Mad?

Sounds perfectly normal to me. I scoured my phone and saved every voicemail my wife ever left me, just so I could hear her voice. If it makes you feel in any way better, just do it!

Yes its all normal. After 3 months I have finally arranged for the hospital bed to go. It has been exactly as it was when they took him awaay. I know the 8 weeks we lived in our living room was a small part of our lives together, but it was the last weeks and getting rid of it has been a big deal for me. I am sure I will sob my heart out tomorrow when all his medequip stuff is collected. But it was the right time for me.

I dont drive and havent got rid of the car. Ive changed ownsership to me and declared it off road. But it houses his mobility scooter and I dont have anywhere to put it and yes it will make me sob when it does disappear from my drive.

You need to be ready, only you will know when that is. I have had to trust my instict that I would know when I was ready. Not anyone else. Me. And you will know, bit by bit when that time is. It might be something small, like tidying up some clothes, putting something in a cupboard, washing his clothes. Ive tidied Tonys clothes but am not ready to part with them. Not yet

And yes I talk to him all the time.x

Hi Spirit!

Yes that is very normal and if it gives you a lot of comfort at this time why not? There is no time limit for when you `should` get rid of your loved ones things- if at all and as I said if you feel a comfort with this just keep going with it. When my hubby passed I got rid a lot of his clothes but it was clothes which were still in wrappers he had never worn(he wasn't that fashion concious but I tried) and I had never seen him  in them so they went to selling sites. Its the things I have seen them in that I am still finding hard to part with even after 2 years. He had a bodywarmer I bought him and a fleece jacket that still hang in the wardrobe he wore these regular so there is a wee attachment to them. I still have his ashes they sit in a corner  on a unit in the living room in a Union Jack urn as I don't know what to do with them I keep his picture by the urn and speak to him regular. The union jack urn signifies the colours of his favourite football team Glasgow Rangers red,white and blue. I used to scoff at people who kept their loved ones ashes and found it creepy but I do get it now. I also have a picture of him in his coffin with his Ranger shirt on. I know that may well sound creepy but he just looked so beautiful and peaceful and free from all the pain he had been going through I just wanted one last picture of him and I have it on my phone just for me to steal a little look at every now and then and yes, speak to him. But you do what you feel is right and what gives you comfort and no you are not going mad you're grieving and if this helps then as I said why not and just keep it going for as long as you feel. Take Care. 

Vicky x

I totally agree about being ready, not being pushed into anything. I need him to still be in the present somehow, not relegated to some dim and distant past. I need to talk about him too, and that's hard when people don't seem to want to; that's why I talk to him and write to him. I guess I'll stop that when the time is right. Thankyou for your words x

I get everything you've said there Vicky. There's comfort in keeping things as they were before, we need that when so much in our lives has changed. This is a very personal journey, for everyone. It really helps having so much support here, thankyou for sharing x

I envy you in some ways: when my beloved husband died (peacefully but quicky and unexpectedly), I was very aware that he had gone: he went from being very vital and rosy-cheeked to being empty and yellow. I couldn't question that he had died and that whatever 'life' is, had been extinguished. I live alongside the sense of loss and extinction. I sat with him in the funeral home for an hour and tried to talk 'to' him, but it didn't feel right for me. His ashes are next to me in the living room but I can't talk to them: and I do wish I could. 

Well then Vicky, I’m creepy alongside you!
I have a picture of my beautiful Valen in his coffin on my phone.
All that horrendous swelling around his neck and lower face, the droopy lip and eye - all melted away, just a very slight puffiness, as though never there.
Beautiful again. 

I have some videos of him on my phone but they were taken the 2 weeks before he was taken from me. I have only played them once as his breathing sounds just awful and laboured. He is moving very slowly and unsteadily. They are not something I can bring myself to watch or listen to again yet, if ever. But they will not be deleted. 

I have another photo of him on my phone which I have only looked at twice. 
Sitting upright in a chair, sleeping, wrapped up in the blanket I have around me right now. 
I took it 4 hours before he was ripped away. 
I, we, had not a damn clue he was going to leave. But I am glad I took those photos.

And Spirit, I messaged my Valen almost every night for about 2 months. Telling him how much I missed him. Asking him to come home.Then every few days. The last time was about 8 months ago. 
I move his casket from the conservatory, where he his prime view over the garden and can watch tv with me, to the bedroom every night and back in the morning. 
Every night I stand in front of him and tell him about my day. 
I can’t see that stopping. He was very anxious not to be separated and scattered in different places.

Some of his items he sorted out himself when he was given 3 to 6 months (we got 4 weeks), some I did in a frenzy after 3 months. Some I have and will deal with at some time. Some things will never go, like his passport. 
His toothbrush is still in the bathroom and his “sloomy at home clothes” still neatly folded on top of the drawers.

It’s so very surreal. I know he has gone. I know he is not coming home. I know he does not need these items. I know he isn’t watching tv with me. Neither of us are religious, 
And yet I can’t believe, accept, understand he has gone. 
I know you get me and what I mean.

Basically, you are normal. You are not mad. You will know when the time is right to do things. There is no rush. No time limit. And if you say “I will move his clothes today” but can’t. Don’t.

Hugs to all x

Hi wesurvived

We all deal with grief in our own way and everything we do or dont do is ok. Talking to my Tony manifests itself in different ways. In some ways its like talking aloud. I dont sit with his ashes on my knees, I just talk aloud as if he was still here. Sometimes Ill say Hey Tone and then say whatever it is. I say it aloud rather than think it. Sometimes its just routine things like " better do the washing up"

But if it isnt right for you, thats OK too,  you will have your own ways. If you feel like you want to talk to him but cant, you may find it will happen one day without you even realising. 

Oh Thank goodness for that Mrs VT. Not just me then. Yes he looked lovely in his coffin with his Raangers shirt and scarf round his neck and as you say all the pain and anguish had just left his face and looked as though he was just in a deep sleep. I don't have any videos or anything of him just a few photos of him sitting up in bed with glasses on scrolling on his phone exactly two weeks before he was taken and you couldn't even tell there was anything wrong with him he just looked so `normal` and like you I had no idea two weeks later he would be gone. But good I still have all these to look at every now and then and if something happens he's missed and I can still tell him all about it.

xx

I didnt take photos of Tony in the coffin as he didnt really look like him.

I only have one photo of the last few weeks and you can see how poorly he looked. I never wanted to take any more. Our last photo before he took to his bed was me him and our daughter making a memory vase at the hospice. A vase that he never got chance to finish but we will finish it when we are ready.  That reminds me how quickly he went downhill as that was just 2 months before he went and he looked quite chipper then.