1st's without husband

I got the turkey and beef out, to defrost. I forgot to put them in the fridge overnight. No turkey or beef, but also no food poisoning. My brain is still not working properly. 

This is my 3rd Christmas without Jay. I am feeling his loss that bit more this year. First two ironically I sailed through without really feeling anything thought the first would hit me really hard but just- nothing. This year though, feeling it that little bit more. Sending hugs to all those going through their 1st without their partners/spouses.

These last few days I have been telling my beautiful Valen that I feel old. 
He kept me, we kept each other, feeling young. 
We often said that we felt young at heart. That we would at some point grow up. Become adults.
We were both 56. I’m now 57. 
But just now, I feel like an old woman with an old woman’s brain and an old woman’s shuffling body.

I guess it hasnt helped that I’ve got this awful virus doing the rounds. Been unwell now for 10 days and just beginning to feel better. 
It’s of course been made worse as Valen hasn’t been here to nurse me.