Scared

Hi spirit, sadly yes I think its probably normal. Ive had the most awful bug since Christmas and found it so hard to make myself drinks or get food. Tony did all the odd jobs in the house, yes I worry about something major and not knowing what to do.

I get scared although I dont have panic attacks. If youre getting lots of panic attacks that you didnt have before, it might be worth you seeing a dr. 

Do you have good people around you? I have a lovely neighbour and friend, I tell her when Im getting in the bath in case I cant get out. (waiting for knee replacement). I never had a bath without Tony being here, just in case. Im slowly learning who can get things from my loft, fix a broken tap or clean my gutters. In some ways it makes me miss him all the more, but also makes me feel pathetic that he did these things and I cant. 

Hugs coming your way.

Thankyou Malengwa,

these feelings come and go, sometimes I'm ok then suddenly it all engulfs me. This is all such a struggle isn't it? I think the panic comes more from being alone, having no.one to share things with now. I don't really have any neighbours I can call on, people say 'if there's anything I can do' but I'm not sure they mean it. My children are kind but not nearby.

I feel that I know I  will be ok eventually but that time isn't yet. It's only seven weeks since David died, I guess I have a long way to go. Thanks for all your posts and responses, it really helps.

Sending hugs back to you  x

Gosh yes.  Scared of so many things. Of who will look after me and how I will be when older is the big one. It's especially hard just now when I've now got dreadful snow so can't even get out. Too long for thoughts to go round and round.

It isnt long at all, Im just a few weeks longer, 12 weeks. My family arent that close by either so I do rely on neighbours and friends.

Wilcard I know what you mean although Im not snowed in, i havent been out the house since christmas Eve due to a stinking cold. Yes there have been lots and lots of tears.

Gosh, yes.

From not knowing who we used for servicing the boiler. 
To the Tado radiator showing a fault. 
To not having him to cuddle up to in the terrible winds recently that felt like the conservatory roof was about to be ripped off. 
To my beautiful Valen not being here to look after me when I had that virus doing the rounds. 
To sorting out the bank accounts and HMRC and being afraid I would loose all our money.
To who will look after me when I get dementia (in my bad moments I will of course get debilitating arthritis and dementia). 
To how the hell am I going to survive without him for the next however many decades.

Sometimes I feel brave. Other times scared witless. 
All I can say to myself is “Look to your Valen. How brave was he in the face of his terminal diagnosis. He never once felt sorry for himself, only ever thought of you”.

It’s terrifying and scary and unbearably sad knowing I have so many years ahead without my soulmate. 
But for his sake, his memory, his legacy I have to.

I guess we are all scared. There's so much to think about and I don't feel able to think about any of it yet. 

I believe we are stronger than we realise right now, we will learn to deal with the fear, but I have no idea when. You're right though, our loved ones were brave and we must be brave too. I just wish I knew how to start.

Thankyou for your reply, it helps knowing it's not just me feeling desolate and afraid. 

It's been 5 weeks since my Nick passed away.  I feel panicked, scared, useless, a burden, numb, heartbroken.   You're right it is all so overwhelming.  I feel scared about the future.  I just can't stand to be alone.  My family are my brother  sister in law and neice and nephew, they're all I have left.  They have been amazing and I've been staying at theirs for Christmas and new year as I'm so scared about the house, its all too much. 

All I can say is know that you're not alone, others are here for you and what you feel is normal.  A friend has said just take half an hour at a time.   The house is fine just now.  We'll take it one step at a time.  Its the only thing that helps. Lots of love xxx 

Yes, I did feel scared, but fortunately that feeling has passed. It was knowing that I didn’t have my husband to hug, and talk things through with. How I miss that. We have had many things that have happened over the last 17 months that are just ridiculous. A leak under the kitchen sink, which flooded the kitchen floor. The washing machine smelling of burning {Now replaced}, the hoover not working properly {Now replaced}, another leak from the airing cupboard {New piping fitted}. On and on it goes. manuals have dug up all the manuals that I can find on various appliances.It is incredibly boring, but I am making myself do it. My husband Paul used to love reading the manuals. You have to laugh.

I completely understand about feeling scared about everything, but don’t know if this will ease or it will be with us forever.

At first I was trying to prove to friends and family that I was strong and would be ok, it feels like as time goes on I cannot continue pretending so am just trying to get through each day.

Everything is such an effort, I get up at normal time, make sure son gets off to college then go back to bed and only get up again because I need to walk the dogs. Anything else I manage is a bonus, even emptying the bin is hard work.  I have had the same To Do List since 27th December when I told myself to get on but still haven’t cleaned the bathroom or any of the other jobs that I used to do without thinking.

Like others have said I feel scared and so sad that my beautiful man isn’t here for me to cuddle up to or to make me laugh.

X 

Hi Spirit!

The answer to your question is `yes` I think about all of what you have written all the time. A very recent issue was on Tuesday of this week when I woke up to a burst pipe. My neighbour below me ( I live in a 4-in-a-block flat) knocked on my door and I wondered who it was as I wasn't expecting anyone my neighbour then proceeded to tell me I had a burst pipe and I looked round the door to see projectile spray coming from a pipe going down the wall and directly hitting the building on the other side of the path. My first word was sh*t. Luckily one of my neighbours across the road from me is a retired plumber so he was able to come over and shut the water off for me. We are experiencing a cold snap in the weather in Glasgow just now so obviously the temperature caused the pipe to freeze its for an outside tap we had fitted a few years back so no damage to the house internally. Jay (my husband) would have known what to have done there although he wasn't a plumber but he would taken heed of that as my late father used to be a plumber as well- the irony! So my plumber neighbour said to me he would just leave it off for now and once the weather gets a bit milder he would get his nephew out to fix the pipe he said no use doing it just now as the weather is still too cold and the pipe could freeze again but I can still used my washing machine, run taps, flush the toilet etc just the outside tap is shut off for now. Yes all little incidentals like that I fear for Spirit. I am the `glue` in my immediate family I look after my sister who has learning difficulties and health issues and I am `chief babysitter` for my son and his wife when needs be and I often wonder what would happen to them if I wasn't here. I know my son would be ok but its more my sister I worry about and in this financial climate I just worry sometimes how I can  be able to afford to pay for  basic things and I have felt things beginning to bite there recently. Obviously when Jay passed I lost a chunk of income but luckily I have been getting some help with gas/electric bills and council tax as I am on my own now. I have no mortgage that was paid off a few years back.I have just had to `cut the cloth` as my dad used to say and try to live within my means but sometimes that is not enough and you can only cut away so much and its emergency repairs you worry about as I just experienced and worry if you will get some `cowboy` trademan who will rip you off but I have a few repair plans in place too so just use those when needs be or I will go by word of mouth from anyone who has had repair work done. Yes I do agree with you it is a worry when one of you goes and just the thought of trying to survive on your own at times can be a bit terrifying but just taking your time to get through can help. My best wishes to you. 

Vicky x