4 years on & I'm struggling more than ever !

You haven’t rambled at all. You have told the truth. I have decided that the feelings that I experience, are some sort of emotional torture, and I don’t know if it will ever end. I am 14 months into this journey, and still cry myself to sleep most nights. This week it has horrible flashbacks, where my darling Paul had a fall and was lying on the bathroom floor. Another, was when he insisted on coming downstairs, and we had to our son below him and behind him to make sure he didn’t fall. He wanted to see our border collie, Jack. I can feel him around me at times, hugging me and saying that he loves me. I too, am still destroyed inside. I am glad we have a double plot at our church, as I know one day, I will be with him again. Kate. Xxx

I can relate so much to what you've said. I'm 3 years in and it's assumed that everything has gone back to normal when in reality nothing has or will ever be normal again. In fact the changes that have occurred since is brutal. 

Recently someone was about to mention meeting someone else, I knew it was coming so I stopped them in their tracks and said 'don't say it'.

I just can't hear that and it has never entered my mind. Like you I'm horrified at the thought.

I did think by this point things may have become a bit easier but that's not the case so I Recently joined a grief group as I just didn't know what to do. I feel destroyed and exhausted feeling this way. So far its been useful.

That quote is so accurate, it brought tears to my eyes. 

It's our anniversary next week, last month was the anniversary of my loves passing. Now the lead up to Xmas, something every month it seems I have to drag myself through. 

Try and give yourself some grace,you've faced and are facing one of the most awful things we have to deal with and doing the best you can (I should take my own advice)!

I'm sure your Sharon knows the love you have for her. Sending hugs x

Emotional torture, an accurate description! I don't think it will ever end either.

Flashbacks, dreams. Sometimes I literally think, my poor brain! It can't make sense of what's happened, even after 3 years.

I hope when you feel your Paul around you it brings you some peace x

Yes, it does calm me to know that we had our deep love for each other. However, the pain is also horrendous knowing that I will never see him again or hear his voice. Life can be so cruel. Sending hugs to all. Kate. Xxx

A great way of describing things it is like my brain is struggling to make some sense of the situation  Sharon always looked after herself, going to the gym, her diet, etc.. yet she was stolen from me so cruelly, & we had so many plans for our future together. Now life feels so empty, apart from my lovely dog Benny who works hard to make me feel loved & wanted. I so wish Sharon was here because I know she'd love him too.

Best Wishes everyone, & thank you for your helpful replies x

I was watching an old black and white Twilight Zone. 
It was about an astronaut who crashes on a planet with no hope of escaping it. 
Earth was being torn apart by a nuclear war that started just after he crashed and his last communication from Earth was that even if he could get his spaceship working there would be nothing to come back to. 
The voiceover said something which so resonated I had to stop the programme to write it down ;

He survived the crash but his ordeal is yet to begin. 
Now he must give battle to the loneliness. 
Now he must meet the unknown.

Yes, the great unknown. That is the part that I struggle with the most. If you get divorced or separated, that is a decision you come to. Our situations are very different. We loved and supported, then our beloved ones were taken. So you have the terrible trauma of what they went through, then what we went through seeing that, and finally, somehow, you have to dig in deep, to completely come up with a new way of living. On the outside, people think I am doing amazingly well. I choose not to share that part of me. However, I know the truth. Kate. Xxx