Struggling with it all

Hi neatie46. Welcome to the forum noone wants to belong to. 

Im sorry to read about your husband. As you say its traumatic, painful, emotional, and a whole heap of other feelings. 

I think many of us feel fear of being left behind, wondering how we get through each day without our beloved partners. Somehow we do though often accompanied by lots of tears of vary intensity. 

Its good to write it down, and keep chatting to us. We are all muddling through this hell.

And yes I talk to my hubby all the time, as do others, its been just 3 months for me but Ill be doing it for as long as I do.

Hugs xx

I have ended every day with standing over my beautiful Valen, hands on his casket, telling him about my days and my plans for the next. 
Then it’s kiss, kiss, kiss (always 3), on the top (after the 14 months there is a little worn patch on that lid). 
Then on these cold nights I tuck one of his t.shirts round him as he hated the cold and turn on his led candle which flickers beside him throughout the night. 
I know that when I have told people I do this they look at me like I’m mad.  
But it’s what works for me and I don’t see this ever changing. I find I have to end the day like this. When I have spent the night away I have had panic attacks not being with him. 
He has come with me 3 times on the train to Wales to my brothers and his wife.  
They utterly adored Valen, who didn’t! and totally understood what I was doing. 
They invited us both and we both went. We had his favourite curry that they make each first night and they had cleared a space on the table beside were I sit in the evening for Valen. 
So though they have each other and don’t know this pain, they did get it.

I talk to Valen all the time when I’m out as well. 
He chose a necklace for me that contains a tiny bit of him, so he goes everywhere with me. 
I am constantly asking his opinion, advice as I always have.

So if you are bo kers, then so are most of us here!

Thanks Malengwa and Mrs VT

It's good to know that I can write these feelings down and you'll all understand,  and that I'm not bonkers.

Mrs VT, how lovely that your brother and sister in law get it. 

I've taken one of my pictures of Nige with me when I've been away and have a couple of Everwith pieces that I never take off. I ask his opinion too, and sometimes feel like he's on my shoulder or just here, guiding me.

Nige had a list of jobs he and I had planned to do, so I'm working my way through getting those done and I tell him about how it's all going. I'm not sure what's next once the jobs are finished, there's not many left now and the budget won't stretch to keep adding more, so It's a bridge to cross when that time comes.

Hugs to you both x

Welcome Neatie,

Although I don't think this is a place most of us want to be welcomed to but here we are. I think I can class myself as a bit of a `veteran` of this forum now because I have been here just over 2 and half years after losing my husband Jay to bowel cancer in June 2023. Yep what you say in your post all makes sense and you are not indeed going bonkers and I get that what you said about being cheated out of all your future plans together. Jay and I had so much to look forward to but all that was taken from me too. We were together for 40 years and married for 37 of them. The age difference between you and your hubby was similar to that of Jay and I he just missed his 70th birthday in February 2024 and I was 61 at the time. My son got married last February and he wasn't here for that and I have two beautiful granddaughters my son and his wife just welcomed my 2nd little granddaughter in October last year so she is only a few months old my older granddaughter just started school in August last year this was something Jay wanted to be here to see but unfortunately cancer had other ideas for him. He only got to see the first two years of the older granddaughters life he has just missed so much in those last few years. He fought his cancer for 2 years at one point going into remission in January 2022 when they cut out his tumour and was told they had got it all and he was in remission but fast forward five months and after he got follow up appointment with his surgeon bloods were taken and his CEA markers had risen and a further scan was requested that confirmed his cancer was back. I did question at the time after his operation with the oncologist should he not get post chemo or radiotherapy just to make sure everything was gone but they said as it wasn't necessary they didn't do it but there you are five months down the line it was back so something was still lurking there obviously and the 2nd time it wasn't leaving without him. We are all a good bunch here and just `get` was everyone is going through and can relate so much to what each other posts about. Just keep coming here when you feel you need to either to have a good old rant about something or let off steam about something. There will always be someone here to listen and respond. Take Care. 

Vicky x