Joined Way up

One of our really lovely neighbours had some form of stomach cancer. She beat it the first time around , and got herself fit walking and lost weight. Then it came back with a vengeance about 18 mths later . It was round Covid lockdown and it was a long time before she got an appointment to see anyone . Her Husband tried desperately to get her in Beatson Cancer Hospital. By the time she got a scan it was found to be everywhere . Her Husband was marvellous ..he cared for her at home right to the end . She died on his Birthday . That's his day ruined . My friends Husband died on mine. It was bad on the road we lived in Scotland ..so many people lost their battle with cancer on the other side of the road from us. I was beginning to think there was something in the water .

I listened to that podcast by Krista st German, about things not to say to a widwo, and yes its good, worth a listen. Then I did her 'grief assessment' actually wish I hadnt, I watched her masterclass. Furst half or so was very good but then she launches into her sales pitch for her widow coaching course, and it actually really annoyed me. People are so vulnerable when they are quite recently widowed, it would be easy to feel ' I must need this' and then part with $8000 for her course. Why should help be so ridiculously expensive, money that many widows just dont have even if they wanted to.

Im afraid its put me right off. 

Its Tonys birthday today, I feel pretty low, but this actually irritated me. 

Sorry for that rant...

Oh' So sorry that upset you Malengwa. I get what you mean. Makes me wonder if some of these Widow coaches think we have come into a big insurance windfall after losing our precious person. . I certainly didn't . We never took out life insurance as we know from experience how they hate paying out. My friends Husband took out what was a premium insurance , but as he had a Heart attack they didn't pay out. My Husband had so many ailments that we didn't believe they would pay up either when it came to it. He had to pay a lot into his works pension as it was a risky job. and we just made ends meet as it was, with not that much to save in case of emergencies. She has actually stated that anyone who really needs help can get a Scholarship I think she calls it  at a reduced price. All the coaches I listen to on the Podcasts do the same though . And i think it's way too expensive for me , when I have so much that needs doing on this house . Even Cruse and other voluntary counselling asks for a suggested donation. Comparing what Therapy / counselling would cost to go privately. My youngest sister has just put her house on the market and it has been valued at double the amount we got for ours last year . We more or less did a swap in cost of houses + a little bit more to secure this one . Then the cost of 4 surveyors for houses we had put offers in that we had to pull out of , and the survey and estate agent fees + solicitors took a massive chunk of our small savings. I just ignore the sales pitch. and listen to the Podcasts.

Yes, I can imagine how painful it is for you Today as much if not more than most days . I've been a wreck this month ,what with our 48th Anniversary + 2 years as a couple . And his Birthday coming up in a few days . I haven't missed a day without crying for him. Blaming myself for not taking him to Hospital sooner . on 10th April last year we went out with our family for a meal , to mark his Birthday and our 2 nd Grandsons which is also Today. But after only about an hour we had to go home because he was feeling bad . It was normal and I just thought it was the pain in his spine that he was suffering, he didn't tell me any different. But I should have asked .  I can' t think of anything to say to you about this day for you . Except that I wish we all still  had our Special person who we probably loved most in our World were still here with us alive and well. It's Bloody Sh1£e !! But  I hope you have a friend or family with you to support you Today. Unless you preferred to be alone with your thoughts . x 

Thanks breton, my daughter and famil have come over for the weekend, my grandson is helping in the garden, the many jobs I just cant do on my own. We went out for a meal. Last time we all went out was Tonys birthday last year, where he was actually doing quite well. It was ok, we just ralked about him which was nice as I dont really have many people to talk about him with.

I agree coaches perhaps think we are loaded, in fact Krista says so in her video, that she ended up with more money than she really knew what to do with. We didnt have life insurance either, I only work 2 days but thankfully do get a small portion of his pension otherwise I would be just using savings to live. Ive got a few years to go before I reach state pension age.

Yep its rubbish, this life we are forced to live.

Exactly.

We were told they had got everything after my beautiful Valen’s surgery where they took hours longer as they found more tumours than expected and had to wait for a chest surgeon. Then his radiotherapy with horrendous side effects where the skin on the right side of his face literally peeled off. 
Cutting his accessory nerve in his neck (the same as happened to me after my thyroid cancer surgery) so he had much reduced use in his right arm.

All this borne with patience, bravery, uncomplaining positivity. 
So when they said his treatment had been successful we naturally rejoiced and began planning our new future. 
4 months later told it was back, aggressive, widespread and terminal. 
3 to 6 months with chemo. 
4 weeks later he traumatically went. 

I will never stop asking myself how could they have got it so damn wrong?

Jay passed two days after our wedding anniversary. Our wedding anniversary was the 21st June- the longest day no less, how did that happen?- but as I've said already he probably wouldn't have known what day it was in the end with the way he was. It was as though he wanted just to hang on for that one last anniversary with me before going. So I don't forget our wedding anniversary in hurry now. 

xx

Exactly. We were told 18 months to 2 years, it was 5 months. My darling Paul wanted to know the truth as we had sold the house, and had to make a decision whether to exchange or not. He wanted a timeline. They had all of the scan results, and they got it massively wrong. He just couldn’t understand it, and suffered more because of this. We wanted to downsize, and simplify our lives. There was no chance of that. I had to make that horrendous decision not to move. I couldn’t leave us in that vulnerable state. He told me he was ‘Bitterly Disappointed’. It was heart rending. I will never forgive them for that. They are meant to make accurate, professional judgements. 

Makes you wonder just how much these Surgeons and Doctors do know. Our Doctors surgery was manned ( sometimes no Doctor at all ) mainly by Locums. Some with more experience than others. I remember one female Doctor was humming and ahhing about even coming out to do a home visit. She just wanted to do a Telephone call,but he could hardly breath to talk. Twice She rang and then suddenly a Male Locum Doc. came to the door and I complained to him that She wouldn't come out. He wanted Hubby to go in Hospital ,but his immunity levels  were so low I was worried he would pick up something else ,so I nursed him at home and with his machines and meds. he got better . I expected this to happen last year. I had previously nursed him through double Pneumonia . But it wasn't to be . Maybe if I had taken him to Hospital instead of the Doctors they could have got him better. That goes around in my head constantly. 

It helps when family will talk about your Husband. Mine don't say anything about their Dad and Grandad .My Sisters don't either . Not that I hear anything from the two youngest. Well then perhaps Krista ought to drop her prices a bit. I can understand they do need paying cos' they probably put a lot of hours in. And I don't think I could do it. So depressing listening to everyone's stories of doom and gloom . I get sick of my own. 

My step daughters like to talk about their dad, but I don't see much of them. I'm having memory bears made for them from some of his shirts. My children don't keep in contact much, haven't heard from my son since Mothers Day. I'd really like to talk about David, not sad stuff, just memories of him, but people seem uncomfortable with that. Strange world isn't it?