Joined Way up

I think they worry we will get upset and they won't know what to do if we are in floods of tears. If I do bring up a memory and it sets me off,then I have to leave the room . I don't like others to see me crying. My 94 year old Mum seems to want to shorten our phonecalls . And I don't want to upset her when I start crying ,which I try not to do. So I haven't called much this month ,as it's a bad month for me and I have been crying at the drop of a hat. I feel for my youngest son ,I know he is fed up with my crying ,but I can't help it and if I try to hold it in I feel worse. I've even been feeling a bit sick . I think it might be nerves or something. Does anyone else feel nauseous.? I know when the nurses took me in a room after my Hubby passed away I felt like I wanted to be sick. 

Yes, I feel sick quite often. Sometimes I cry so much that I think I might actually be sick. I just hate what my life has become without him. Everything seems so pointless; I go through the motions but there's no heart in it. Got my last group counselling tomorrow, that's the only time I'm honest about how I'm feeling, apart from here. After that it's all pretence I guess; living a lie. I truly had no idea it could ever be this bad.

I don’t bother to hide the tears. I have just finished a three hour crying session. I was quite happy watching a film on Netflix, and then they started. It happens quite often, and I am used to it now. I let them roll. It is the only release I have. Hugs to all. Kate.xxx

I know Spirit. And really the counselling is not long enough. I feel like I'm left hanging. of course I know there are lots of others going through the same thing, but what are we  supposed to do when they are ended?  Have you felt a relief after the sessions?   I have tried lots of things to help myself . Listened to Podcasts until I'm sick of them. Now watching gardening programs. I tried sorting the brick shed out today as it was dry for a few hours. Not really achieved anything I feel. But I do need to go through the boxes one at a time. and really take some things to the Charity shop. I've been told there is a group who meets in the pub with a Vicar , Really don't fancy that. And there is one in a village about 15 mins. away by car. At a church  cafe . I really can't bring myself to go alone. I'm really at a loss to what to do with myself. 

Me too. I need to talk, but don't know who to talk to or where to find someone. Everyone seems to be so busy, they all have these full lives while mine is now so empty. There really should be more help for people in this situation. 

I stopped my PTSD counselling as it was to intense at the time. Wanting me to clinically go over my beautiful Valen’s going. Like I don’t relive it every day. I understood that the counsellors aim was to desensitise me to it, but you just can’t remove the horror like a switch. 
The best help was the GP mental health nurse. 
Like you say, there are so many of us going through this, with so few counsellors, but we really need long term help.

I went to a couple of different groups, but they were all lead by religious people. 
Nothing against people’s beliefs. But I am not religious and found some of what they said unhelpful, if not upsetting.

As an aside, after I was given the all clear from my own cancer, all mental health support ceased and I felt like I had been cast aside. I still needed help adjusting to my new life and felt abandoned. It was Valen who got me through it.

I watch over and over and over every series of Bake Off, Sewing Bee, Pottery Throwdown and if they are on certain films which I have seen so often I can watch without the ound or nodding off. Very rarely do I watch anything new.  
People keep recommending programmes and films but I just can’t concentrate enough on them. Though I did manage The Other Bennet Sister. 
Today it’s been old faithfuls Jurassic Park and Predator with Throwdown in between.

I thought I was mad watching old tv programmes over and over. With me it's the Waltons and Ballykissangel, things I never watched with David and they have no bearing on my current reality. Total escapism. I struggle to concentrate on reading now, other than books on grief. Do you think this will pass? Will we ever find the people we used to be? 

1. As a non believer in the "Bible Stories" although I had to go to church as a child. I actually find it offensive when Religious people start shouting their unfounded believe. I have to check myself if Jehovah's call at the house and try to be polite and say I'm not interested. Personally I find they are brainwashed. I have a good friend and have had other friends who are Catholics. But they aren't Goody goodies. And I wonder if they truly believe. Anyway that's their choice and so long as they don't discuss it with me . I've read Americans comments saying our dear loved ones will rise again and return to us...Really ???  what rubbish and it gets me angry .                               That's awful that you had no further support from the Nurse .                                                           I too relive the last days of my Hubby's passing. I could see he was shocked once he knew he wasn't going to leave that hospital room. I dreamt about it last night ,and immediately on waking I felt drained and desolate. That sounds so harsh to expect you to go over the details of Valens passing. Makes you wonder if they have had a similar experience . Because there seems like there was no Empathy. Trauma surely cannot be fixed with such extreme therapy. I wish there was an easier answer .

One new aspect of me I find hard to take is struggling to make decisions. 
Never had a problem before. But now I can deliberate for hours over simple things. 
Today I paced the garden for well over an hour trying to decide whether to drive to Sainsbury’s or walk into town. I even wrote a pros and cons list!  Decided town. 
Then spent another half hour trying to decide which jacket to wear! 

Even should I have tea or coffee. Shall I light a smelly candle. What socks to wear. 
It’s driving me nuts. I hate hate hate it.

According to the Widow coaches who have been through the loss of a Spouse , this is very common. Not sure if it's still brain fog or loss in confidence . As we would probably discuss what we were going to do each day with our Special person. Now they aren't here we have to think about what would be the best option. It just shows how connected WE were . Now very sadly It's I . Bloody Horrible !