1st's without husband

Hi detty.

Yes its horrible, Im struggling with Christmas, floods of tears as yet another card arrives with just my name and ' Happy Christmas' inside.

We also raised money at Tonys funeral for the hospice, it was what he wanted. 

Im glad you got the ashes back before Christmas. Are you going to do anything tomorrow on his birthday? 

Christmas will come and it will go. It will be tough, there will be tears, but I hope some remembering of happier times too, but we will survive it. Baby steps.

It really hit home that he wasn't going to be here for Christmas when he said to me 'Dont buy me anything this year cos I won't be here & you will have to buy your own presents from now on.'.. this was when he was still fairly well & it just shows how quickly cancer can really take hold. At the time I really thought please dont be saying that ..you could still be here. 

Oh Detty I know what you mean.  My husband was doing OK but then the cancer plus a chest infection and then pneumonia - it was just too much and he went so quick.  Cancer takes loved ones so fast. 

It's good to have something to mark your husbands birthday.  Is there something he would want you to have on Christmas day?  However small perhaps if you were to buy it, a Christmas ornament or a bottle of wine he liked?  I'm trying to think of something I would do too. And it keeps just rolling around my head unable to pinpoint.  Its so hard.

I send you love and peace

I keep thinking back to when my beautiful Valen was still up and about and not really showing many signs that we had been told he had 3 to 6 months - we got 4 bloody short weeks, the last 2 with him getting daily weaker. 
He wanted to sort out as much as possible to lessen what I would have to do on my own. 
So one of the things he wanted to do was sort through a lot of his clothes and shoes. And he had a lot! 
I remember standing in front of the shoe cupboard with him chucking pairs into a big box. 
I was holding it together till we got to his old holiday sandals. 
I grabbed them from him and held them tight crying “No. Please. Please keep these. You may still need them. Please keep them.” 
He very gently, and crying himself, said “Sylv, even if I make it to 6 months it won’t be warm enough to wear them again” 

But he let me keep them.

This is my 2nd Christmas without him. He had only been gone 3 months last year and it all went by in a blur. This year I am keenly feeling that it is just me. 
I have mentioned on another thread that last year, at my sister in laws suggestion, I got Valen his own little Christmas tree. I got 2 little ornaments that represent him - a glass red chilli and a little fabric elephant. This year I got him a Willy Wonka ornament (his favourite Christmas film).  
So each year I will still buy him a present. Just a small one to go on his tree.

The lead up to Christmas this year has been really hard. I had a major meltdown last night, a bit like the early days. Last year we went away, so I suppose it is understandable. All of the family rituals we enjoyed together have to be explored and decided on. I went to the grave yesterday, with my Christmas arrangement. I just sobbed. Hopefully, that will have got the pain out, and calm me. My next focus will be trying to cook the turkey properly, as my darling always insisted on cooking Christmas Dinner. Sending hugs to all. Kate. xxx

Everything is such a mental effort, and people dont really get that grief is exhausting.

My daughter is taking over the cooking duties, Im veggie so if rhey want turkey, they have to do it themselves. 

We have taken the donations to the hospice that cared for him during his last hours. £790 in cash & cheques there were also online donations so I'm hoping the final total will be over £1,000.

That’s brilliant! What an amazing legacy your husband has left.

I thought it would be nice to take it in on his birthday & I will make a donation  to them every year from now on.

Yes it will be lovely. I received a lovely letter from the hospice thanking us for the donations and like you will make further donations. They so such fantastic work and yet rely almost entirely on donations.