Thankyou

Hi spirit. I feel the same about Christmas, never something I liked much even before Tony died. I would be ok to just be by myself but my daughter insists I shouldnt be on my own so her family are coming and we will muddle through the best we can. No tree, decorations etc. 

Its so hard seeing couples together, enjoying themselves and me feeling so alone. I tell my friends to make the most of every moment because, well, you just dont know. 

We support each other here because we just 'know'.

Hi Spirit!

You are so welcome! Yes its a place none of us want to be but here we are and as you say a great support for each other when others just don't get it. I get what you mean with seeing everyone in couples and all being `happy and jolly` at this time of the year. I will put my hands up and admit that I used to be one of those who used to wonder why when someone's partner passed that months later they weren't doing this, that or the other but I `get it` now and it needs to happen to YOU before you realise just how hard going it really can be when that one constant who was by your side for years is no longer there your life is just not the same anymore. Still very early days for you as I have said already- numerous times to all the newbies here and you will eventually find your own way on how to cope. No one can tell you when you will feel better as everyone grieves at different levels. Just take your time for now and each day as it comes and just keep coming here when you need to. Take Care of yourself. 

Vicky xx

Today was the funeral. It was beautiful but now he has really truly gone and my heart hurts and I feel sick at the thought of the future. I don't feel like a whole person, I am so broken and half the pieces of me went with him. I worked to make today perfect because it was the last thing I could do for him, but now I'm lost. Lost and scared and so lonely. Everyone went home with or to their other halves. This pain is unbearable. Life is just so cruel. 

Hi spirit, yes it is. The funeral is hard, But like you, Tonys was simple lovely and very 'him'. Yet already just one month on for me, its a blur of me just crying from start to finish.

I am in no position to give advice, all I can say is that i muddle through hour by hour, day by day. Paperwork is still consuming a lot of my time, the bank have made a massive cock up that has left me very distressed. Some days all I eat is biscuits I can't be bothered to cook.

I have been more teary this past 2 weeks. Christmas makes it worse for me, as everyone is telling me their plans, their holidays etc. They don't get it because they are not experiencing it. I take solace in places where there are people like here who get it. I joined a bereavement group run by the hospice. It helps. I take up any offer of support whether it be shopping , a hug, going out for a coffee. Sometimes I do nothing. I cry at the drop of a hat. I don't tell people I'm fine and get sick of people telling me I will be.

I suppose I am learning slowly to see the tiny things as an achievement. I got up, I got dressed, I made a phone call or filled in a form. I set just one task each day. 

Are you aware of a.y bereavement support near you? Do you want to meet others? There is also Wayup if you haven't heard of it before, its an online group just for widowed people. They do virtual and face to face meetings set up by members, sadly none in my area but I have been to some of the online chats. 

Keep talking when you can. We are all muddling through in the only way we know how.

Virtual hug coming your way xx

Thankyou Malengwa, I always seem to end up on here when I feel desperate. Today everyone is busy, Christmas plans and meeting up and shopping. I keep looking at my phone contacts, but it's so so hard reaching out to anyone, I don't want to become a nuisance to them. The days ahead are all empty on my calendar, I have no plans at alĺ now. I can't see much point to anything. Planning the funeral gave me focus but now there's nothing left but emptiness and pain. How is anyone meant to bear this? 

I can completely relate to that, once the funeral is over and people go back to their lives, youre left alone, with the hugest of holes in your life.

If its ok to ask where are you, im in Wiltshire. Please do look at Wayup if you havent already, they all get it. 

I'm in Suffolk. We retired here. Our families are in Herts/Essex, and I don't drive which makes it that much harder. I think today is the worst day yet, I feel like I've fallen into a huge dark hole. I will look at Wayup. I think today is just the sofa, rubbish tv and tears  xx

I am learning that PJs, rubbish tv and crying is OK. Ive had a few of those this past 2 weeks. Weekend and evening especially hard, as I dont drive, and no buses after 6pm. 

I am also learning not to expect so much of myself, also hard but its ok to not be OK.

Xx

So glad the funeral was beautiful but it does mark a turning point. I'm not sure, though, that it's the last thing you could do for your beloved. I think you can find ways to knit him into your life even though he's not here physically. Mrs VT had some excellent ideas that she shared with us. Our daughter had the brilliant idea of interviewing and recording her Pa talking about the innumerable stories about his life. If you had children, you could collect letters and photos from the time before they were born and make an album with notes about where you were and what was happening? My husband loved flowers, and we created gardens together wherever we lived, so now I'm planting thousands (literally) of bulbs in the garden so it will be bright and joyful, even if I'm not feeling so. It gives pleasure to the neighbours as well. My husband was a poet, so this isn't an option open to many, but he had resisted publishing his poems in a collection until what was to be the end of his life. So with the support of a friend and retired publisher, I'm making sure his poems are going to be published. It's a comfort to have his words. But it will take a lot of time before you can even think clearly, so make sure you have a basic routine: sleep, get up, get dressed, go to the shop and eat. And post on here. 

Our favourite cafe have just organised a raffle for The East Anglian Air Ambulance in my beautiful Valen’s name. 
Those guys were damn amazing. 
Even though I knew he had gone long before they got to us, there still tried. 
And when the doctor had to ask me that horrendous question - Do you want us to keep treating Valen or would you like us to let him rest? - he was so kind, so gentle, that he made a nightmare that tiniest bit easier to answer. 

The cafe has also held a music evening in his name, raising money for The Swallows Head and Neck Cancer charity.

The funeral lady helped me set up a Much Loved page where friends and families could share pictures and memories of a beautiful soul. You can light a candle and donate to named charities. I had BHF and Swallows. Valen’s generous friends raised a nice sum for them both.

So my beautiful Valen’s legacy lives on.

Im also in the process of getting a bench dedicated to him on the promenade, which he would utterly love!