Lost

I'm so sorry for your loss.

It's been 9 months following my wife's passing, and if anything I'm feeling worse. Probably due to the weather and festive time of year that we both enjoyed so much.

What helped me in the immediately aftermath was burying myself in admin. It might not be for everyone, but it did help me. 

Probate, funeral, closing accounts etc.

Like you, the friends and family showed up, then went back to their own lives. I was a bit resentful, but also understood that only my life had ground to a halt, not theirs.

Give yourself time to grieve, and reach out for support if you need it. I've heard very good things about Cruse.org.uk although I didn't use them myself.

I focus on the fact that many years from now I'll be able to look back at the time we had together and smile at all the good things, and hopefully not feel awful about the bad.

Big hugs.

It is not self indulgent drivel, you are suffering terribly. It is truly a savage experience, which you can’t prepare yourself for. Then on top of that, you have all the funeral arrangements, legal stuff, the exhaustion, everything. I did all of the funeral arrangements on my own, too. It was really difficult, but I am a stubborn so and so. I had to follow through on my darling’s wishes. I am sending you huge hugs and strength. Kate. Xxx

Hello spiritinthesky.

10 days is no time at all. Im at 7 weeks and cant believe how Ive got here. 

Please dont be so hard on yourself, losing a partner is like losing half your soul. You dont have to be brave or strong, and in these early days, just functioning is enough. Eat, sleep, cry, attend to things at your pace like the funeral, paperwork. Tell people you need to in order of importance, eg use tell us once. 

I still have the hospital bed in my living room, I just cant let it go yet. Its exactly as it was when they took Tony away. 

Do you have bereavement support nearby, are you the sort of person who wants to link up with others? I have found it helpful because Im talking to people who understand and it helps me to get through the day. 

There is also Way-Up, an online support network that is just for people who have lost their partner. They have meets around the country organised by the members themselves. Sadly none in my area but they do online things as well.

Grieving a spouse is like nothing most people will have a clue about, its traumatic and it affects every aspect of your life. Give yourself time to grieve, take each day or even each hour as it comes.

Giving a big virtual hug xx

This isn't self-indulgent drivel. All of us on this site understand where you're coming from. It's only been 10 days. One of my children was able to stay with me a bit longer after the funeral, but the other three had to get back to their lives. Only one of them was with their father when he died, suddenly, when they were living or working abroad. I'm 15 months into bereavement, and I find I am reassured that my children are getting on with their lives as it means they are dealing with their beloved father's death. I am not dealing with my husband's death, but it was always going to be difficult, and I find being alone is a comfort: I'm free to have a howl without worrying about how this would distress our children further. We rely on Zoom meetings as two of our children live abroad, but they make the effort to dial in despite the time difference.  I arranged the funeral, but maybe you could share your first thoughts with your stepchildren? You could involve them a bit remotely so you might not feel so alone? 

No-one can prepare for such a traumatic loss and what works for one person may not work for another. Be kind to yourself. Take your time. There's no rush.

Hi Spiritinthesky.

Well done on finding the courage to reach out here as we all `get it`.  This is in no way at all `self indulgent drivel` as you put it this is a completely normal reaction to your loss. Your head will be all over the place just now and you will have all sorts of feelings going on  anger, disbelief, denial to name just a few.  It is very early days as you say it has been `no time`. Have you had the funeral as yet? you say you are organising it. Perhaps people just don't know how to approach you at this time for fear of doing or saying the wrong thing or being disrespectful. This usually all happens once the funeral is over and all the `if there is anything I can do` or `if you need anything` begin to wane a bit and the phone stops ringing. Bit harsh with your step daughters though but maybe keeping busy is their way of coping and trying to find some normality as we all cope with bereavement in different ways and maybe they are not inadvertently trying to exclude you from their lives or just forget about you. Just a few theories of what may be going on. You will all find your way in how to deal with your grief but now you have found this forum please come here when you need to it has been a godsend for us all and we are all a good support for each other. I am almost 2 and half years in from losing my husband to bowel cancer and still I get days I feel `lost` and can't comprehend he is gone but coming here lets you see that there are others who just feel the same way as you do and you can relate to it all. Please take care of yourself and I wish you well moving forwards. 

Vicky xx

Hi there. The others here have said the things I was going to say. I think people who are not going through this just have no idea. And I say lucky them. Take care of yourself and never feel it's self indulgent. Certainly not drivel! Sending love.