Anxious

It is all so very difficult. It sounds a bit like a panic attack. If you decide you do want to go, I would probably play that incredibly difficult time through my head at home. This means you can cry as much as you like in privacy. I suppose it is a type of exposure therapy. I have used this technique many times over the past 14 months and it did help. Sending you strength and hugs.

I do know what you mean. 
My beautiful Valen did not spend any time in hospital, except for radiotherapy. 
I had to go to the hospital for my annual oncology checkup (so much guilt here that my thyroid and neck cancer is done with the last 8 years and I had an easy ride of it).

Naturally the Oncology department is where the radiotherapy department is. 
I knew this was going to be damn hard. 
I asked a very good friend to drive me there and back as I didn’t trust myself to a drive and b actually go.  
We arrived half hour before my appointment so I could sit in the the car and cry and panic and calm before my appointment
She walked with me inside the hospital and held my hand as I cried again. 
She didn’t come in to the appointment. But the oncologist started by saying he was so sorry about Valen and that he had booked extra time for me so we could go slow and stop if I needed. 
He was lovely. 
And I cried and sniffled and flash backed and dint listen and calmed down and got through it. 
My friend and I then went for a walk and coffee .

It was a very surreal experience and I felt quite out of body at times being there.  

Is there someone who can take you? That may help as you may well be to anxious taking yourself on your own.
I am sure you will feel very emotional and mixed up, seeing new life when it is all so raw.

But what a beautiful thing your sons girlfriend has suggested.

xx

I was thinking to do the same, go earlier and sit in carpark as I know I'm going to get upset. My sons girlfriend said she totally understands if I can't face going in , my mum said try to think it's for a happy reason this time. Hard enough going to any places where you have been as a couple but this seems so much bigger to face. X

It never leaves you , those horrible times go round and round in your head, I can't think of any nice memories of us as its to painful and makes it more unfair.  Most nights I dream of him then makes you feel crap when u wake up as he's not here x

At the moment, I am replaying the last three days in the hospice with my darling., It was truly the most difficult experience in my life, as I am sure that time was for you. I also get pleasant memories coming in, to balance things a bit more. I am thankful for that, as it gives me hope. Sending hugs. Kate.   

I think I get what you mean with that. When my husband passed just over 2 years ago a few months later my older sister got a diagnosis of bowel cancer the same as what he had. The real ironic thing was that the team who were assigned to treat her were the exact same team that looked after my husband. When she had her initial colonoscopy that she had to have done after a positive home bowel test the doctor gave us all the details of who would be caring for her the surgeon the specialist cancer nurse etc and I just could not believe it. What were the chances?? When I told the doctor she was quite concerned and said they could change the consultants etc if I found it distressing but I said no and that I knew them and would rather that they were assigned to her.  When I walked into the consulting room with my sister to meet with the surgeon she gave me the hugest hug and just couldn't apologise enough for the outcome with my husband. The outcome for my sister though was completely different and she has been recovering well and just keeps up with her outpatient appointments now. But you're right walking back into that hospital just brought it all back again as it was where he passed and wanted to be at home but just wasn't possible as he got too weak at the end for any homecare. This hospital serves our district along with a lesser more kind of primary care hospital which is more for clinic appointments etc. My daughter in law just had my 2nd grandchild 10 days ago but the way it happened she was an emergency C section so had to be rushed in as the baby decided not to wait and was only in for a few days and like you my husband is not here to see his new granddaughter he only got to see our first grandchild's first two years and then he passed in 2023. I hope you can manage to be able to go to the scan and get a wee look at your future grandchild. My best wishes to you. Take Care.

Vicky.

Hello Heartbreak, I'm so sorry for your loss and that you find yourself here on this forum.

I know that this must be such a difficult decision for you, as you have less than positive memories of the hospital. All I will say is that being invited to, and going to, the baby scan is one of those life affirming moments, and not going could turn out to be one of greatest regrets in a few years. Within 2 months of Lin dying I had to return to the radiotherapy department where Lin had some treatment in the year before she died, as I had been diagnosed with skin cancer and needed targeted radiotherapy. It was quite difficult going back there, but I got through it. I'm sure that, with the someone to help you and comfort you, you will get through it. Go and make a new memory, as I think that is what all our lost spouses and partners would want us to do.

Take care,

Derek