Alone

I'm so sorry about your husband.  Three weeks is so early.  Your head will be swimming.  You're not alone we are all here to listen and everyone on here is lovely.  Keep talking it does help a little bit.

Have you got anyone around you?  I know I struggle a lot with being alone, its been my biggest fear.  I've had to stay with my brother and sister in law as I couldn't cope alone.  Then I have the problem of going home and walking into it all.  Its hard.

Try to eat a little and rest when your body says.  Sending hugs 

Hi Carod.. 

So sorry for your loss. Three weeks is very early days for you and your head will be all over the place. You'll have thoughts of shock, anger, disbelief etc which are all natural. Just take things a day at a time for now and lean as many of those as you can for support. I am just over two and half years in from losing my husband to bowel cancer so I am like a sort of `veteran` to this forum compared so some that are only months in from losing their partners/spouses. I still have my bad days/weeks even after all that time. Something will happen that I wish he was here to share with me but he's not. He missed our son getting married last year and the birth of our 2nd little granddaughter last October. He was here for the birth of our first granddaughter who just started school last August but he only got to see her first two years.  There is no `time limit` for grief and we all go through it differently. At this stage I won't tell you things will get better because right now you will be coming to terms with your loss and it somehow won't seem real. 51 years together is a long time. We were together for 40 years. Just keep coming here when you feel the need to. It's a place no one wants to be but here we are and we are all a good support for one another and `get it` with what you may be feeling if you feel you can't confide in anyone close. Take care of yourself and sending you Best Wishes. 

Vicky x

Hi Carod,

 I am sorry you are on this crap path. It's still very early for you.  You just have to try and do the basics. Trust me I know this can seem hard. Eat, drink plenty of liquid if you are crying a lot you will be dehydrated. Try and sleep.  If you have support please use it. Feel free to rant or ramble on here,  I am afraid we all understand. 

Take care 

Hi carod

Im sorry to read about your husband, you are in the right place here as we all understand.

3 weeks is no time at all, youve probably only just had or about to have the funeral if there is one. These early weeks can go by in a blur as there is so much stuff to deal with if you are doing it yourself. Then it can be Well what now? 

Its ok to cry, I still cry most days, after 6 months since my husband died. Grief is exhausting so try to eat and rest when you want and need to. Lean on any family or friends you have, they can be a godsend. I spend a lot of time alone which I find hard.

Just chatting here helps you feel less alone and connects you with others who are going through this in their own way. 

Big hugs for you x

Hello Carod, So sorry you are in the position that you needed to join this group. We can be surrounded by family ,but still feel lost and alone. At first I was in denial before and after losing my Husband. I think the shock does that because it's too much to take in and bear. Our Hearts are broken  and our brain is trying to comprehend what's just happened to us. You might feel in a daze at first. ,,At some point the Anger will creep in. I still feel angry. As much with myself for not picking up on how bad my Husband was. He was a very poorly man with lots of health problems. And he rarely complained. Sometimes I wish he had ,then I would have known to get him to the Hospital sooner. And now I have that guilt to carry that after so many years of caring for him ,I let him down at the end. You might be surprised at the different emotions that can be overwhelming. You aren't going mad . Grief hits us in all different ways . Our brain has to try make sense of what's happened . You probably thought you were coping because you felt numb and in shock. It's normal. My sister told me Mum I was doing well. She had no idea what was going on in my head and body. When the sedatives wore off I felt the panic . And started crying. Some people try to hold back the tears . Something I can't do. And it does no good to hold it all together . We have to let it out. I tried distractions for the first few months. There was a lot to do as we were in the process of moving house. But much as we try ,there is no escaping Grief. I hope you continue to have good support . Not all of us have had enough really. Try to be sure to keep hydrated and when you feel like eating something / anything , try to make it nourishing . Anything you fancy as long as it's something to give you strength. Take each day at a time ,that's all you can do just now. x

I was the opposite Breton. I wanted Jay to go into the hospital but he didn't and kept telling me not to phone anyone but of course I didn't listen to him and just as well as it `saved` him 3 times from sepsis but unfortunately the 4th bout took him along with the terminal cancer. He wanted to pass at home but in the end that was just not possible and he just became very weak and I just had to get him help which resulted in him having to go back to hospital where he just passed in the end. 

xx

Its only 3 weeks today, but Friends invite me round. But I make excuses as im not a couple any more,so find it hard for my friend of 55 years, who still has her husband. She doesn't understand, I dont feel comfortable, as both husbands would natter. As we would. Im struggling today, being a bank holiday, sitting at home alone. 

1. I'm afraid I had already shut down when my Husband had started feeling worse in a different way. It took me a while to realise this . As I felt disconnected in some way. Like I was looking out from someone else's body / mind. I know it sounds strange cos' it's hard to explain.I still looked after him. But I just seemed to be on autopilot. I realise now that after 3 years of trouble with the Abuse I had from neighbours ,then my son staying after his separation and him being depressed . Then on top of that the many problems we had with selling the house ,being let down twice when we thought we had sold . Then the first and second house we put offers on ,Both unbelievably had subsidence. You just couldn't make it up. A friend and neighbour lost her Husband 7 months before and I was trying to support her.Never thinking it was soon to happen to me as well. While my Husband was slowly deteriorating  I think it all just got on top of me . And I missed things I should have realised it wasn't just the other health problems he had ,it was his Heart failing too. I think he knew his time was almost up. He had been in Hospital 2 years before and signed himself out after 3 days. I knew how much he hated Hospitals and the nearest one was over an hour away . So visiting was difficult when there was nobody to see to the dogs . And I was exhausted ,falling asleep at the wheel too often. Lucky not to have caused an accident. But I cannot excuse myself despite all this for not pushing harder for the Doctors to do more. My family say it comes to a point where they can't do anymore . His body was giving up. I was there at the end when he took his last breath And that awful traumatic image stays with me . I relive it in dreams / nightmares . So sorry for the long rant. I should be putting this in a Journal. It's been so Shite . I keep asking why did we deserve this ? Why did he have to suffer so much , for so long ???? I know others suffer badly as well. And I try to think about that. But all I keep thinking is if I made him go to Hospital sooner he might still be here .... though still suffering. 

1. It is thoughtful that friends are still inviting you round . But it would be better if it was when their Husband was busy elsewhere. They won't realise how difficult it is for you seeing they have their Partners / Husband's . My sister keeps asking me over and I've been once ,but have just declined for my Birthday. Her Husband isn't that nice anyway. But it does make us sad knowing we will come back alone  to an empty house. I was used to going places alone most of the time as my Hubby was too poorly to go most places . And so I had to get someone to stay with him on the rare occasion I went out without him. They really don't understand how we feel. My Best friends Husband who was my Hubby's best friend died 11 years ago. So it must have been hard for her. Though she was the one who would usually ask to Come visit. I really don't know how she coped. She has a twin sister who has been supportive ,but not really anyone else in the family. No Children. I sometimes feel that we weren't there for her enough. We were the same . Girls talking or making a meal while the men chatted or watched a football match. Perhaps you could ask your friend  to come to  you one day or evening. It is lonely even if you are in a crowded room. It's been 10 months for me and I still don't want to socialise. I go to Yoga with my sister . that's all I manage . Is there a group or Activity where you could go with just your friend? We are all struggling still and know how you feel. Try to find something that might interest you a new hobby or something you might already have done. It's still very early for you and it takes time to adjust to our new situation. 

Hi Carod, I lost my husband 5 weeks ago.  It's very early days for us both my husband’s funeral was on Thursday and I thought I'd feel some kind of relief, I haven't it seems harder atm. Know we are all here for one another. I'm fairly new to this but I do take comfort that there are others out there who are going through this too. Its good to have support. Thinking of you and sending you y love. X