If you're feeling betrayed...

Oh I wish I could do that too. I feel like a child seeking attention. I was 16 when i first met my lovely husband and now after all these years together I am hating being on my own. 

We are used to being loved. We are used to being that special person. My husband Paul told me “That I was everything”. We were together for forty years. I am still trying to find a way of living without him. 

I don't think we 'live' without our loved ones. We exist. They don't. The two states are irreconcilable yet we need to find a way to exist. Fifteen months on, the pain has dulled and the tears lessened. Some of the 'betrayals' I value as it means I can cut out those family members who were cruel to my husband when he was dying, and I am fortunate I have friends who have also suffered the deaths of close family members and we can support each other. I am fortunate that I have my husband's words (30 box files full) as consolation: he was a poet; and I am fortunate to have our garden and allotment to distract me. And our children thrive. Yet somehow counting my blessings brings it home that I don't have my beloved to share them with. Whatever I try to make existence bearable simply circles back to the ineluctable fact that life can't be bearable when your beloved is dead. 

This is it exactly Kate. I hadn't found the words, but you are spot on. We have lost our special person and are no longer our husband's special person. 39 years married for me too. I can only remember being special now. I'm grieving the loss of myself too, or this precious aspect of myself, as well as the love of my life. It's no wonder I feel so heartbroken. 

This is such an example of how we are all different and grieve differently. 
How there is no right or wrong way. 

I hate bedtimes. I crawl into bed at 2, sometimes 3am . 
I find it so hard to go to bed and my beautiful Valen not be here beside me. 
Lying face to face. With his index and middle fingers resting on my upper arm as we drifted off to sleep listening to the radio. His snoring. The weight of him turning over. 
I spent a couple of months sleeping on the sofa. At least I now go to bed. 

And I have only dreamt of him once in the 13 months he has been gone. 
It was a lovely dream but the reality of waking up and the crushing pain of him not being next to me broke me for days. 
I wish, so desperately wish, that I could dream of him again and enjoy it. 
His sister has told me about hers. His mum has told me about hers. 
Even a not so close friend told me about hers! 
I am so damn jealous of them.

That is so well said! 
So true. 
I now see my existence, my role in life, is to keep his memory alive. 
To be his legacy (we had no children).

38 years together for us too. I was with Tony most of my adult life. I hate evenings and nights. I put my hand out to where he would be sleeping and its empty and cold. My sleep is broken, just the radio for company

My shower packed up the day before the funeral, I find myself saying Tony would know what to do as he fixed everything.

I feel particularly broken today. 

I have been up since 5.30am, as I needed a change of environment. I know what you mean about bedtime, and missing your Tony. I either have a fleecy hot water bottle or a fleecy jumper to hug at night. I have done this every single night for the last 15 months, as it does help settle me. Patty who posts came up with a name for particular days, it is called a “F… It Day”. You do exactly what you feel like doing. Sod everyone else. Sleep, cry, or nothing. I am going back to bed now, with my hot water bottle and book. Then I shall read until I can’t stay awake. Sending hugs. Kate. Xxx

Hi Emaroo!

What you are experiencing is normal. I am almost 2 and half years in and still can't comprehend that my husband is gone. Yes some days I still wonder what I am getting out of bed for. We did so much together in our 40 years we were together and it is a shock to the system when suddenly that constant by your side is no longer there. I am taking antidepressants which I have been on for for a number of years even before Jay got ill I was on them for illness I have myself. I went to very dark places when he was diagnosed and the GP upped the antidepressants and the dosage I take now works for me. Yes its lovely when bedtime comes and you hope you'll dream about them. I have dreamed about Jay a lot recently some feel so real as though the situation is actually happening but then you wake up and are so disappointed. Give yourself time and just do what you feel is right for you and you know to keep coming here when you need to as we all get it. Take Care. 

Vicky x

Aww Thanks Kate!  Glad the `F....It Day` is catching.

xx