So after a couple of days when I wasn't weeping or dwelling on my husband's last hours, I thought I might be moving on, and I could take pleasure in planting bulbs or helping my son with his house renovation, I bumped into two acquaintances in half an hour, both of whom asked after Bruce. I had to explain that he had died 18 months ago and got a lot of sympathy. They are not to blame, but it's the unexpected knock off-balance that you can't plan for. Another weepy evening.
In other news, though: some on the forum might remember that my husband is a poet. He had prepared a selection, literally the last thing he was able to do. We heard last week that we have a publisher. So delighted that we'll be able to honour his talent forever but equally a bit sad that he won't see his poems in print. But another project to keep me occupied.
Mrs VT - are you okay? Not heard from you recently?
Apologies in advance for a long post!
I have had a difficult, struggling couple of weeks.
My toxic brother has been stressing me out with his “helpful” advice. From - I must do Saturday park run as it I’ll be good for my mental health, even though he knows I work Saturdays. To where I should be by now in the stages of grief. To what I should be eating. To “You should stop volunteering at the museum (which I truely enjoy and look forward to) and volunteer at the Cancer Research Shop to give something back”! My lovely sister has told him to back off and I haven’t heard from him since. Which I’m not bothered about.
My beautiful Valen’s parents sent me a card which upset me. I know it wasn’t intentional, his mums written English is not good.
I sent them a card and said that though my heart wasn’t fully in it I am determined to “celebrate” Christmas as Valen so loved it. I have put up his favourite decs and was going to my works Christmas meal and our favourite cafes do. I said Valen would be upset if I didn’t. I got a card back saying that they can’t celebrate Christmas as they will never get over his death and would not think about celebrating without him. As I said, it was not meant to hurt but it did.
My dear sister in law has just had a cancerous mole removed and been told she will probably need treatment. She is obviously scared and can’t stop thinking about not only Valen, but her dad passed away 4 years ago yesterday from skin cancer which he ignored till to late. So I’m supporting her.
As well as supporting my friend who was told 6 months ago she had 4 months with lung, brain and bone cancer.
Mum has got over her fractured pelvis, stomach bug and urine infection and has gone into a wonderful care home for 2 weeks holiday. Her from my sister and me and us from her after I spent nearly 8 weeks being her main carer. The first week she struggled but has at last settled in and enjoying it. In fact she looks the healthiest she has for months!
I went to the Christmas meal and it was great fun. Proper, real, laughing. But I cried the whole 15 minute walk home and carried on crying till 4 in the morning.
Last year Christmas was a blur, my beautiful Valen had only been gone 3 months. This year I am really feeling, really struggling with him not being here with me.
With all the jollity, tinsel, lights on houses etc I get angry, unbearably sad, feel hollow.
But I am also having some good days. I call a good day one where I only cry once in the day!
I have such amazing supportive friends and other family, who help me so much in quiet, understated ways.
I am ok. 
️
