Been awake for hours . What is it about waking up at 2 am or 4 am ? Besides Annoying . Dreamt about my Hubby and woke up upset. Still trying to go back and do thinks differently in the hope there would have been a different outcome. Still blaming myself for shutting down. The denial that stopped me getting him to Hospital sooner. Listening to Doctors instead of listening to my own thoughts. The Guilt of . I should have noticed,I should have done more . Asked him how bad things were. Why did he have to pretend he was no worse than usual. Maybe he was just used to feeling so Shite. Asking him now why he didn't tell me what to do? Wishing I could go back to this time last year when he was still here and I might have been able to prevent what happened. I really hate myself sometimes .
Anyway I went on Way up for the 1st time and saw someone had shared a Podcast video with Sarah Bell. I was trying to think of her name when suggesting the people who I found most helpful. She was speaking about the loneliness . We feel even in a crowded room And it really is True. And only those if us who are going through this really get it. And the Anger at what we have lost and can never get back. And seeing couples who still have a life together. I still feel a lot of Anger with myself ,with others and the Universe . I feel robbed of my future ,Our future together. Anyway Sarah Bell is worth a listen to.
