned already here. I like reading Biographies of famous people/celebrities. Right now am reading Henry Winkler's book (The Fonz `Happy Days- yes I'm that old). He has struggled with dyslexia all his life and it's amazing how he got through it all with his acting etc. He's in his 80's now. A lot I can relate to in what he has written because Jay was dyslexic as well so something else in common. I get loads of books now off Amazon and the majority are all free on the kindle reader so that's where I put them. The book thing works because I will start a chapter and by the end my eyes are just about closing. 

xx

I used to read every night to help me sleep. I really enjoyed the Rom/com books . Sometimes if I was worried I might get through up to 6 chapters  before I drifted off. As I've probably said I have boxes of books I brought in the hope I could get back into reading , but i can't bear to read about someone's romance . I did pick out a book on Hannah Hauxwell the Yorkshire farmer who never married and lived alone . What a hard life she had , no electricity or not running water . But only read a couple of chapters and don't know where I've put it now. We watched the Documentaries on TV years ago. She did end up going in a home . Looked her up and she died in 2018.  I think after the Documentaries she realised how much she missed company. I hope she had some happy years in comfort . Awesome books online are pretty good . they don't charge postage which makes a big difference. 

It seems that even our simple pleasures like reading or gardening are tinged with sadness now. I have always loved to lose myself in a good novel, but now I can't concentrate. I'm doing the garden, but the joy isn't there. Nothing at all feels right. I feel as if my world has had the colour drained away, and everything is now just grey. I feel disassociated from the world, as if I don't belong. I wish I knew a way to turn the colour up again.