The loneliness is one of the hardest aspects of this. I haven't seen anyone over easter, despite having two adult children and two step daughters. All busy with their own lives I guess. I know they care, in their own way, but none of them knows how to deal with a mum who is grieving. Just a text helps, but no contact is hard, and I'm too stubborn to make the first move, I don't want them to see me as needy. Thank goodness for two wonderful friends who are supporting me, although both live a distance away.
People suggest 'joining a club' but that's not easy when I still struggle to leave the house some days, and I've lost so much confidence since my husband died. Everyone seems so busy nowadays, I'm not sure anyone is too busy to send a text though. I think we have to learn to depend on ourselves and others who are going through the same depths of grief.
That's ok Breton you rant all you like this is what this forum is for. Yes I get most of what you wrote. I was very much in denial when Jay was deteriorating some days he just looked like his old self although confined to bed and I think that gave me false hope that he was getting better but sadly not to be. Two weeks before he passed he was sitting up in bed (with the help of a back support) scrolling through his phone and watching him do that made me think well he wouldn't be able to do that if he was that ill but his appetite was just more or less non existent he ate like a sparrow at the end and that was never him because he loved his food. He was a big bear of a man and just reduced to a mere shadow of himself at the end on one occassion he did try to get out of bed but fell because he had no weight bearing on his legs and this resulted in me having to call out paramedics to get him back into bed again because although he was that thin he had no energy to pull himself up so I had to wait for about 40 minutes for an ambulance crew to come out I remember and just felt so helpless that I couldn't do anything and just had to throw a duvet over him to keep him warm until the paramedics came and this all the time with him shouting at me `I'm not going to hospital`!!
I agree. It is a painful experience, and extremely hurtful. I have friends for over 25 years, and now I feel that they can’t see me. They can’t cope with the fact my Paul has died. Other, true friends have been amazing. I am not a needy person, and have always been extremely supportive to them. Personally, I have found it quite shocking. I don’t want anyone’s pity. Sod them. I will do things at my own pace. Sending hugs to all. Kate.xxx
I can relate to that, Tony was shuffling to the loo with a frame until 2 days before he died. Even chatting and playing on his phone. He was skin and bone by then.
Spirit, i guess we didnt really have couples friends as such, i do find it hard though when Im with other couples and they are telling me about their adventures and plans, I think they just dont get that we dont have those any more. I avoid people who just tell me to just get on with, get a dog or other inane things, they still upset me.
I am trying, bit by bit to be ok with my own journey and its time frame, its hard sometimes though.
Jay had all those aids too Malengwa the walking frame, the rollator ( the one with wheels) and they even supplied a wheelchair which he never got to use and just lay in the boot of the car all of the time and they gave him a shower seat too he did get to use that a couple of times. Yes it is hard when you hear of other couples `plans` and it just seems all so unfair because it was maybe something both of you wanted to do and as you said you can't anymore. Cancer just takes so much from us.
It's very hurtful when that happens . I can understand it' s maybe a bit awkward for them not knowing what to say. But I couldn't turn my back on a friend like that. We had even booked a lovely holiday to Spain with my friend ,the Widow of my Husbands best friend . We were getting excited to go and then it was cancelled just as the COVID Pandemic started . Jet 2 offered us a credit note which we refused ,because we had no idea how long the lockdown was going to be. Could not risk going anywhere with my Husbands low immunity levels and Lung condition. Once things got back to normal he wasn't too well ,so we never booked again.I didn't want to fly abroad with him in case he contracted anything . even a cold would make him very ill. But we've always kept in contact. Although she hadn't seen my Hubby for a few years . I haven't seen her since my Birthday last year ,but we chat regularly. I had another friend who lost her Husband about 10 years ago and she would come and stay with us ,and came to visit with her Mum and Dad one year and a few years later with her lovely daughter. Sadly she died 3 years ago from Pancreatic cancer. Tragic. It seems to happen a lot though that some couples drift away after 1 Partner dies. Obviously they are not good friends .
My Husband was quite a big chap as well. He was quite fit when I met him ,despite having Asthma He joined The Fire Service . Which he shouldn't have done . We were only married 6 months when he had an accident at work and damaged his spine. His health gradually went downhill from there. He did well to stay in the job until retiring sick at 45 years old. He hadn't been a manual fireman for the last 20 years or so. He worked in the Fire prevention Office. He started with Heart problems at 25 years old. But the Meds. kept it under control. He found it difficult to exercise though and easily put weight on. Nobody understood the chronic pain he suffered. No scar to show . He was so brave. Before he went in Hospital he was hiding how bad he was . As he was ill such a lot and so it was normal for him to spend a lot of time in bed. The day before he died he was messing about trying to make me laugh and I thought there was hope he was recovering. It did cross my mind I've heard people have a good day before they die, but I pushed the thought away. The next day I got the call from one of the Doctors saying he had taken a turn for the worse. And I knew it was the end. I held his hand and kissed him . His hands were so frail and thin , He looked peaceful. They must have given him something or put him in an induced Coma I think because there was no response. Until he coughed and he left me. And that will stay with me forever.
That's Terrible Spirit. Don't feel too proud to call them . I know it should be them calling you. Visiting all of them . Or at least a phone call and send flowers. I have our youngest son staying with me until he can start his new job. He doesn't know what to do with me when I cry every single day, sometimes most of the day. I don't want to go out. I missed 2 weeks of Yoga ,couldn't beat to go myself while my sister is in France. My eldest son doesn't call much. I text him . He sent a lovely Or hid plant through the post for Mother's Day. He is suffering depression still and so doesn't really want to talk. I think I am going to have to call him. I have two other sisters who barely keep in contact . One of them I have never really got along with. They are always busy with their own lives. I only ever heard from them when they want something anyway ,so I'm not that bothered You can choose your friends ,but not your family. At least you have some very supportive friends . x
I would probably suggest getting a cat (easier) or dog for company . I wouldn't be without mine . I would have more if I had the energy,Money and space. I used to reduce when we lived in Spain. Both mine are from Spain and youngest sons are rescued from Abroad as well. They are tying I know. But I might take more holidays with them now. Have you ever had pets?
Not really, kept rescued chickens for years, but cant manage them on my own. Im both scared of and allergic to dogs, and allergic to most furry things. Not everyone is a doggy or catty type person, so its not a natural suggestion in my head.
